Who Is More into Karezza, Men or Women?

Submitted by Maso on
Printer-friendly version

In the last 5 or 6 months that I have followed this site I noticed that the topics for posts tend to go in bunches. Because of the “bunch effect” my perception may be skewed—that is partially why I am asking the following question.

In my observation it seems that the guys in a relationship are more on board with Karezza and withholding orgasms than the women are. This isn’t always the case obviously but it just seems that more men say their female partners are still orgasmic.

This summer living with my girlfriend afforded us a lot more time together to practice Karezza, which she originally initiated. While we have done pretty well with it, she seems to have more trouble stopping short of an orgasm than I do. Right now I am at about a month without an orgasm and she normally averages about a week, occasionally less. Sometimes she just slides over the edge and other times she says she just needs one and goes for it. We have a “no fault orgasm policy” so whatever happens it’s all cool.

When I get heated up I slow down or stop thrusting a bit to gain control and then can start back up pretty easily. But my girlfriend said that even if I stop dead for a couple minutes or so she doesn’t seem to cool off much at all. Something that we tried if we really got heated up is to lay side by side, with me still inside her, and kiss. That usually moves on to caressing her breasts which are normally pretty sensitive. We did this a little over a week ago and when I started thrusting again she went right over the edge. My girlfriend said that she still felt the sensation of my penis inside of her even if I wasn’t thrusting and the other things I did just brought her to a boil. She said on the upside it was a terrific orgasm—I was happy about that part at least.

We have a few theories but we wanted to know if this is a real phenomenon that others are experiencing. Also maybe some suggestions how other couples handle it; slow down more, go with it, whatever. I really don’t mind her having an orgasm if she wants to have one, but would like to help her slow down if that is what she wants to do. Your comments would be appreciated.

Topic:

Comments

Interesting observation

I don't have much to offer, except to say I am with you.

For the two of us, your observation is spot on. Before we started this particular journey I would never have predicted that it would be my wife who would be having the most difficulty. But it's true.
When we first began making love with karezza in mind, she would be very frustrated the rest of the day if she did not have an O. So, like you, we both came to an agreement on the "no fault" O policy. If that was what she desired then so be it. The problem is, of course, the experience also tires her out and drains her. So I am hoping that as time goes by we will both be able to figure this out.

So I, too, am looking forward to hearing more feedback from others.
Thank you, Maso. Good to be here with you.

No fault O policy

Just as goal-driven orgasmic sex creates anxiety, so it would seem to me that decreeing the opposite could create another form of anxiety. Here's my two cents as a woman: It takes longer for us to get aroused. My brain is racing and I need to make myself stop the ongoing monologue in my head. I finally do that and I can concentrate on being in the moment. It also takes longer to stop feeling aroused, and making it happen abruptly is just more frustrating. So that might be what other women are struggling with.
I feel a gentle amusement hearing that your girlfriend initiated Karezza and is the one struggling with the orgasm control. That's what happens in the story I'm writing. The woman introduces the idea, the man is skeptical, but when they try it, she has a harder time than she expected slowing herself down than he does. But they had also been doing Taoist love practices, so he had more practice in self-control than she. And he's just awesome like that.

It's also a pilot-boat thing

A guy is doing most of the movement, so he can slow down when he needs to. But she's on the receiving end...blissing out...and isn't controlling the stimulation. To control it, she may need to learn to "tap" him or something, but that takes her out of that super-relaxed space, so it's not ideal.

Neither Daoists or tantrikas made much fuss about women's orgasm (and many tantrikas encourage it). But I'm not sure that is because orgasm benefits women. I think it was more due to a misunderstanding that loss of semen is the only cost for guys. In fact, it's the neurochemical ripples in both sexes that are (in many, most?) of us a problem.

Anyway, once women see the cost and brave the "blue balls" (or "blue petal" as the female fapstronauts call it...) feeling and discover they don't have to orgasm for it to fade away, they may choose the benefits (more energy, fewer mood swings) of fewer orgasms. That seems to happen naturally.

