Musician's blog

Day 84

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Submitted by Musician on

I had a relapse last week. No porn or even pictures. Just watching people with binoculars. It was a big dopamine rush. I did it for roughly a week, a few hours at a time sometimes. Not touching myself while doing it though. Then I masturbated just to test on a different occasion, once to a completely gay fantasy, and the other time I made myself do it to a woman, which felt nice. I don't even know what's going on. So I laid the masturbation to rest about 6 days ago, and I started over. The window stuff I'm on day 4. I put up blinds in my window, and I'm living with myself.

Day 72 - At a crossroads

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So, things have begun to be a little different lately. Maybe it's just the spring air.

I don't understand many things.

1) I had serious dopamine rushes to guys, but when I finally touched myself for a second, it felt wrong, and the female fantasy felt right. I stopped immediately, because I didn't want to ruin my reboot. I hope this stops after a while.

Day 45

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It's so funny, by no intention of my own, it seems that every 15 days, I make another decision on what to eliminate; this time, I'm eliminating looking out the window at girls showering (creepy, I know, but I guess an addict's mind is an addict's mind).

Day 39 done

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I'm really suffering.

On the bright side, the gay stuff really seems to be fading away and restoring back to normal. On the bad side, I had something horrible happen to me today:

My day 30 update

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I don't have very much to report. I'm still experiencing brain fog, a lot of anger, dopamine spikes, etc. On the bright side, I've stopped testing on the internet completely for about 15 days. In turn, it's brought my testing away from the internet down to practically nil, or at worst, a couple of minutes a day max.

Day 16 no PMO today - day 1 no testing

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Submitted by Musician on

I made a choice to quit PMO and testing. A lot went into this.

First 15 days have been hell, but surprisingly, probably the easiest reboot I've had yet (this is my 3rd real attempt).

I think I need to quit internet testing, and probably other kinds of testing. Let this fall away for 3 months and see what happens. Take a chill time-out, as best as I can, considering the difficulties of rebooting. I think it's definitely contributing right now.

Glad to have a loving, snuggly girlfriend. It makes it easier in many ways.

How are you doing, Marnia?

Moving forward

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Submitted by Musician on

I want to mention that I had a couple of relapses, about 50+ days in. On the bright side, my sexuality is restored. I am not even gay or bi. I'm feeling better and my relationship has improved. The key word is "happier". I have not been able to use that word in a very long time.

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