Day 39 done

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Submitted by Musician on
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I'm really suffering.

On the bright side, the gay stuff really seems to be fading away and restoring back to normal. On the bad side, I had something horrible happen to me today:

A couple of days ago, I had an unwanted orgasm with my girlfriend, and then I practiced truly innocent karezza last night. It wasn't intense, nothing. Today, I got such a craving - there was a pubescent girl I saw, and after I saw her, I couldn't stop, and within a few seconds I had pretty much the biggest orgasm I could remember. It was freaking hideous. I tried to control it, but it was horrible.

I'm really sad now, and I have real cravings. I know not to watch porn, and I'm not going to, but I'm going through hell for a number of reasons.

I don't even know if this pubescent stuff is my body just craving dopamine or what. When I was 16, I had an experience (nothing illegal, no worries), and that pubescent stuff gave me the biggest rush of my life, and it has been on and off for my whole life since. I'm 28 now. I feel like since the gay stuff went away, the dopamine stuff came back. But before that, I was into real women, for sure, and I still am, but that pubescent stuff gives me like a cocaine high. This is what scares me - that it won't go away, and my cravings for it will be immense. I've tried to kick those fantasies before, but to no avail. They always keep coming back. Today, they came back with a vengeance.

On the bright side, I feel like my porn stuff/gay stuff has died away, and with each relapse, I keep getting better. But I feel like I'm at a critical point. I don't know what's going to happen next. I'm scared and depressed. And my girlfriend doesn't even know if she'll be with me when my lease expires. That would be such a painful lesson. I'm also sad now. I want this to end!

I've done well by getting off Facebook and mostly the internet. No pics, no stories/testing online. Today, it all came back, and what the hell? - with the libido returning, it was for a little girl and not for a woman! I'm so pissed. I want this to end. I'm suffering today. Please tell me I might get my old tastes back, and my freaking life. I hope. I'm scared I won't be able to control my sexual urges and masturbate - and I don't mean to. I just get so horny.

Also, why does gentle karezza make both of us so horny? We don't do it everyday, and it's gentle. Might it also be the fact that I'm rebooting? I thought it would provide sexual satiety. I'm confused and scared.

I wasn't even going to write until day 45, but I couldn't resist - I feel pretty bad today. Sorry to complain so much - I needed to write this out somewhere. I feel like I'm holding everything in - sexuality and emotions.


Chalk it up

Another orgasm with the girlfriend. I'm really in the crapper now. Chasers, chasers, chasers. Porn fantasy. I think the above mentioned is porn-fantasy too, though thankfully not porn. I don't know how I'm gonna make it out of this.

Just keep paddling

You'll be fine. You have to learn to handle rough water without catastrophizing about the future.

And keep trusting the process. Just steer for what you want...eventually you'll get there.

*big hug*