I will provide a little update.
Love life has improved dramatically. We don't fight anymore practically. It's been really beautiful. Less intense, more positive feelings towards each other. We can practice karezza for hours. We did four hours one day - two in the morning and two in the evening. And we've had a couple of days without it as well, and we are fine. Might also be because of stressful situations - she's got her graduation recital on violin today and I am having stupid dopamine spikes. It's ok - I think we are handling this way better than before - knock on wood.
Yeah, these dopamine spikes suck. I'm almost waiting for my brain to snap back to reality. I meditate from 30-45 minutes a day. Everyday 30 in the morning, and when I don't go out at night, 15 more in the evening. It's interesting to see how everything isn't real - all the thoughts, spikes, etc. It's like I live in a dual world - one with spikes, and one with reality. I hope my brain will just snap like a rubber band and it will see the real world, including my true sexuality, which would be nice.
I haven't orgasmed in 29 days. I've played with myself, but during that time, in this laboratory experiment, I've seen the nature of how compulsive this can be. I'm learning my habits sometimes, and I'm trying to cut back. Some days are better than others in terms of spikes. I try not to go too far though. Actually, some days have been pretty horrible, but weirdly enough, I saw a pair of tits on TV at night in a movie a few days ago, it triggered a crazy rush, and then I woke up on the right side of the bed the next morning. I don't even know what's going on anymore.
Last night, I was sort of semi-consciously playing with myself, and I thought of a guy, and then I started pre-cumming like crazy. When the rush left, I could only masturbate legitimately to a girl, and not a guy. I think these are all stupid dopamine spikes and 2-dimensional dreams at night, and they are altering my world. I think I want to just leave my dick alone now. I hate this. I hope with the path I'm taking, this stuff will end. Day 107 is a huge number, way bigger than anything I've done before. I know my recovery will have to continue to experience true success as I envisioned it. This is just progress right now. I hope there really is a light at the end of this tunnel.
My brain also isn't as sharp as I'd like it to be. It's as if I've done some brain damage to it. Like, I don't have memory for dates and numbers anymore. I hope this also changes if my brain snaps back. I'm not that good at math, but I'd like to just do math problems to get my brain going again. If my brain snaps back, if it's even possible, I'd like to get my sharpness back again. I'm pretty lonely without it.
Ok, that's kind of all for now.