Day 23 - a positive note

Musician's picture
Submitted by Musician on
Printer-friendly version

I don't want to post too much, but I do think it's important to note this accomplishment:

I had a pretty rough couple of days, and I was burdened with a really weird sleeping pattern: 2 hours of sleep, then sweats and horniness, and insomnia for almost 4 hours. I even started doing things to my girlfriend at night. I got really horny. Then, I went into my own fantasy, and it was driving me crazy. The only thing that got me through it was my commitment and hugging her at night. Hugging her is so much different from porn fantasy and gay dopamine spikes, which I couldn't even get off to, even if I tried. So this is just pure motivation to keep going. And, I guess the oxytocin that comes from cuddling her, even in the nude. It just helped defuse the situation.

I had a really rough, nasty night, and my dreams were so ridiculously porn-induced, that I was positive I had binged. But I woke up, and my girlfriend asked me if I came, and I said, "no, and I didn't look at porn", with a smile on my face. I am proud that I made it through that night. It was pretty dreadful, but after those horrible headaches I had around day 12, dealing with a little horniness is something I can handle. She also seemed really happy.

I know not to ride this pride too much, because I can wind up bingeing in a good moment. And I am craving porn, and probably will be for a while. I probably have to stay vigilant for a long time, maybe a year or more. But I hope it gets easier, though of course, not too easy, because I do not want to wind up in the same habits again. 23 days of living in the real world, as conflicting as it may be because of the addiction, is showing me a better way - I think so, at least. And I think I'm going to go with it.

Really, I did look at a little porn on day 3 because my girlfriend was away and sent me some pictures, and then I did a little looking/testing, but I'm calling it day 23 because it was 23 days ago I made my decision to quit. This has been my most productive reboot yet, so far.

Gotta be strong Biggrin

Comments

Well done

Tell her not to send you pics of herself for a few months, if they're triggers. To the primitive part of the brain one pixelated body isn't much different than another. In an addict's mind, it's a ready invitation to click to something novel in the addict's perpetual search for sexual novelty.

Yeah

We had that talk. She's very supportive. It was in the beginning moments of the reboot, as we were navigating those waters. That's in the past now, hopefully for myself.