Day 29 - stressing

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Craving gay porn/sex. I hate this feeling, because I really didn't do gay porn until the days before I quit (though I did escalate to many men per scene because I was starting to "realize" I'm gay). I would love for this wave of anxiety to pass and to be with my girlfriend. I'm starting to believe that we're not meant to be together. It sucks. I'm sure these are all thoughts and part of the reboot, but it's bugging me out. And I hate the fact that my girl's genitals are spiking me, while fantasizing about man's aren't. Anyway, I may update later today, but I'm not doing well at this moment.


Cravings are

Just your brain screaming for its dopamine shot. Don't listen to it and keep strong my friend. One more day and you'll achieve a full month. It's AWESOME.


Geez, I'm just so upset today. I went shopping with my girlfriend and all I find are flaws. Yeah, she may not match up to the girls on the street. But damn, I fucking love her and I'm attracted to her at home. Other, hotter girls, can be pornographic at home, and I don't even know how comfortable I'd feel with them. I feel like I have someone special here at home, and when we go out, I need the hot stuff. I think it's me seeking the dopamine rush with the hottest one, but though they're hot, I just want my girlfriend. But then I can't even smile near her outside, and I'm miserable, stuck, and in hell. Or I'm simply in denial. But I'm really upset about this, and I'm wondering if I'm trying to give this reboot more credit for restoring my life than it really can do. I mean, if facts are facts, then this reboot doesn't really matter anyway Sad

Just keep going

better to give it some more time than to have to start over. Spikes are going to happen for a while. They seem to be more related to stress than to underlying nature.

No analysis for now. Just bonding behaviors. Choose her favorite non-erotic touch and take turns (you can tell her your favorite non-erotic touch too).

And, yes, close trusted companionship is way better for your health and happiness than swapping "hot" partners. A brain that has been trained to constant novelty simply takes a while to un-train. Meanwhile, pay it no mind.

Thanks, Marnia

Those are incredible words. I will do those bonding behaviors with her. I think the worst part of this reboot is the anxiety. I'm just hoping for it to fall away. It's so hard.

And thanks for the great words, ATL.


That your brain likes the "forbidden", it's the same for me, when i'm out with my wife i find myself looking more at other girls... Because I shouldn't look at them I find them more attractive and can't stop looking at them :)

That makes a lot of sense

Why couldn't things be easier and we would just be happy with our one woman with no problems? On a bright note, my dreams were more positive last night and not as obsessive, more leaning towards loving a woman. Hopefully, that woman will be my girlfriend. Thanks to all of your rather relaxing comments.



I was a bit on a shock when you got really stressed about it!
I forgot if it was you or someone else, I said to COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS! Instead, I noticed you counted on LACK!
Don't Compare. Be happy with your Girlfriend. Refocus yourself on the good things about her. Don't freak out if you are thinking penises or any porno. Instead, take a deep breath, remind yourself that you love your girlfriend. Her eyes, her lips, her face, her humor, her smile. Whatever it is you love about her, count them. Remind yourself. If you resist the thoughts of penises and porno stuff, it will wait for you to get weak and it will strike crazy on your brain, so stay positive! Appreciate your girlfriend, her nice clothes. Better, also be grateful for the food, water, clothes, shelter. Everything!
Be grateful and be positive!

You can do it!
Smile smile smile - even if you look silly - then you will laugh, and it will already feel light
Start your day with a smile, say I love you to your girlfriend
Hug her and enjoy the moment
You can do it!

Stay happy
Stay positive!

Thanks, Aimee

OCD is a nightmare. When you start noticing the positive things about the girl, OCD mind will instantly question and say you're lying. So reassurance doesn't work. It does the opposite. It entangles you further in negativity. I think the best approach is to let the thoughts of penises/pornos/gay sex happen, even if I'm responding positively to them. I'm becoming more accepting of me possibly being gay. There's nothing wrong with it. I'll let life take me where it should. Though ideally, I'd love to be with my girlfriend. We'll see what happens Smile

Good luck!


