I'm feeling more alive. This retreat was the most amazing thing to happen to me in months
ATM, I'm going through a phase after 5 days of bonding exercises, where I love hugging my GF in the middle of the night, but then my fantasy switches to this almost-14-year-old girl I know, though I know how wrong it is. But it does seriously turn me on (I guess that she's so new and fresh, which scares the hell out of me). I'd never do anything about that in reality, because I know how messed up it is. Anyway, I see my mind is going into all sorts of places. I do say, that when I have joyful moments when it comes to either fantasy/bonding, the HOCD disappears, because I know in the fantasy realm I can't be gay. But I haven't quite become grounded in reality and to what I'm really attracted to. When I see a man, I spike and wonder, and when I see my GF, I'm not quite happy yet. It takes a long time to undo the fantasy stuff. I don't know if I'll ever undo some things, but I hope with more bonding, meditating, etc., everything will be manageable and I can be happy where I am and with whom I'm with.
I am also coming across my fears of being with a woman, for fear of hurting her, fear of getting her pregnant (virtually no chance of that here), and fear of disappointing her or being rejected by her. A lot of stuff is coming up, and as Louie was mentioning in another post, it could be the body/mind purging itself of negativity through positive action. I've had this experience plenty of times after meditation retreats, and I'm doing my best to learn to control my actions and letting this negativity pass like waves. This can be hard, because it can be hard to surf a high-tide or even a mini-tsunami. For instance, I had a dream last night where a young man hijacked a plane, killed 90 people and survived himself, and later claimed he just got off a meditation retreat. I understood him completely, though I did my best to turn him in to the police. Point is, that I can feel like that, but through positive actions instead of negative ones, I hope that it turns out that I'm on the verge of a transition in my life and relationship into something more happy.
Last point, I don't know for sure, but I do get aroused while wearing pajamas, which I've only started doing for the sake of not getting too aroused at night while doing the exchanges. The wet dream came while wearing pajamas. If anybody has an alternative in what I can sleep in, suggestions will be appreciated.
Thanks for reading,