Day 58 - Sorry to complain

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Today has been possibly the worst day in this entire reboot. I could not stop thinking about gay fantasies. Fantasies of boys, and how sweet the sex would be. It was horrible. I couldn't take it. It wouldn't stop. I was crying all day. Getting close to guys (not even on purpose, but just by some "attraction" - big guys, practically openly flirting with them). This was the breakthrough I was afraid was going to happen. I don't know my orientation, and I don't care. But I'm just so sad, scared, and upset by all this. And then my girlfriend tried to calm me down with karezza, and I felt nothing. Just these fantasies. I don't want this!

Please tell me rebooters go through this weird phase. I can think straight, literally and figuratively. I was craving lesbian porn like in my younger days. But I always had this fear, that when I would think of something gay (which wasn't even often, I think) that I would always watch a straight porn with women and feel better. But without porn, my mind is free to go where it goes. And it's horrible. I hate this! Even the couple of times I invited my younger brother as a teenager (around 13) to M to female porn, I almost felt aroused by his presence, but I didn't look at him because it was intimidating. And he wasn't M'ing, but I did. It was so weird, that it kind of turned me on. I hope it doesn't mean I'm gay, though it seems I might be. And it's horrifying.

I read somewhere that very few people are either gay or straight. That we all fall on a spectrum. I just hope I have my attraction/arousal to women back, and not this. It's breaking my heart. I'll be bi, I don't care. Just not this. And I want to be attracted to and in real physical love with my girlfriend. I think she looks so hot, btw. So temptingly hot. But I feel dead inside. I nearly crashed the car on purpose today because of this, but I realized that I can always accept it if I'm gay and risking my life isn't worth it. But I do feel suicidal because of this, and it breaks my heart. I have not felt suicidal on my reboot.

Sorry to rant. I just needed to vent this.

Comments

I'm someone who is def

I'm someone who is def straight and have never had HOCD, but remember that rebooting isn't linear. I've had bad days in the 50's and 60 day mark too where i get flashbacks and unwanted fantasy. Just do your best to avoid fantasy and keep pushing through

Also,

part of what you have the opportunity to learn now is how to rein in your brain's wild stampedes. This skill is tough to master, but it will serve you well whatever orientation you settle upon.

How are you feeling today? Are you 2 weeks away from your last orgasm yet? (Just curious.)

the secret is NOT to rein in your thoughts

because you can't. So the thing is to let those thoughts have their life. Sit with them. Observe the HOCD thought. Let it soak in. Pay very close attention to it, hold it in your mind. Now become aware of your body, and where do you feel that thought? And then become aware of your breathing while holding that thought.

This gives you distance, it shows you how you are an observer and you are not your thought. The thought comes from the brain's computer, and is just more nonsense. But this technique lets you see that, and it gives the thought its life so it can live its day and then move on when it's ready.

Resisting, testing, ruminating, all happen when you do NOT pay attention to these thoughts, when you try to distract yourself from them, run scared from them, give in to your feelings. The key is to use your mind to pay VERY close attention to the thought, the feelings of it, and let it have its life.

After doing this a few times and making this a habit, you will find the thoughts go away.

These are such diverse responses - HAHA

I don't know what to make of them.

So things are really polarized right now. It's been 8 days since my last orgasm, but it doesn't change that these thoughts/feelings/whatever are there whether I'm on the cycle or not. I'm feeling much more clear some days, and other days I'm in a total fog. I find often that I begin to ADORE my girlfriend, which is what I've always wanted with a woman. I am just plagued by sexual doubt all the time. Like a flickering light. It's horrible. I wish I could just feel good and be in love with my girl, not have doubt, and really feel that sexual attraction to her and to women in general, and not look for this kinky shit with guys. I think it's kinky. I don't think it's coming from my heart's desire. I somehow don't believe that right now. And I hope not. I've always dreamed of that woman. And she's here for me. So I hope things will be ok, I won't be gay. If I'm bi, she says she'll stay with me. I'd be thrilled. I'd love her to.

Is it normal for straight people to have gay fantasies? I just never knew because I killed off whatever thoughts I had with straight/lesbian porn, because I couldn't allow myself to feel gay thoughts - they were quite unpleasant. I just thought I loved women too much. And I think I still do. And without porn, my mind is going places I hate.

well the thing is...

...the orgasms as you know from hanging out here are also part of the issue for you *right now*.

If you are a reader I highly recommend Jeffrey Schwartz You Are Not Your Brain.

I highly recommend

you stop this analysis as best you can (here and on NoFap Wink ). It's part of the OCD "reward seeking." Remember???

Tell us about your piano practice session or whatever else is going on in your life.

If you're like me, the second week after an orgasm is Brain Worm Heaven. Best not to analyze ANYthing during that time. Just wait and see how you feel next week.

*big hug*

It's weird

I'm kind of accepting a previously unacknowledged bisexuality due to porn use and never going there. Even if it's like 90/10 or 80/20 or something. Then it's a part of me. No big deal. So long as I have my love with women. If so, I can go live my life. It's just all weird, when men are exciting and you draw a blank with women sometimes.

Anyway, life goes on, I guess Sad

Thanks for the support.

Have you read

Robert Fisher's "The Knight in Rusty Armour"? It could be interesting, above all the last chapters about fear. Also, it's quite short and told as a kind of fairy tale so it makes for a light reading even though the content is very important. You could also look for videos on Youtube by Eckhart Tolle, he gives very good explanations about the ego-traps.

We all have different ways of coping with this but over-analyzing doesn't help, One exercise I was taught yesterday by my kinesiologist was this: first focus on your mind, what does it tell you? Let it ramble without fear. Then go to your chest, what is the landscape there? What do you feel? And then go to your guts, what are the feelings there? Is there a conflict? Is there something negative? Let it all go and admit everything but remember that your reality is your feelings, what the mind tells you is not real. It is difficult to do because some of us lack the practice and the train of obsessive thoughts comes automatically but once you establish a division between what the mind tells you and your true self the thoughts will get weaker.

Thanks for your courage, Musician

It won't always be this hard.

My guess is that these flare ups are normal for now, and will continue to ease with time. Meanwhile, it's really useful to learn which "channel" to listen to when there's inner conflict. Everyone has to learn this. You're not alone.

*big hug*