My wife and I are at an interesting point in our development as a couple. We are not having sex, yet we are being more intimate than we have ever been before. I was struggling to understand exactly what is going on with us, and I think that I kind of understand it now. I got the missing pieces of the puzzle from listening to Barry Long's recording of "Making Love".
I was my wife's first sexual partner and gave her the first orgasm that she ever had. She was 21 at the time and I did it through digital stimulation. When she told me it was her first orgasm I did not believe her. I said that surely she must have experimented on herself. She was adamant that she had never done that. Masturbation was not the least bit appealing to her. She is now 37 and in a recent conversation she maintained that she has never masturbated herself, even after she learned how enjoyable orgasms can be. She said that it just feels pointless to do that kind of thing by herself. It was the intimacy of the sex play that she enjoyed, not the orgasms.
So that was puzzle number 1. Why did she not enjoy pleasuring herself? I used to think it was guilt that kept her hands away from her own sexual organs. However, I am now starting to think that she is being totally honest with me. She honestly sees no value in solo sex.
The other thing that really puzzled me was that she seemed to really enjoy sex when we did it, but made little or no attempt to make sex happen. In fact, she seemed to resist doing it most of the time. How can a person really enjoy something, but not really care if it happens or not? I know now that this puzzle was entirely created by own perception of what sex was about. I was addicted to orgasms. I was using orgsams to self medicate, and as per the teachings of Marnia and Barry Long, I was digging myself a deeper and deeper hole over time. I was stuck in a loop, always searching for the next orgasm to release my sexual tension. Thus, sex was of enormous importance to me. My addiction kept my brain chemicals out of whack and my sexual energy stuck in low gear. I never held onto the energy long enough to get out of low gear.
My wife had no such hang-ups. She enjoyed orgams, but was not addicted to them. For her, orgasm was not the point to sex. Further to that, she knew on some level that the sex we were having was not real love making. It was driven very much by my addiction. That is where her resistance came from. She did not object to love making. She objected to being used as a means for feeding my addiction.
Barry Long talks about how many women eventually give up on the idea of true love making and buy into the distorted male obsession with orgasm. I think that my wife tried to do that. She tried to do sex the way I did it, but it never felt right for her. In the end she decided that if sex was about lust and the pursuit of orgasm, and if she did not enjoy that, then why bother doing sex? God bless her for that. Her decision to get off of the dopamine treadmill and refuse to get back on was the best thing that ever happened to us. It was painful for me when she got off, but it had to happen. One of us had to do it.
Of course, I stayed on the treadmill for a long time by myself. During our long sexual drought I kept right on masturbating and pursuing that dopamine, all the while being resentful of her for refusing to play the game with me. I saw her as a cruel and neglectful wife who ignored my "need" (addiction). It was only in the past year or so that I have started to wonder if it was me that was doing something wrong.
So now I am here, and I think that I have my head wrapped around all of this now. I understand what happened, and why it happened, and why it was a good thing that my wife decided to stop playing the game. I also know what it is that my wife actually wants from her intimate life, and I have started leading her toward it.
We are not currently having sex, but we have been cuddling a lot. Some of our cuddle sessions have been epic (2-3 hours). There has been some serious energetic exchange going on. The effect on her and on our marriage has been tremendous. She looks five years younger, and she just seems to glow with radiant feminine energy. She is much softer and more affectionnate with me. Her interest in sex is also starting to revive. The fire was totally dead, but now there are glowing embers again. She has initiated a couple of conversations about sex recently and our cuddling is becoming more intimate. We are gradually working our way back up and there is no dopamine anywhere in sight. This is about love being created. Real love. Deep down intimate love is coming into our lives for the first time. We are being born again as a couple. This is brand new for both of us and thus we have to feel it out as we go.
I do not know where things will go from here, but I know with absolute certainty that we are headed in the right direction. I intend to just keep doing what I am doing. I am not going to force anything because force is not at all necessary.
I may be the pilot, but I feel no need to fight the rudder. The boat is going with the wind right now, so I just need to stand there and see where the wind takes us. I am sure that I will be surprised and delighted. Some of the best destinations are not on the map, so you cannot plot a course to them. You just have to allow yourself to be carried there.
As an aside I will say that this Karezza thing requires some serious self honesty. I was not prepared for that. I was looking for a way to fix my wife. It turns out she was OK all along. It was me who needed fixing.