Day 28 - Nice day

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Practiced the piano, drove my girlfriend to her university and back. Spikes here and there, but nothing wrecking me. I woke up with AMAZING wood. I never realized how bad my ED was in the past. I really have a tool, and I didn't know it. Now I know why men love to build things! I'm sure I'll have even better. Except when my girlfriend asked me about my sleep-talking this morning, "Whom were you saying 'I love you' to?" And I couldn't remember at first. Then I realized, it was this redhead (not my girlfriend) I was hugging in my dreams and grabbing her breasts. And I couldn't confess to my girlfriend that I loved another girl in that dream. This is bugging me a lot. Wondering, when I have no physical desire for my own girlfriend, even though she's cute and beautiful, is that me having low libido? And when I'm looking at other girls, who objectively really aren't any better or worse than my girlfriend, is that me just craving the porn rush of checking for the next best thing, like edging almost? If a normal libido resumes, if that's what it is, will I just be happy with the female form, smell, beauty, and not be so obsessive about certain features, though in reality they may even be endearing instead of how bad I make them out to be?

Comments

Congratulations on your tool

Yahoo

Look...you're doing great on taming your conscious thoughts...but don't beat up on yourself for your dreams. They're not under your control. They don't necessarily "mean" anything.

You worry too much!

Glad your days are smoothing out. Your hard work is paying off.

Thanks, Marnia!

Grin

This means that it's the low libido, right? I mean, I know you're not giving me the straight answer, so I won't expect one, and maybe I shouldn't worry. I just hope the libido goes to the right place - her.

To dream or not to dream?

Hi!

Congratulations on making this far, and I feel you can fully Recover!
About the dreams, Marnia is right, don't beat yourself up about it.
Dreams are sometimes I call (other self) because you feel like you are torn between what you really want for the long term and what you want for the short term. Being on addiction, you have 2 different if not more personalities you discover. One is the YOU who wants to Recover, to heal, to feel the amazing joy in real lovemaking. The other YOU is the one who wants porn, an addict, and is into whatever it is you want to recover from. It is your CONSCIOUSNESS who can really decide which YOU you want to be. Dreams are the other YOU who wants to fight back and be the dominant personality. Do you want the addict one? or the healed one? You decide.

Your craving for other girls, is your addict personality. You crave them because you know you can't do PORN stuff with your girlfriend, and you don't want to treat her that way, thus you project your porn wants to other girls. May they be pretty or not. Like I said earlier, YOU DECIDE, which one you are. There are times that the other self may be trying hard to be dominant over the other, but be AWARE of what you really want. For the long run, and not the short term satisfaction.

About the redhead girl, was she someone you met in person, or was she some porn star or someone you fantasize about? The fact that you are guilty about that dream is already a gift! You felt guilty because you love your girlfriend! You don't want to hurt her. Feel happy that you discovered how much she means to you! Congratulations for that

You might wanna try this: Every morning when you wake up, be grateful for and to your girlfriend. Appreciate the qualities you like about her, her humor, her beauty. Every detail of her face, love it. And I tell you, your love will grow for her. Do not dwell on her not so good side, but capitalize on reminding yourself why you love her. If there are some imperfections about her, then accept her as she is. COMPLIMENT if she wears nice clothes, or make up, and thank her for the breakfast she prepared. Every morning, spend time just hugging her, and how happy you are just being with her. APPRECIATION can go a long way in relationships.

Congratulations and Thank You for your wonderful story.
Stay positive and grateful
You can do it!

Wow

That might have been one of the coolest things I've read yet on this website!

Everyday I'm seeing my girlfriend differently. It really is amazing. Actually, my girlfriend spends a lot of time shutting me up lately because I can't get enough of her. It's like I'm seeing her first the first time in the few years we've been together. This porn was a killer. When I met her, I chose porn over her, and these last 28 days it becomes more clear that that was a bad choice. It's also becoming clear that if I want to live life, I need to make better choices. One thing is to stop staying up so late. I do that because I'm addicted to my iPod, which I'm typing on now. Or that I got hooked on tv instead of cuddling with my girlfriend. She's asleep by the time I come to bed. I also hate the penis image I get when I touch her (I had some gay experiences when I was younger, and it was an escalation, and the dopamine is putting it into my head, I think). So I'm scared of that. Thing is, I need to take those addictive activities and replace them with positive things, like reading or spending time with my girlfriend. It's very hard to do. Quitting PMO is only the first step. Just to be disciplined. I wanted to practice piano 3 hours today. I only practiced 2 1/2 hours today. Thing is, I understand I got lazy and I need to be forgiving of myself, but I always allow myself this window to get lazy and then I forget my goals and my life falls apart. So as I begin to have a more clear mind, I would like to learn to accept responsibity for it more and more. I guess I'm just a little upset about all this and a little worried because I've been here before. Also, the gay stuff is disturbing, though the HOCD isn't bothering me so much anymore. The backdoor spike is (don't know how familiar you are with HOCD). And when I hug her, I get thoughts like, "what if I don't like it? Maybe this isn't for me?" I know it's OCD. But I know part of me is avoiding that too, when I don't cuddle with her, and that's a bad choice too. These thoughts/feelings are getting better over time though, so I think things will straighten themselves out, hopefully! I'll try to put a good effort to making that happen. Maybe at some point I'll get so fed up I'll just do it, like with quitting PMO.

