Where are the women?

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Submitted by lucky on
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I’m dating a man who mentioned an interest in karezza very early on. Being inherently curious I started researching what this was about and voraciously read almost everything I could get my hands on. Personality and past experience perhaps made me immediately receptive to these ideas.

I’ve been lurking on the site for more than a few weeks now and what amazes me is how many more men are on here than women! Somehow this seems counterintuitive to me, although the power to you guys. I am overwhelmed by how open and honest all of the communication is. This is a very special community. I’m determined to contribute to help provide more balance and offer up another woman’s perspective.

In a short period of time, I have experienced so much. It is really hard to believe. I wish there were more women to share this with, although I'm grateful for all of you here on reuniting. There is a great deal we can learn from each other.



There are a number of us

But none of us post very often. Given that most of the current threads are men posting about porn addiction and the daily details of recovery, our posts are a very small minority, and there's little to report after one is settled in a karezza relationship that's blissfully happy. 



Yes, it's great having women posters. My book has always received most of its fanmail from men...probably because Gary did such a great job with the science and guys like to know the mechanics of things. Smile

We split karezza posts from "rebalancing" posts, so karezza visitors don't have to track the recovery stories if they don't like to. So I don't think that's the real issue.

Sometimes I think I just have to accept that this forum's main purpose is to get the natural "pilots" humming. In my experience, fulfilled men who aren't depleted make for happy women, too, or something like that.

That said, it's great having women posting too, and the men here appreciate it as much as I do.

Yes why?

I agree , that the stereotype/archetype is that women are more touchy feely, and that therefore they would be more likely to be into karezza. However how does anyone find their way here?

As a guy i ended up here in a moment of desperation in my relationship. It was that low point that lead me to search online. It was an act of problem solving, something men are known for traditionally, again, if we are talking stereotypes. But men also have some serious catching up to do in learning the benefits of sharing and expressing their vulnerability.

Whatever, lucky. We are here. Welcome!

Youv'e got the man, the book, the blog. Gal you are good to go :)

hi lucky!

I saw your most recent post and so I went back to read more about you...

I'm a woman. This shift in my sexuality has been one of the main events of the previous year for me. I am not on here as much as I'd like to be for two reasons. One is the porn recovery posts from dudes. They get overwhelming. The other is Marnia's constant insistence that I find a random person to cuddle with. I don't find that advice to be useful, in fact in has been extremely alienating. I think she's stopped now, though. :)

Welcome! I'm glad you are here!

I'm a woman too :-)

But I haven't posted very much lately. For me, rebalancing has been the main issue lately, as I started the reboot process over again (after many falls in the past years) at the beginning of November. So my main focus is to stay sober and to combat fantasizing. The problem is that I'm still single, so I cannot share about any karezza experiences. I also avoid reading about it from other posters, as it tends to arouse me. Furthermore, the very many posts of guys who are trying to reboot are not particularly helpful to me, nor can I relate to many of the aspects of male sexual addiction. I would also like to see more female posters, and especially those who struggle with the same issues like me. I'm sure there are more out there than we would imagine, but I think it's still kind of a taboo topic for many women!

I've noticed in this forum

I've noticed in this forum that blissful posts don't get much of a response and as Quizure says, once you're happy there's not a lot to report - its more anguish, suffering, problems, conundrums that get a lot of buzz.

I posted here for about four years and found the situation similar, not a lot of women posting and a lot of porn recovery posts. Marnia did me the favor of creating this special place in the forum just for karezza related posts to separate those interested just in the karezza from those struggling with porn.

I did learn quite a bit about porn and since it is a huge part of the sexual landscape in America, I'm glad for the way in which this site and the struggles of people on porn helped me to wake up to this reality in a way that is maybe more compassionate than my reaction otherwise would have been.

