Day 52/2

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Talking to my mom about how the relationship got messed up. How the porn escalated when I realized that physically my girl wasn't what I wanted, even, I think, compared to other girls. My mom believes in us, and she wants me to see a therapist. But unlike other relationship problems, I don't believe a therapist can save a relationship where the man's not attracted to the woman, no matter what the chemistry was before and the friendship that existed. I'm so much happier away from her, and no desire to look at porn. I'd love to instead go out with the guys and meet women. But I do have a girlfriend who loves me with all her soul. So this is such a shitty situation. And my parents really think this is the porn talking and that we will work it out like we've worked out other things. But I think, and they know I think this, that the porn escalated because I didn't want her so much physically - it was more like out of a brother-sister love between us. With sex, of course. So I think the relationship escalated the porn, and with another girl who I'd be happy to be with, I'd be really happy though maybe not in such a friendly relationship, but I'd go to bed to do karezza and be really happy. Though I'd hate to lose my girlfriend when she'd have to leave the country to go back home. I hope for this relationship to work, but I have no faith. My parents do, but I think the fundamental thing is that I'm not attracted to her, hence the porn on the side from the start. And I always had a bad feeling about the lack of attraction from the start. With other girls, I didn't have this feeling. So I think this may be the root of the porn problem getting out of control. If I actually liked her, I wouldn't have such a need. I'm really beginning to believe that. But my parents still want me to see a therapist. So I don't know.



Right now, you are doing the opposite of what you need to do, which is chill.

Seriously. Stop the analysis and give your brain a chance to get centered.

Go play the piano.

*big hug*

My mom says

It's a little too late to play the piano. And she says to respond to you, "I need to go home and be with my girlfriend. It's 10:45 and I have work tomorrow." So after the reboot, I guess the relationship may have a chance to survive, with her patience? And yes, I will chill and play the piano all day tomorrow, after football.