The Value of this Community

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Submitted by Louie on
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I have been on the path of sexual healing for about four years now. I started looking for answers when my son turned one year old. At that point my wife'e libido had been pretty much absent for 20 months (pregnancy and one year post-natal) and I was starting to realize that this was not just a matter of post-baby exhaustion. I was struggling to understand what had happened and I was looking for an internet community where I could discuss it with others.

The first community I joined was the forum for a web page devoted to reviving sex after having a baby. It was a place that was absolutely overflowing with anger and confusion. Men were writing long attacks on women. These men felt that women were liars and users. They felt that women only wanted men as a way to get babies. Once they had a baby, the man was ignored after that. Women responded by saying that men were unreliable and childish. At a time when she (the mother) was exhausted and needed strong emotional support her husband was throwing fits about not getting enough nookie. It was like having two babies the mom's said. It did not take me long to figure out that no forward progress was happening in this place. It was just an emotional dumping ground.

After that I joined a forum attached to the book "Mo More Mr. Nice Guy". The book was a great help to me. It helped me to recognize how needy and manipulative my behaviours had been and how I had been actively pushing my wife away. The forum, however, was not very useful. It consisted of two groups. The first group were men who were stuck in a victim mentality. I was seeing echos of the last forum in these guys. Their wives were unreasonable and nothing made them happy. No matter how much the man gave, he never got anything in response. These guys had apparently read the book, but had not learned anything from it. The other group were recovered nice guys who were trying to help the first group get past their victim mentality. The problem was that the first group was massive and their angry posts seemed to spark pity parties that I felt were of no help. When you have twenty other guys agreeing with you that your wife is an unreasonable bitch, it enables you to become even more entrenched in your limted view of the world. Some people want to move forward, others just want to share their misery. I wanted to move forward, so I left that forum.

The third place that I went to was much more positive. It was built around a suite of books that men could use to increase their masculinity and reclaim their personal power within their marriage. I benefitted greatly from that community because I had such a weak sense of my own masculine power. However, I recently hit a point where I was getting tired of reading disertations about how to man-up and display strong masculine traits. I felt that these men were way oversimplfying their wives. The whole thing was rules based. If I display these traits, then she should respond in these ways. They were treating women like a science project. I especially disliked the main author's system of "escalating consequences for misbehavior". I guess he thinks that women are looking for a father figure who will discipline them and keep them in line. At one point several members were raving about the "Taken in Hand" movement. That really turned me off. I want a relationship with a mature woman, not an over grown child who needs to be spanked sometimes when she is bad.

I was very happy when I found this place. There are men and women here who are trying to build mature, loving sexual relationships. This is not about who hurt who more, or what roles men and women are supposed to play. This is about true loving sexuality. Meeting each other as equals and creating something beautiful together. I really like that. I am especially thankful for having female perspectives again. The last two communities were entirely male and they were unballanced as a result. When my masculinity was timid and undeveloped I felt safer in those male only communities. Now that I am much more secure in myself as a man, I am curious to know more about what women actually think and what they actually want from relationship.

So, I went from men and women fighting, to men feeling sorry for themselves, to men pumping each other up in a macho way, to men and women talking frankly about sex in a mature way. It has been a very satisfying evolution. The other communities were useful in their own ways, but I outgrew them and moved on. This is where I need to be right now.

This community is worth its weight in gold. I wish that there were more of us, but hopefully that will come in time. We are at the bleeding edge of sex relations here. Hopefully the rest will catch up soon.

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Comments

I am constantly amazed at the

quality and tone of the discussions on this site. Even though I am not active in the world of karezza and am no longer struggling against porn use, I pop in from time-to-time to see what the good people are saying.

It really is a village.

With the huge amount of deep sharing and stick-to-it-tive-ness that all you pioneering rebooters and Kareza-ites have shown, it wouldn't be as powerful as it is. And this is a powerful place. 

I'd love to have a firm (hahaha) count on the successful rebooters and relationships saved by this site.  I dare say that this site saves more relationships and restores more erections and love lives than any sex therpist manages in a year. 

THREE CHEERS FOR MARNIA & GARY! 

Quizure

Aw shucks

Blush

I, too, love the insights that flow here. And to think that years ago when my volunteer webmaster wanted to add a forum, I almost said "no." Seemed like a lot of work.

Instead you've all been a huge gift. And I was just thinking what a joy it is to have Louie here when I clicked to this post.

I, too, think of these forums as "working forums." We really do learn important things and its fun to watch both the patterns and the rich individual patterns come into form.

*big hug*

This site

Has been a Godsend to my wife and I. It has turned a great sex life into a great love life, thanks again Marnia and Gary, it wouldn't have happened without you and the rest of the beautiful people here.