New to Karezza, nervous/uncertain about how to get my partner on board

Submitted by MCCrochet on
Printer-friendly version

Hello friendly Karezza folks!

I am new to this community and read "Peace Between the sheets" just this past month! It blew my mind! I am a Yin who delights in sex with Yang! So much of the separation behaviour Marnia described was familiar to me. I know that orgasm addiction/attachment has been an important source of intense conflict in my relationships. I was inspired and decided to stop masturbating to see if I felt any different (from 3 - 4 times a week). I was asked out three times in one week my virtual strangers! I also felt more energized, focused, and my emotions stabilized in a major way after about a week and a half. I also had the most pain-free menstrual cycle in years, which was an incredible blessing, as typically the pain can be debilitating. Coincidentally, my sweetheart spent the month also reducing his masturbation frequency (without my knowledge!) in preparation for a spiritual ceremony he was undertaking. We had two weeks of incredibly blissful snuggling, gentle lovemaking, and beautiful magnetism.

His spiritual ceremony completed and consequently him beginning to masturbate again, and my attempt to masturbate without orgasm (HA!) has it so that we're feeling distance and bothered by each other. We had a beautiful taste of incredible relationship harmony. I know for myself I want to continue living without orgasm and in more balance, as the benefits were really remarkable. I am also deeply yearning to experiment with sex without orgasm with my sweetheart. I need a lot of very specific attention (usually oral) to come, so abstaining is not much of a problem for me. My issue is that I am not sure how to suggest this new way of managing our sexual energy to my boyfriend. My boyfriend is quite independent and strong-willed. I also sense in him and myself a block in exploring the spiritual nature of sex. I have the sense that he might feel really scared and resentful to give up ejaculating. We both deeply care about respecting each others' autonomy and not controlling each other. I am not sure how to suggest to him "how about you stop having this experience you really enjoy (orgasm), and make love like this?". I would feel so uncomfortable asking him not to come.

I am looking for some advice on how to bring more tenderness and less chaos into our lovemaking. My partner doesn't have an independent interest in Karezza. I have given him "peace between the sheets" and asked him to read it, but he doesn't seem keen. I want to come from a place of compassion and gentleness as I love him very deeply. Please help! :)




I'm not sure there's an easy answer to this, but there is a new version of Peace out there now. It's called Cupid's Poisoned Arrow, and it includes a lot of what we've been learning since Peace was written a decade ago.

Check out Karezza Korner (lefthand margin), which has a lot of FAQs. Also, you can find a lot of our relevant articles in the articles at the bottom of this page:

You're right that you can't push him. I think asking his opinion about the book is good, but he may respond better to the new version as it has a lot more science. (My husband took a more active role this time. Wink ) And the Exchanges have been simplified. (Phew!) The Kindle version is less than ten dollars, so it may be worth it.

I'd make sure to engage in bonding behaviors regularly. That helps with clearer perception. You probably already do this, but read this just in case: The Lazy Way to Stay in Love.

Don't be afraid to set an example by exploring staying orgasm-free yourself.

Finally, in Cupid I included this tip from a man. It might be a good place to start:

A program like the Exchanges isn’t appealing as a starting point. I
can imagine a wife saying “Honey, let’s try this program, where we
don’t make love for two weeks . . .” (at which moment the man feels
like the room is starting to spin, and he grabs hold of a chair to hang
on to) “and then we can make love but don’t have orgasms” (at
which moment the man becomes stone deaf and catatonic). Instead,
the experience could begin with the suggestion that the couple make
love in the morning without orgasm (or getting close to orgasm),
so he can see how he feels during the day. (If he tries this in the
morning he won’t be anxious about getting to sleep afterward.)
I’m betting that most men will make the same astonishing, but
pleasant, discovery that some of us other explorers have. I felt surprisingly
normal a minute or two after getting out of bed. There was
no feeling of desperately wanting an orgasm, nor did I feel particularly
horny throughout the day. Instead I felt good. I had a nice
afterglow feeling all day. Once a man experiences this for himself,
he may be more willing to try the Exchanges.
If you try an experiment along these lines, take care to keep your lovemaking
very relaxed. Racing up to the edge of orgasm with vigorous sex
and then slamming on the brakes can create discomfort, frustration, and,
if you’re male, prostate stress. It is strongly not recommended.

I'm sure others will jump in too. Good luck!

common issue

"My issue is that I am not sure how to suggest this new way of managing our sexual energy to my boyfriend. My boyfriend is quite independent and strong-willed. I also sense in him and myself a block in exploring the spiritual nature of sex. I have the sense that he might feel really scared and resentful to give up ejaculating."


Well, I wouldn't even try. I would say "I'm not going to come for awhile. I'd like to explore my sexual nature without having an orgasm." And you proceed from that point of view. Slow him down if you feel he is getting to intense for you applying clitoral stimulation or whatever that is putting you over the edge, and abstain from having him give you oral, and you can proceed to explore this.

I know it sounds weird. But really, it will be much easier for him to jump aboard on his own, once you are doing your thing. A man will take a woman's lead here after a bit, it won't take much. Just to try things out for a few weeks.


Interesting Progress!

Wow, thank you all for your helpful comments. I made an incredible breakthrough and realized that I am responsible for the way I make love, and I can do so according to my own values and how I want to receive my sweetheart. I let my boyfriend know that I wanted to explore life without orgasm, and that I was going work on being more relaxed, still and receptive when we make love. I also assured him that I will never pressure him to give up ejaculating before he is ready, and it feels great to give up that urge to control.

Last night I asked for all the tender touches I wanted without getting too excited, and didn't let us start until I was fully ready! We had many beautiful and intimate magnetic moments!

Thanks for helping me see how much exploration there is to do for myself, even if my partner isn't ready to start his own exploration yet. It feels great to own my sexual energy and yield it more gentleness, love, and above all, awareness.