Day 11 - Tricks the mind plays

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I'm feeling more alive. This retreat was the most amazing thing to happen to me in months Biggrin

ATM, I'm going through a phase after 5 days of bonding exercises, where I love hugging my GF in the middle of the night, but then my fantasy switches to this almost-14-year-old girl I know, though I know how wrong it is. But it does seriously turn me on (I guess that she's so new and fresh, which scares the hell out of me). I'd never do anything about that in reality, because I know how messed up it is. Anyway, I see my mind is going into all sorts of places. I do say, that when I have joyful moments when it comes to either fantasy/bonding, the HOCD disappears, because I know in the fantasy realm I can't be gay. But I haven't quite become grounded in reality and to what I'm really attracted to. When I see a man, I spike and wonder, and when I see my GF, I'm not quite happy yet. It takes a long time to undo the fantasy stuff. I don't know if I'll ever undo some things, but I hope with more bonding, meditating, etc., everything will be manageable and I can be happy where I am and with whom I'm with.

I am also coming across my fears of being with a woman, for fear of hurting her, fear of getting her pregnant (virtually no chance of that here), and fear of disappointing her or being rejected by her. A lot of stuff is coming up, and as Louie was mentioning in another post, it could be the body/mind purging itself of negativity through positive action. I've had this experience plenty of times after meditation retreats, and I'm doing my best to learn to control my actions and letting this negativity pass like waves. This can be hard, because it can be hard to surf a high-tide or even a mini-tsunami. For instance, I had a dream last night where a young man hijacked a plane, killed 90 people and survived himself, and later claimed he just got off a meditation retreat. I understood him completely, though I did my best to turn him in to the police. Point is, that I can feel like that, but through positive actions instead of negative ones, I hope that it turns out that I'm on the verge of a transition in my life and relationship into something more happy.

Last point, I don't know for sure, but I do get aroused while wearing pajamas, which I've only started doing for the sake of not getting too aroused at night while doing the exchanges. The wet dream came while wearing pajamas. If anybody has an alternative in what I can sleep in, suggestions will be appreciated.

Thanks for reading,


I can totally relate to what you're saying

about surfing and the body and mind purging themselves. It IS hard. And also I can relate to the tricks the mind plays. It's like having two different selves. One is deceiving you and making you believe things that are not true or that will ultimately hurt you (I've been one whole month and a half totally believing that the girl I love was with somebody else and it just wasn't true at all) the other one is your true self: the loving and caring person that you really are and who truely loves and suffers . Yesterday I went to my psychologist and I was so completely blocked that I couldn't speak at times and broke into tears. Underneath a lot of stuff that we're going through is fear. Fear of not being up to the circumstances, fear of being a failure... in my case it is fear that the block will go on forever and that the girl I love will eventually get tired of it and find somebody new. So, you're not alone there and I understand when you say it is hard.

But, positive actions can lift us up. Not totally and once and for all but litlle by little. Today I've gone for a walk through the forest listening to music and I have felt the positive and loving emotions showing up a bit afer almost four days of deep freeze.Just trust and keep going.

Sounds like your brain

is really demonstrating how meaningless all these "stimulation temptations" are. If one doesn't suck you in, it trots out something new.

I think you may just need to master the RED X ( technique. Stop entertaining and analyzing these intrusive thoughts. Right now, it sounds like you do that, without realizing that you are really just wallowing in the dopamine buzz they offer.

Learn to halt that process instantly. Eventually your brain will stop proposing the thoughts because it's not getting the dopamine it's seeking. See?


I've been doing that much, much more lately. Less fantasy, more living. Funny, I'm actually getting bored now, that my fantasy is dying down, but it's good because I can replace my boredom with positive activities like practicing piano. There are definitely moments where I need to tone it down, and the suggestions on the RED X page are very useful. I will continue work in this direction. I can definitely see times where it goes too far, like this morning while half-asleep, so I stopped with plenty of time. Sometimes, it's hard to notice when you're half-asleep and with those pajamas. But I think that yes, I have to stop it ASAP. In general though and during waking hours, things are picking up more nicely, meanwhile.

