How karezza fits into my plan

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This is part three of my blog intro. Part one was about my relationship background and how I got to where I am now. Part two described my plan to heal my marriage and take both of us to a place of deep trust and intimacy. This part is about Karezza and how I plan to use the karezza methods to move forward.

I know from reading Taoist and Tantric books that sex is mostly about energy exchange. Karezza is also about energy exchange. When you have loving sex with another person, huge amounts of good energy move back and forth. This balancing is what all people are pursuing when they become attracted to another person and seek a relationship with them. Ejaculation causes the male to dump a large amount of his sexual energy and short-circuits the exchange. This is why sex tends to end when the male has ejaculated. The sexual ploarity is severly weakened and thus the desire for further exchnage is greatly reduced in both partners. If the man can stay aroused ahead of ejaculation then the love making can continue for a longer peiod of time and the energy exchnage is much deeper and more satsifying for both partners.

The focus of karezza is on intercourse, and I would like to get there too. However, I have choosen to focus on the bonding behaviors for the time being. For the reasons that I have described in the other intro posts, my wife is a bit insecure about sex. She really enjoys the energy that we create and share during sex, but she also feels very exposed and vulnerable in a way that she is not comfortable with. This is something that I need to work around.

I have decided to not talk to her about karezza for now. I would prefer to start the practices and allow her to directly experience the benefits for a while before she is asked to accept any theory about why it works. The flows will happen whether she is aware of them or not. Thus, there is no need to make her feel that she is being subjected to yet another "fix the marriage" project. Due to past history she will probably reject any such overt initiatives on my part. I want this process to be relaxed and natural, so better not to talk about it for now.

Although I would love to jump to the loving intercourse part of Karezza, I have decided to continue my zero pressure approach to sex. Duty sex did much damage to our marriage in the past. I refuse to go there again, even in the interests of a spiritual program. Either she wants to do it, or it does not happen. No exceptions to the rule. It is not sex alone that provides the benefits. It is LOVING sex that provides the benefits. I know that if I force the issue she will usually relax and enjoy the experience, but intercourse is not necessary in order to have a karezza exchange thus, I would prefer to wait until she actually wants to go to that level.

In the meantime, I have started the cuddle therapy experiement. I tend to wake up before my wife. I lie quietly in bed until she wakes up. Once I am certain that she is actually awake, I roll over and cuddle her. We both enjoy this time and much energy is exchanged. In the few weeks that we have been doing it there has been a very noticeable change in our relationship. We are much more relaxed with each other. Hugs are longer and more frequent. We touch each other often. We smile and laugh more. We are getting all of the benefits of kaerzza even though we have not had intercourse in a few weeks.

In addition, I am practicing semen retention (although I am not fanatical about it) so my masculine energy is quite high. My wife's feminine energy is naturally high. She does not need to cultivate it. She is a deep pool of yin energy. The thing that we are learning now is to naturally and easfully exchange that energy so that we both feel better balanced. My semen retention has become much easier since the cuddle therapy began. By the way, I do not force the cuddle therapy. If she does not want to cuddle, that is OK. This is not a exercise in discipline. It is just like sex. We do it when we both want to do it. She does not even know that cuddle therapy is part of anything. She just knows that we are cuddling more and has expressed appreciation for that.

Eventually we will be so comfortable at this level, that we will want to go deeper and intercourse will happen again. It will happen because we are both in the mood. When that happens, I will post here how it went. In the meantime, I will also post about any other note worthy changes.

My motto for this whole thing is "max relax". There is no hurry. There is no pressure to make progress. I am calm, comfortable and relaxed. It will take as long as it takes and I am OK with that. Let it be easy, graceful, natural and joyful for both of us.

Onward and upward.



so wise

One thing I thought of is that your wife might be afraid that intimate, loving gestures are going to trigger those deep emotions of sadness, loneliness and rejection. If you do any of the bonding exercises or Ecstatic Exchanges with her, she might be afraid of showing you the grief, anger, loneliness, or whatever is in there. She's afraid that if you see those things that you will reject her, just like she has been rejected in the past. If she knows that you can handle whatever comes out of those city walls at you, she may also be able to let you see the love, joy and gratitude. I don't know if verbalizing will help, but letting her vent at you and not getting bored or defensive goes a long way of showing you are there for her. Keep going!

It is a process

This is why I am so keen on not pressuring her. She wants to bond, but she needs to be allowed to reach out in her own ways. Over the past couple of years she has been opening up. Every so often she lets me see a deeper level of her inner world. She feels that I can love and accept that aspect of her and that encourages her to open up a little more. It is an on-going process.

Honestly, I am every bit as intrigued with her emotional unfolding as I am with sex. The two things are opposite sides of the same coin anyway. Open up one, and the other will follow.

A wise man

A wise man once said to me, "The greatest joy is to be known intimately by another person. " and he said "I want to know you like that." I was already attracted to him (yeah, boo, bad biology) but that did it for me. I opened up to him. If you can let your wife know that it's not just sex, but her inner life that intrigues you and nothing she throws your way can make you hatelful, disappointed, or indifferent, you will win the battle. Words may do it or gestures or patience.Just let her know that you won't force her to confess or pull her apart like a child pullng a fly's wing's off to see how it works. You will tend and watch as she unfolds to you.

Sounds like

the bonding behaviors/energy exchange is the grease that will allow the two gears to sync up. Powerful stuff. It seems to take a long time at first, but when you look back, you may be amazed at how swiftly you two cleared out a major block/cloud.

*fingers crossed*


The cuddling has already had a profound effect on our marriage and it is ramping up quickly. I can feel how much more tighly bonded we are now than we were even one month ago. The snow ball is now rolling down the hill.