I apologize if what I suggested happen to worsen your situation. But I want to make it work for you, so here is a bit more of how it is done, and to stay away from the negative vibes.

I was supposed to quote something I commented on someone else's post, however, I think that person deleted it, oh well thanks to her, I can rack my brains out to tell the same thing to you as I did to her, and with the same meaning, and more ideas can pop right out of my brain cells!

We addicts, may it be gambling, alcohol, or on our case OCDs and PMOs and whatever existed that DENIAL is the first defense mechanism! In your case, you already deny the fact that your gf is hot! We addicts tend to have either two or more personalities, fighting out to be dominant. Why I say so? It is because we have our what I call a CONSCIOUS self and the UNCONSCIOUS SELF. When you say CONSCIOUS self it is your real self, the one who knows what he wants, that he wants to Recover, the one who wants to be better, the one who loves his girlfriend, and the UNCONSCIOUS SELF that is the OCD addict, the one that is dependent on OCDs to feel good, the one that think he is GAY. Even just reading your comment, I can already see that both of your personalities are vying for their dominance.

When you observe how you think/feel about a person or yourself, you are able to see how contrasting the two personalities you have. Your conscious self wants to RECOVER, but since your UNCONSCIOUS Self wants to dominate you that is why it is trying its best to doubt your conscious self.
Take for example, you feel appreciative of your girlfriend you say to yourself
I love my girlfriend because she is kind, funny, caring, she has a nice smile, etc etc etc
I bet that you haven't finished the whole thing, a part of you is telling, she is fat, nagger, etc etc etc
and with that, you get confused of yourself - (Am I making a clear picture?)
That is your Conscious and Unconscious self battling it out for supremacy of the real YOU!
Don't be carried away by the negativities, which seems to be happening to you, but rather, be carried away to the positivities. It will always be your choice!

Through CONSCIOUS EFFORT. In our CONSCIOUS EFFORT, we deliberately think what we want to think, feel, that is why I am saying to you to THINK POSITIVE. Deliberately count your blessings, deliberately thank God for it (whatever your religion is), deliberately appreciate only the positive. And by doing so, you will feel positive, you will feel happier, and you will feel confidence.

Our addiction is a cycle, as explained on my story here

Well, so far that's what my brains has, and I hope I am making sense.

Be happy
Stay positive
Stay in Love!
You can do it!

Thanks Aimee

You're a very kind person. I can see that. At this moment, I'm rolling with the thoughts, because this is the easiest way for me to deal with it. I'm going on with my life the best I can. Read my post from today and you'll see what I mean. That when the thoughts happen, the truth becomes clearer. My biggest fear is that the truth will be a lie. That's the whole OCD thing, I think. I don't want to add more fuel to the fire by convincing myself, because OCD just uses it against me. I'm basically waiving my mind's Miranda Rights. Then OCD bombs you with it in mind court. But I do hope to achieve the same result you hope for me. That I can love my girlfriend. My post from today talks about that. I don't want to respond too much, because OCD mind is telling me I don't know what I'm saying or how to respond to anything or anyone, but that's really where I'm coming from now. Sorry if I'm not clear enough. Sad

Miranda Rights!

That is the biggest battle ever! And you have to stay strong.
I have been there I tell you, and it is so so depressing, it took me months to really see how I can make positivity work! I will post something about ANXIETY,aside from the past blog, I will focus on the topic, how it works and how our brains are wired to that!.
You can do it, if your OCD thing is popping up every second(which really happens during battle royale of consciousness) Tell your OCD to practice MIRANDA RIGHTS! Or better yet, recite the Declaration of Independence!

You can do it!
Stay happy
Stay positive

Would you say you get a

frisson of arousal when you think "gay" thoughts? It sure sounds that way. You know that during withdrawal your brain is looking for those "frissons" any way it can get them...because they correlate with those dramatic neurochemcals it is craving right now.

When you choose to believe they mean something, it's kind of like a drunk thinking his intoxication means something important about who he is.

You are not your frissons. We don't know what you are yet...but you are not simply your thoughts. "You" exist in a centered space that you haven't inhabited in years. It's time to find that space, even if it takes a while longer.

