1st post, 22 years old, e.d., anxiety, depression, PMO relapse(s)

Submitted by Mr.NiceGuy on
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Hello everyone, sorry for the long post but I'm lost and don't know what else to do so please bear with me. A bit of background info:

I saw porn for the first time at age 10, and have been watching it on and off ever since. At first it was just whenever I had an opportunity to, then when my family got a computer at around age 12-13 I watched internet porn every chance I got. This went on sporadically through high school until I got my own laptop at 18. Then it was game on. I became horribly depressed, to the point of contemplating suicide, and yes, porn was "there for me" every day. I lost my virginity at 19, but I remember having trouble getting it up. I thought it was due to anxiety. If only I knew then what I know now! My first long term gf and I had sex regularly, and porn use went down. ED didn't seem to be an issue for a year or two, probably because I was having sex instead of pmo'ing. But for a few months while I was away at college and lonely, my porn use really began to escalate. When we broke up for good back in August, I was depressed again, and continued porn use. I had no confidence, and suffered embarrassing e.d. with three different girls. I basically just quit trying to connect with the opposite sex over the past year. My friends all think I'm weird or that I'm a "pussy" for not trying to hook up with girls. A close "friend" of mine even thought it was funny and told people in our social circle that I'm addicted to porn and that I "jack off instead of hook up with girls" This only added to my bad enough anxiety. I'm actually a good looking guy, but looking back over the years I now know why I've had such bad luck socially and with potential partners - PORN!!! It has shattered my self esteem for much of my life up to this point, (I'm 22) and thus definitely had a a very negative impact on how people view me. I've been trying to reboot since November, the longest I made it was two weeks; I feel hopeless. This is day 1 no P, day 6 no MO. Yeah... I keep watching porn and edging without orgasm. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to reclaim my life and climb out of this dark hole. Thanks in advance for reading my story and for any comments.

Comments

welcome

post here all the time. Every day. Keep involved. This is a project, being porn free, that will last you the rest of your life. Are there girls on the horizon you can socialize with during this time? Or have a non sexual performance driven but physical relationship with?

yes, there are a few

yes, there are a few possibilities. i guess i have been too self conscious and nervous lately to even bother. i'm going to attempt putting myself out there and see what happens; i need to get out of the house big time. thank you for your encouragement

You have just embarked on a

You have just embarked on a journey that will change your life my friend. I suggest that you proceed with no PMO and as little fantasy as possible. Unfortunately, for many guys on this site, real sex is like a piece of broccoli and internet porn is like a big piece of double-dutch chocolate fudge cake with raspberry sauce. Your sexual brain has become obese and its time to whip it into shape lol! You must not only put down the cake, but also stop obscessing over it. You MUST find replacement activities - as mentioned by emmerson, blogging on this site is one of the best. At first, it may be a good idea to get away from women and female imagery entirely, but it is crucial that you begin to interact with women soon after. Try not to look at them as sex objects either. Look at their faces when they talk to you, dont stare at there breasts and assess. There are many ways to skin the cat, these are just pieces of advice that I have recieved from others on this site and that I have discovered that have expidited my reboot/rewire process. Don't put time pressure on yourself either. This thing could be over in 5 weeks or it may take years. It doesn't matter, you will get your life back and you were right to see porn as the culprit. Courage courage courage. This will not be easy, but the results will inspire you if you stick with it. Stay strong!

yeah you're right. when i

yeah you're right. when i went for two weeks no pmo i was definitely keeping myself busy, especially with activities that helped with the dopamine situation (lifted weights, swam a little, tried to begin meditating, school work, etc.) it's time to get serious and stay focused. thank you!