At a certain point during my time here in the forum, I certainly felt that some of the content shared in the site was re-traumatizing a wounded feminine worldview of mine. At the same time, I fell madly in love with my now husband and this traumatized woman was being challenged in the face of our love. I had to abandon my interest in understanding porn addiction so as to salvage my view of men, especially to separate my beloved as a man from the stereotypes of men that I was reinforcing by being engaged in the topic of porn addiction. I was finally able to see my beloved for who he was - a whole, healthy, loving, sensitive, sexy, unaddicted, uncompulsive gem. The wounded feminine in me couldn't quite believe it. The wounded feminine in me kept doubting whether that could be true. The wounded feminine did not want to give up her malnourished view of her category of "men." In the end, love won out and my husband trumped the stereotype and the wound. I did find healing and I continue to learn to deepen into it and relax in the embrace of clear, focused, undistorted masculine love embodied by my husband.

I find i go through phases with posting here or paying attention to the forum and have been on the longest hiatus in a very long time. Pregnancy, happiness, harmony with my husband all contribute to me being here less, but I agree - this community is very supportive, very special.

I also go through different phases of feeling more or less safe about posting private information publicly, and at times have felt a little awed by how much of my inner life and sexual story i've volunteered online. My sense is that ultimately, nothing you post on the web is in any absolute sense private, even if you are using an avatar or different username. After years posting here as a confused and searching bachelorette, I'm now a happily married woman and now realize that sharing very private information about my mate feels quite different than sharing information about lovers I had in my more promiscuous/confused stages. So all of those are factors. It would be great to get the ladies out of the woodwork, I agree! We're around . . . .


Congratulations to you and your hubby, Hotspring! Did you do anything special when you were trying to conceive (did you still do karezza or some form of it?)? Your baby will be so fortunate to be born to two such loving parents~~

We didn't try to conceive but

We didn't try to conceive but we had been apart for a few weeks as he was on the East Coast getting trained for his job. We had talked about getting pregnant sometime after he got a good job and when we reunited upon his return, we did not practice karezza and the little one seized the moment to come in. We actually haven't been practicing for awhile. He doesn't feel the same strong energies I do when we practice karezza and so doesn't have the same incentive to do it. He is willing to stop making love within individual lovemaking sessions, but it is entirely driven by my request, and overall he certainly isn't driven to practice this as our primary form of loving. We get along quite well even when having orgasms. After exploring this for a few years, my conclusion is that it is not really possible to do karezza part time and conventional part time. Both people really need to want to practice karezza as the preferred choice for this to work, because it is an entirely different paradigm, and because our brains are so plastic. I don't think its possible to deepen into the true potencies available in Karezza if your brain is also being trained through conventional sex to go for orgasm most of the time. This is an ENTIRELY different way of making love, and it takes some time to establish those brain pathways of safety in being yourself, rather than a performer.

I know that I do prefer karezza. Since I like conventional sex as well, going along with that is easier than trying to change my mate. But I'm glad i know about karezza. My husband is familiar with the concepts and thinks its valid in its own way, but maybe not a superior way to make love as far as harmony is concerned. Now that I'm pregnant, I think it might be worthwhile to start to try again, mostly because I'm often very tired from the pregnancy and because of all the hormonal changes, less horny than usual. Orgasm does wipe me out easier and makes me less interested in sex for awhile. When I don't orgasm, I want to make love much more often, and when sex is not goal-oriented, it is so much more open and present and loving and ecstatic.

In order for this to work with my husband, I think I would have to make a very firm decision in myself that I wasn't interested in orgasm or conventional sex and let him know that I'm giving them up completely, not just abstaining within individual lovemaking sessions (this rarely works anyway - if I am trying not to come and he is choosing to come, it always pushes me over). I will need his cooperation in not pushing me over and can state the preference we practice karezza as a way of life, at least for a few months.

We'll see.


I would think during pregnancy would be a lovely time to practice karezza as you could lie on your back and be in the scissors position~~total comfort for both of you (all of you, lol).