Right on!

Our addiction buys its time on our weakest moments and strike hard while the iron is hot!
Stay strong
Stay positive
You can do it!

I think the important thing

I think the important thing is, know that you don't need to come to a conclusion right this moment about anything. About your sexuality, about loving your girlfriend, whatever. You don't need any answers right now. So, just go with whatever you're feeling, acknowledge what it is, and live your life.

One of the best things for me in this past month+ of rebooting has been to be busy. Work, activities, projects, friends, whatever. Get out there and be in the world, and get out of your brain. That has worked well for me thus far.

I know the feeling though, you just want to sit in your room alone and try to THINK everything out. Well that never works. Live life and let things come to you.

Hope you're doing well.


You can't trust yourself right now.

The fact that you're conflicted about the gay thoughts and all is a sign.
Like Marnia said, the real you exists in a place where you haven't been in a while.
The reaaally coool thing I've discovered is that our DNA always finds a way to re-assert itself despite
social or other kind of conditioning.

I'm on a day 18 right now and I've decided I can't really trust my brain or my feelings. On a good day,
even those can be deceived.

So, just hang in there and just breathe...
And touch your beloved's hands and just hug and lie down together. And just breathe...
Don't think. Just breathe.

I love all of you

I guess the conflicting thoughts are bringing out one side or another. I will just try to leave it alone, though I'm so tempted to ask, "you don't mean it's bringing out my gay side, do you?" But I won't ask (again).

@truelovekiss - great statement about the DNA reasserting itself

My mom was just saying to me today that it's screwy how I'm not attracted to my girlfriend, but I'm going for every other woman and on a smaller level some men in my mind. Especially since she says my girlfriend is attractive. She mentioned how I wasn't even attracted to women two weeks ago, and now I seriously am. And she thinks my brain will rebalance to my girlfriend and things will stabilize. And that the only girl that will mean something to me will be her. I find her attractive in some moments, so those moments can be viewed as the reality and the rest as a mind-distortion, just how it was with me not being attracted to women. Today, I broke down in front of my mom and started crying about possibly not having this relationship. My girl means a lot. Seeing my parents married for 35 years and still seriously in love has taught me the value of a relationship, and I hope to do the same in my turn with her. So, I will relax, take deep breaths, and ride this baby out. There's no turning back.

You can do that and I love you too!

I now got a perfect and clearer example!

Have you seen The Lord of the Rings? There's this character named Gollum was it? He was so obsessed with his precious, but there are times that a good side of him shows up?
That is how our brain works. One side is the side of WHO WE REALLY ARE and the other side is the side of OUR OBSESSIONS/ADDICTIONS. As we can see, what we really want, and who we really our, our other self is beating us up because we aren't giving attention to our addictions and obsessions. We immediately hold onto that beating up and here goes our negative thoughts. Incessant negative thoughts running wild and uncontrolled. But one way or another when all has abated, our Good self shows up.

That is what happened to Gollum. He himself is fighting against himself. But most of the time he loses to his obsession to precious. But then, there was a time that he also protected Frodo.

So let's just embrace our Real selves and not be carried away with our obsessions. One way or another there are times it will come out. But the DECISION to be swayed or to stand firm lies in US.

We can do it!
You can do it!

If I may add something...

Every post I make is a learning experience for me as well.
I like the story of gollum. It's one of those magic movie moments.

One thing I can say about you is you have a very strong intellect/energy. I'm not being new age.
You are most likely more intelligent than average/very creative etc and that's why I think your brain-gone-amok is not a good feeling.
I made a post a while back titled 'Power is nothing without control'. All the energy inside of you without the proper control can result in 'your mind playing tricks on you'.

Don't trust those thoughts you have now. Before you go to bed at night, empty your mind as much as you can and fill it with only good thoughts. Those snapshots of your life where you're really happy? Just those ones.. Just be thankful for the gift of life, stop for a while every now and then to look at the sunset, smell the air, and enjoy all the other wonderful things around us...