Day 34 - ...

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I'm weirded out a little. I know, give it time, you think too much. I wish I could help my thoughts and the feelings that go with it. It's pretty brutal. I was on my way to teach a new student and I was hoping he'd be cute and handsome. Then I got to the door and he totally wasn't and I was disappointed. After, I was fantasizing about fucking him with no anxiety. This is just not funny anymore and annoying. I think God is punishing me for something. After though, his uncle walks in the room and I had no anxiety, which was nice, but who knows what my sexual orientation is anymore. I hate repeating myself so much on this blog, but for the sake of journalism and dramatic effect, the moment these spikes go away and I regain attraction to my woman (if that really even happens), it will be a big cause for celebration. I will throw the entire Reuniting community a big pizza party!

My mood is better though, a little, though I have no real natural attraction and affection towards my girlfriend again, though I do see she's cute as a button and I was a total idiot for how I viewed her before. I'm sure bonding will change my attraction. I'm getting used to all these moods though, and it might be easier to deal with since my mood is better. I was having porn cravings earlier today. It's really tempting. This tells me my brain is rebalancing. I hope that every time I turn down a porn craving in favor of anything else, I will take down the bonds that I created in the past.

Comments

hey man

You was there to support me when i wrote i was frustrated, so here I am for You.

All I have to say is HOCD really twist your perceptions. Imagining something doesn't mean you want to do it. Being worried because you have no anxiety while imagining yourself having gay sex is called "backdoor spike"
You got used to the thought of gay sex and it can't bring you anxiety anymore so you think that the absence of anxiety means you want/are accepting to be gay. But it is an HOCD trick... nothing more.

Can you wait another 60 days before asking yourself who you are? For now you know exactly who you want to be. Keep going and make it real!

Yes totally

I understand Rome wasn't built in a day. I'm not even so worried anymore. I know one way or another things will be ok. I think I did a pretty serious rewiring job on my brain. Here's an interesting insight:

Unlike most of you porn users, I didn't use specifically gay porn. But I wired myself to orgasm with actual gay experiences when I was 16. So when I touch my girlfriend, I think of that experience. So I have to be careful as I unwire from the orgasms not to get too excited while touching her or the memories of that come back, causing me to spike. I'm sure I'm not gay because all I cared about before the gay stuff was girls, chicks, and babes. And when I saw men in porn, I was like "ewww", which might have been a little of a neurotic avoidance, but it was clear who gave me the pleasure, and it was women. Unfortunately, it was women more in my fantasy than in reality. So I'm sure I just have to give it time. Either way, I think I should be alright.

Muscician,

Muscician,

There are plenty of mentions about "experimental history" in article about HOCD by the experts including Penzel, Phillipson, Herschfeld, etc. Plenty of people have experiences that are outside of their sexual identity, and it doesn't mean anything. And very few people are completely gay or straight anyway. Most of us lie somewhere in between.

I never went the gay porn route, but I had a not-so-straight experience myself once in college. So be it. Of course, your HOCD will really latch on to that and punish you with it, as it appears yours is doing. I don't even know if you "wired" yourself to those experiences, so much as your HOCD likes to bring them to the surface to spike you. Who knows, just saying that is a possibility.

As you said, you'll be alright. No worries.

Take care, and keep going.

- ATL

I believe you

I'm going to keep going, because HOCD is changing its story all the time. Right now, I'm into guys with feminine features. But more and more, I'm remembering what it was like to love women. The real joyful crushes, the painful moments (which were also joyful), and what my mind told me it would be like to truly have a woman. I have her now. I would like to reconnect with her. But this memory alone coming back is just beautiful, almost makes me cry Smile . Very motivating.

Yes, maybe the whole being not-completely-straight thing could be true. I remember my first fit of anxiety about this boy when I was 12 or so, but then I thought of something sexual with him and it freaked me out. With girls it felt beautiful. HOCD is an anxiety thing, and I think it may have something to do with the arousal. I have always dealt with anxiety, my whole life. I think that upon rebooting, things will be ok, I will be less anxious, and I will be more in a position to live a more full life. I have also been meditating daily for 4 years and have been doing retreats and stuff. So, I hope I will have a way to deal with my life better and to keep improving on that.

Thanks for your comment as always, ATL. I really like having a good support group on Reuniting, especially those who are going through the same thing.

Cheers,
Musician