All sorts of weird dreams have been happening to me the past few weeks. The redhead wasn't even a porn, I don't know who she was. Anyway, my mind has been doing some loopy things lately. I should embrace the unknown, but it scares me. Thanks for the awesome words, Aimee! You're quite cool Smile

Good to hear that!

Congratulations!

Might I suggest that you put your scheduling in writing.
In order to make a habit of things, you must follow your schedule for 31 consecutive days. From waking up, to piano, to showering, to cooking/eating, to putting on clothes. You must be rigid and be strict in following them, you can feel a sense of achievement when you can follow them and you can feel good about yourself.

When you get frustrated (which seems you are) don't beat yourself up. I think most of us addicts are in the cycle of our addictions. explanations there.
check my blog
http://www.reuniting.info/content/porn-andor-masturbation-relation-anxiety

With regards to your girlfriend, ask yourself DO I LOVE HER?
And do you know the answer if you ask her DO YOU LOVE ME? -
If both answers are YES, might as well open up to her about you wanting to go Karezza, I feel that she is a bit distant to you because she can feel that there is something you are not telling her.
HONESTY is the best Policy, and it is very much applicable to RELATIONSHIPS!

THINK POSITIVE
STAY POSITIVE
COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS

I think I wrote blogs about OPTIMISM and being Grateful,
might help you.

CONGRATULATIONS
THANK YOU FOR YOUR STORY
YOU CAN DO IT

(Just reading the three statements, makes you feel good already, right?)
Stay positive my friend, and you will go a long way
Congratulations again

These are great words

Really cool post. I appreciate it. I think my girlfriend's distance is my own doing. I will try to stick more to a schedule. It's a real overhaul because it is completely contrary to my nature. I'm totally hooked on the lethargy, the way I was hooked on the porn. So I understand it may be painful. But maybe this discipline will be tough at first like porn withdrawal, but it will do the job. And if I'm on schedule, I'll make time to cuddle. She always is the one inviting me, and I'm rejecting. And we love each other, so this is good. I'm positive she wants my cuddling. She always is telling me how much she misses me, even though we live together. I have always had a reticence to women though, I think due to lack of confidence. I have always gotten really anxious, especially around the vagina, I don't know why. I have just gotten nervous. It scares me, though I love it. That has been a large reason for questioning my sexuality. But I really would like to overcome my fear, because I get really turned on with women, and sometimes with her. Maybe it's just guilt of being sexual. I know, it really sounds like I'm gay. I don't know either.

I will try to count my blessings and stay positive through this. I love her, and I'm scared of losing her. So I guess I will do my best to go through this. Love is the ultimate motivator, I think.

Congratulations!

Very great to hear what you want.

Most of Us is that we have no idea what we really want in life. At least you already know that she loves you and you love her. That itself is a big leap. Yep, confidence is opposite of anxious. Why do you feel you lack confidence? That is because you are anxious. Of what? Have you asked yourself that? Our anxieties are deep rooted because of our past experiences. But these past experiences, we tend to dwell on the negative impacts, each experience in our lives is double edged. Positive and negative effects. That is why counting one's blessing is the key, because with counting blessings, you are able to see the good side. You are right that it was you who made the distance, and that however she is trying to bridge it, you are the one who is avoiding it. She loves you because she feels you, even without you saying that there is something wrong, but your negative energy is releasing it, and she feels that.

Try counting why you are so blessed with her. What are her qualities that made you fall in love with her in the first place. From the simple smile, or her face, or her hair. Just by seeing her good side, will make you fall in love with her even more.

I know just by doing so, your bond will be stronger.

Again I say congratulations, and you and your girlfriend will make it.

Stay positive
Count your blessings
Show love!