And I agree that going between the two modes would be nearly impossible. One deadens your sensations (unfortunately) and one brings them alive at a cellular level. I hope you can figure out a way to make it work for you *both* over time!

Again, congratulations!

No, I don't hate men, I hate

No, I don't hate men, I hate how my stereotyped view of them negatively affects my quality of life. Therefore, I choose not to participate in activities like joining porn support forums that reinforce those incomplete and malnourished and limited views of men, because I love men and want to have a more well-rounded view of them that is based more in reality.

There ARE men out there who are not addicted to porn, who are loving with women and balanced within themselves. I choose to hang out with such men so that my view of men is always improving. It's a lot more fun! The potential for creation of a positive world is much greater when men and women work together and groove off of one another's mutual benefit. This is what I choose to do, rather than wasting my time going over the hurt and pain over and over, hashing out the intricacies of the gender wars. Life is short. I'd rather just place my attention in a way that feels good for me, and get over the self pity, blame, and self-reinforcing stories of why life can't be absolutely exquisite. Life and men can meet me in the way I need to be met as a whole woman when I choose to place my attention in places that actually feel good. That's where my healing came from. I didn't "solve" the porn problem, I didn't change the history of abuse against women, nor to I deny the reality of porn or abuse against women. But I did stop playing the war game, found love, and decided to use the energy of love to create the life that I truly enjoy.

Hi, Lucky~

Welcome, Lucky!

I'm another one of the few women who post here (I have a blog if you are interested).

What I've found is many of the women I know (close friends and also family members) do *not* want to learn or do anything that would cause *more* sex to happen~~they are not happy with the amount of "duty" sex they are giving to their partners as it is (wish they could just be left alone). So the times I've shared this concept (and offered books, etc.), I've been looked at like I was a bit out of my mind, lol. I have a couple of friends whose relationships I worry about...they are perfect together except for this one issue and I so wish they would try it as I think it would make it less likely they will end up as yet another divorce statistic.

For me, a huge shift in mindset came when I realized how healing and balancing this type of sex is for both partners and how important it is in order to feel that true, close connection~~I consider it medicine for my soul, for my body, and for my relationship.


Thanks to the women who've been posting here. I find your comments fascinating and affirming. Rachel's last comment about most women not wanting to do anything that would increase the duty sex in their lives confirms something I've known most of my life starting as a very young boy. As a guy (and a momma's boy), this has put me in a very awkward and hurtful place with my own sexuality and life energy. It's good to hear it. As long as its hidden, its extremely confusing to people like me. When its out in the open, opportunities for healing are possible.



I am a woman who has not been

I am a woman who has not been posting here recently for two reasons: a) I'm starting to wonder if I am more interested sexually in women than men (let's say my New Year's resolution is NOT to write off any woman's sexual interest in me, b) I'm not involved in a relationship with a man, so I have nothing to report. But I love the stories of how karezza has transformed lives, and I am in awe of the men who have initiated it in their relationships with their female partners. I know that the next relationship I enter into will have to include some form of sacred sexuality, straight or gay.
Rachel's point is interesting: As I read through the description of Karezza (the texts and people's accounts of it), all I can think is what woman wouldn't want this? The man doesn't expect you to serve him with all sorts of groovy techniques and positions; you can lie there and let him approach you with respect and adoration. Just soak up the goodness. I'd adore that! One hour in the early morning, simply letting him caress and gently enter you? No gyrating, no expectations of cumming or squirting or whatever the porn stars are doing these days? Dude, I want that!
Oops, shouldn't post with no experience after drinking a beer. Ah, why not.

Zelin's posts

Zelin's posts from last year about the trends she observed in her lesbian community were depressing. Thanks for the good wishes, though....


It truly does give an entirely different meaning to "sex" (it doesn't really even "feel" like sex anymore; just a joining together that feels so very good and something that could never get boring).

The pressure is off and you can just relax and enjoy each other. Best way I can think of to wake up in the morning~~

Hope you find your special someone!