Day 36 no PMO

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Less anxiety. I cuddled with my girlfriend for the first time with her pants off and with mine on. I guess I'm taking it really slow, but I think I really messed myself up. I'm being careful because I have had really nasty experiences after getting too involved and then feeling ripples for a few days after. Those 10 minutes aren't worth the few days after. But last night, I made sure just to cuddle with her and maybe give her a little manual stimulation and I reacted nicely. Not perfect, but ok. I did see my neighbor shirtless today and I wanted him, but I kind of laughed it off because he's a bit of a mental patient and his clothes were ripped and it looks like he hadn't showered for weeks. It's just the softness of his belly I wanted. It's really funny, because my rational mind and orientation hasn't returned. I'm turned on by these weird things, and not by what's really beautiful, like ladies. On the other hand, I never really allowed myself to be turned on by men and was extremely grossed out by them, and now that I'm more relaxed I'm allowing myself to go there. But, I do hope this is just a product of my HOCD and rebooting, and that not only will my sexual orientation return, but I'll be relaxed around men too, while not being turned on by them. We'll see.

The HOCD has definitely lessened. The anxiety has gone down. I wonder sometimes, why I'm not attracted to my girlfriend, but it's bizarre: there are moments I am, and there are moments I'm not, and it's pretty much random. It's a product of my mind. I'm hoping with rebooting, exercising, meditating, and keeping myself busy and more organized I'll regain balance, and my clarity, reason, and passion will fully come back.

Last night, in my dreams I was masturbating. I was dreaming that something was off, and that I was doing something wrong. In my dream, I realized, "oh, I'm masturbating! really hard! Screw it though, this feels so good." I woke up, it was simply an erection cuddling with my girlfriend, and I knocked it off before I relapsed, but it was so nice to be connected with her. I think the sex has been missing for us. I need her naked body on mine, so we can feel the love between each other. And I hope that I'm getting there. I just need to balance it all and not go too far overboard, so I don't relapse and feel bad afterwards.

Comments

I know!

I was at the store today flirting with girls (this reboot works wonders on your libido) and I come home and start having issues with my girlfriend's looks again because they didn't match the novelty of those girls. That and I saw one girl I wasn't so attracted to at the store and immediately thought of my girlfriend, immediately ruining the arousal high I had.

The good news: I love women, though in person I lost the libido, but when I got to the car I wanted to masturbate to them. Story of my life - no arousal (interest?) in person, so I masturbated and kept the thoughts to myself. I wish they taught me how nice it is to pick up girls when I was a kid and that there's no reason to be ashamed of who I am. Also, good news is sometimes I am attracted to my girlfriend, like I'd expect myself to be.

Bad news: hate the moments when I'm not attracted to her or have no desire for her. I want almost every other girl but her. But, sometimes she gives me everything I want and I back away. Ok, what I really want is to reboot, get out of this loser masturbation mentality, and get back to being the horny lover boy to my girlfriend that I am. That would be the best!

Also, we started practicing a little Karezza. It was interesting. I don't know how it will affect me in terms of ripples in the coming days, but it was pretty relaxing. I'm not used to women. Only in my fantasy. But it was nice. I just wish there was a little more love for her on my part. I'm sad about this. I love her when I'm away from her, but in person I feel like I'm missing something. I hope this will get better.

Consider Reading This

The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. It is a helpful book (well for me it is my opinion). I think if you learn to concentrate on you and the life you live right at the exact moment it will help focus your mind. Way to go with the cuddling it really does mean a lot to a woman to feel compassion between a mans arms. I also have those thoughts about women and have acted on them in the past, but it wasn't fulfilling without a man. I believe that when you reconnect with yourself then you will be able to reconnect fully with your girlfriend and always remember to remain very present and aware in the moments you have with your girlfriend. One day at a time.

Megan,

Megan,

You had HOCD thoughts but you are now free from them? People with HOCD very rarely act on their thoughts, although they fear that they will.

In case you don't know what HOCD is, you should educate yourself a little on it before commenting.

I am appalled

I never said I had HOCD. No I sure don't know what it is just figured I might have some SUGGESTIONS on mind work and learning to be within yourself. I at least didn't make an ugly comment to you like the ATL person. Why do you even post if you don't want some advice or opinions as to what someone might think would help. I did not comment with the intention to offend you at all just wanted to give a suggestion.

Although

I feel that you were quite rude I went and did some research and I now know what HOCD is. I still think that Eckhart Tolle's The Power of Now would be a good read for you. I don't know if you know this, but your mind is very powerful and your thoughts when they are negative to you that book can help you change that. I mean as soon as you get that HOCD thoughts going in your head go smell a flower and sit within yourself no thoughts just the feeling. This will be my last post to you, but I truly do believe this could help. Again I am not trying to offend you. Have a nice life.

Megan, are you mad at me?

I don't understand. I haven't even replied to you yet. Actually, I was going to thank you for your suggestion. I have heard of this book. It seems powerful and it seems to affect lots of people in a positive way. I have been meditating and studying Buddhism for about four years now, and I see how it can benefit a person's life. I believe the book you mention also has a positive affect on people like that. So I'm appreciative to you Smile

I'm completely confused here.

I'm completely confused here. I didn't mean to upset anyone.

Megan, I was just confused by your comment:

"I also have those thoughts about women and have acted on them in the past, but it wasn't fulfilling without a man."

And I suggested that before you comment on Musician's HOCD thoughts, which is what I thought you were commenting on there, you might want to look HOCD up to see what it is. I mean that suggestion in sincerity, not to be mean.

My apologies for any confusion here. No hard feelings on my part.