Sometimes in a relationship, sex can get a little stale.
It’s perfectly normal, but as a sex writer the number one question I get asked is ‘how do I get those first time feelings back?’ The honest truth is that you can’t. There’s no way of making things totally new again. But there are plenty of ways of making them deeper, more passionate and more exciting than ever before. And isn’t that just as good?
Two people who are trying to bring better, happier and healthier sex are Mike Lousada and Louise Mazanti, authors of new book Real Sex.
There’s a whole lot to Mike and Louise’s theories (an entire book’s worth in fact!) but reading their book, on specific exercise struck me as properly effective. So, we’re sharing it with you.
The Karezza exercise from Real Sex by Mike Lousada and Louise Mazanti PhD
This exercise is a variation on the original version, developed by Dr Alice Stockham and described in her 1896 book Karezza: Ethics of
Its aim is to increase awareness of subtler sensations and to move away from orgasm as the goal of sex. the name comes, she said, from the Italian for caress – ‘carezza.’
This exercise is most effective with a partner but you can also do it on your own. it focuses on male-female partnering but includes other
1. Start with the man lying on one side and the woman on her back.
The man manoeuvres himself so that one leg lies over the woman’s legs. The man brings his genitals into contact with the woman’s
genitals – it’s important that they’re touching. The man does not need to be erect although if he gets an erection during this process, that’s okay, too.
2. If done between same-sex partners, either gender can simply hold their genitals against the other’s and begin the exercise as above.
3. If you don’t have a partner, you can simply lie comfortably and hold your hand over your genitals without moving it and without trying to make anything happen.
4. The idea is simply to lie with genitals touching, without movement, without penetration, for at least 30 minutes. Let your breath be soft and relaxed, breathing deeply without forcing it.
5. As you lie together you can make eye contact. Keep your attention in your genitals and notice what you feel as you lie together in this
way. There may be a strong impulse to move into penetration. You may want to begin giving your genitals more stimulation. Resist the temptation to do so.
6. Maybe at first sight this seems like a stupid exercise and you may not notice anything happening. If you are used to intense stimulation
or firm movements in penetration you might not notice the subtler feelings that can arise from this exercise.
7. Stay present with the experience and try to feel the subtler sensation of sexual energy – the background pleasure that is always available to us if we allow it and if we’re not focused on how we expect sex to feel or look like.
8. After a while, you may begin to feel some gentle sensations first in your genitals then moving out through your whole body.
9. Allow this expression of Eros energy to flow through your body just by focusing your intention on sensation, however subtle or strong
it might feel. Gradually it may begin to feel like a kind of sexual electricity shivering through your body.
10. It may be difficult to notice when you first try this exercise, but repeated practice of this exercise will give you intense feelings of pleasure and a deep sense of connection with your partner.
11. It’s possible in the Karezza to experience orgasm without any physical stimulation or movement and for pleasure to flow through
both partners without involving any sexual ‘techniques’.
So why is the Karezza an important part of your sexual arsenal? Well, we chatted to the authors Mike Lousada and Louise Mazanti, who told Metro.co.uk:
‘The point of the exercise is to move away from friction-based sex and to create an awareness of more subtle but equally pleasurable sensations. Its relevant today because pornography tends to focus on the idea that more intensity means better sex.
‘Sadly, the more we focus on intensity, the more we lose connection with more subtle pleasures. The Karezza helps us to reconnect with what at first seem subtle sensations but are, in fact, more powerful than big thrusting movements.
‘When we really tune in to these sensations, a bit like electricity running through our body, then our whole body can become orgasmic. This creates a full-body orgasm that can last as long as we chose for it to, instead of the rather brief type of genital orgasm that we refer to as a ‘pelvic sneeze’.’
So if you haven’t got any weekend plans, can we suggest that maybe you spend Friday night in bed..? You can find out more here.