This is very interesting

I wouldn't mind doing that, though I always thought of myself as a highly sexual being. I'd love to restore harmony in my relationship before anything else. Maybe at some point I would consider that.

On a day like today, where my HOCD is really strong (really feel "gay urges" or whatever, or maybe real ones, and massive life-long denial, idk), my first impulse is to actually release and know I'm straight. Instead, I'm going to ride this one out and see where it goes. This is very scary, because I don't know where I'll end up, but I feel it has to be done right now.

You linked me this the other

You linked me this the other day too! I read this, it's very interesting. I'm not sure what to make of it, but I may be in the camp of it being closer to an orgasm, because my spiking went up the next day. On the other hand, it's nice to know my sexuality is reemerging. I had a slight chaser for a few minutes immediately after, but no chaser afterwards.

The Gollum self will always

The Gollum self will always distract you from your focus to Recovery.

But the key for a progress is to Refocus on your wants without beating yourself up.

You can do it.

Stay Positive
Stay Strong
Stay happy

Terrible day

HOCD/actually being gay is acting up. I thought I'd be cured by now. I thought I wouldn't be so turned on by teenage girls and I'd grow into women, like my girlfriend. And I don't know what's going on with the HOCD thing. It's awful and seems so real.

That's an amazing book!

In fact I bought it together with "Cupid's Poisoned Arrow" and I read one after the other. There are specifically two chapters which could be quite interesting in Musician's case: "Acquiring Tastes and Loves (What Neuroplasticity Teaches Us About Sexual Attraction and Love)" and "Brain Lock Unlocked (Using Plasticity to Stop Worries, Obsessions, Compulsions, and Bad Habits)" Highly recommended reading.


That article blew me away. Fascinating stuff. I especially appreciate this quote:

"The deepest meaning of sexual experience lies not in pleasure, or even in reproduction, but in the opportunity it affords to surmount the solipsistic gulf, opening the door, so to speak, whether or not one undertakes the work to go through. It is the afterplay, not the foreplay, that counts in building trust.”

Ride it out!

Musician, The outcome can only be good. You know that, your heart knows that. but your brain's trying to trick you.
You're completely in control.
The good life awaits us if only we let go of the terrible one we've always known...

Install an antivirus in your brain/mind. Once a thought you know in your heart is bad pops in, attack it vigorously, ask 'why' am I thinking this? Is this natural? Is this good for all concerned? Sort of like the rotary club's four way test. If not burn it. (or red x it).

And find the nearest beautiful thought or beautiful person (your sweetie) you can find and focus on them.

That's what I do now...

Thank you all

for all your tips. I had a very long day today, but I will read all the links in the coming day or two.

I will do my best to ride it out. New post, more details.

I Read the chapter

It is great stuff. First of all, it's very encouraging. I hope that I will move away from pornographizing/sexualizing other women. I'm so tempted to go for someone with certain features, but I don't know if it's a good idea.

Secondly, I'm not sure I was clear enough when I mentioned passion/lust. I think I referred more to joy. Just being with the physical presence of my girlfriend. It's not really about getting my rocks off or anything. It's more about just being in love with her body/presence. And that's where I hope I won't make such a big deal that she looks or doesn't look like so and so. Don't know if it will work, but quitting porn is a good idea, and I hope that our bond will go a long way.

In my logic (likely flawed), the gay man needs to leave his marriage because he needs to find the person he's attracted to - in his case a man. I hope it doesn't work out like that with me, where I will need to find the person I'm attracted to - in my case another woman. Do you think that may be the case with me? Anyway, I will continue the work, and see where it takes me.

Who knows?

That said, I'm pretty sure that some porn users escalate to stuff that they (now) need to get turned on, but it's not who they really are. They just don't realize that brains are plastic...because the process seems like a one-way street. And one has to cross a long, dry desert to "reset" one's tastes.