BTW, you men are amazing. Your willingness to explore is impressive.Kiss 2

Karezza v Dao & Tantra

WHen I first read about Taoist Love Practices, I was like "Oh yeah, baby! I get to orgasm away and give my man chi! How cool is that?" Then I read some more of the feminist critiques of some school of Daoist thought, and I could see where women become these objects, sources of energy to be emptied for the man's purpose as he withheld his own essence for his advantages. That made me wary. So when I started to read about Karezza, I felt less objectification was there between the man and the woman, and my aspirations shifted to that. Seriously, no pressure to orgasm, tenderness, deep soul connection vs straining away and feeling pushed to climax when I can do that better on my own own? No contest in my mind.
And yes, I am impressed by the men here. Whether working on restoring a marriage or relationship, or overcoming an addiction to porn or masturbation, I am moved by their discipline and desire to to improve their lives. Good men!

Yeah, tantra

was apparently a male enlightenment practice, which simply employed ritualized sex on occasion as a way to get high...basically. However, it's possible that, like the Daoists, they "lost the plot" after a much earlier, more balanced philosophy of mutual enlightenment.

This book of translations suggests this was the case in China: http://www.reuniting.info/wisdom/taoism_chinese_sexology_wile

And this article suggests there was an earlier, similar tradition in India, although clues are sparse: http://www.reuniting.info/blogs/marnia/sacred-sex-and-indus-valley-civil...

You may also like this article: http://www.reuniting.info/wisdom/neotaoism_and_karezza

As a spiritual practice...only mutuality makes sense, at least if you believe that you get back what you give out....

 

 

Slow gentle tender sex is

Slow gentle tender sex is just more of a turn on for women. So of course the irony is that karezza will make women very orgasmic, perhaps more so, because it is more in tune with her approach to sexuality. Sensation increases with less speed. What's happening is that the energetic anatomy of your girlfriend, which is responding to the presence of your penis, is waking up, and with it, her regular anatomy. Ie, she is starting to become TRULY receptive now that things are slowing down, and her whole circuitry is waking up in a new way.

Cheers to that! For the woman, the question shifts from: how can I just show that, yes, I'm capable of catching up with and matching this faster form of sex that is basically stimulation and performance driven (and not really true to my nature), to "how can I possibly receive this much pleasure without going over?"

Very good insight

Bianca. I believe you nailed it. The same is true for my partner, which explains why I was so surprised that she, too, had difficulty not going over and was very frustrated otherwise. The slowness, as well as the longer time with P in V, does something to her.
I really appreciate the few women who are on here. You help the men out. And we need it. LOL

Men are MUCH more interested in it than women

I introduced karezza to my ex-girlfriend, and she agreed with the science and was curious to try it, but when the time came to practice it all went out the window and I was struggling to keep control (surprisingly, I never did orgasm while with her) while she went on the mechanical programming.

I think its because the benefits of renouncing the orgasm or more immediately obvious for the male (at least for me it is) whereas for the female its more subtle and she never notices the effects on the male.

I suspect you're right

Guys generally feel the effects more quickly, so it's easier for them to see the benefits. That's one reason I try to get couples to be consistent for 3 weeks before going back to standard sex with orgasm. I think that's the only way those who are only subtly affected will recognize what they're dealing with.

Hold strong to your intention. You'll find an opening when the time is right.

desensitization

I also have this problem. For me it's that the amount of stimulation my partner requires to orgasm is so much less than my body needs. Mine hasn't been desensitized by porn + masturbation. Slowing down meant I could actaully feel something for the first time in a while. I don't find the style of lovemaking that involves lots of movement, friction + thrusting offers much sensation. Rather the opposite. The more idle undirected movement there is or the more friction, the less I can feel, So slowing down to help my partner feel took me right to orgasm very quickly.

Starting out, and gentle

When we started we didnt really understand what gentle meant. When in doubt try going slower. Also relaxing your pelvic floor is critical to getting excited so try not clutching it. That's if you dont want to get excited, of course.

Well,

there are worse problems to have. Wink

Do you notice mood swings after your orgasms? Any other insights you want to share?