Less anxiety. I cuddled with my girlfriend for the first time with her pants off and with mine on. I guess I'm taking it really slow, but I think I really messed myself up. I'm being careful because I have had really nasty experiences after getting too involved and then feeling ripples for a few days after. Those 10 minutes aren't worth the few days after. But last night, I made sure just to cuddle with her and maybe give her a little manual stimulation and I reacted nicely. Not perfect, but ok. I did see my neighbor shirtless today and I wanted him, but I kind of laughed it off because he's a bit of a mental patient and his clothes were ripped and it looks like he hadn't showered for weeks. It's just the softness of his belly I wanted. It's really funny, because my rational mind and orientation hasn't returned. I'm turned on by these weird things, and not by what's really beautiful, like ladies. On the other hand, I never really allowed myself to be turned on by men and was extremely grossed out by them, and now that I'm more relaxed I'm allowing myself to go there. But, I do hope this is just a product of my HOCD and rebooting, and that not only will my sexual orientation return, but I'll be relaxed around men too, while not being turned on by them. We'll see.
The HOCD has definitely lessened. The anxiety has gone down. I wonder sometimes, why I'm not attracted to my girlfriend, but it's bizarre: there are moments I am, and there are moments I'm not, and it's pretty much random. It's a product of my mind. I'm hoping with rebooting, exercising, meditating, and keeping myself busy and more organized I'll regain balance, and my clarity, reason, and passion will fully come back.
Last night, in my dreams I was masturbating. I was dreaming that something was off, and that I was doing something wrong. In my dream, I realized, "oh, I'm masturbating! really hard! Screw it though, this feels so good." I woke up, it was simply an erection cuddling with my girlfriend, and I knocked it off before I relapsed, but it was so nice to be connected with her. I think the sex has been missing for us. I need her naked body on mine, so we can feel the love between each other. And I hope that I'm getting there. I just need to balance it all and not go too far overboard, so I don't relapse and feel bad afterwards.