Day 72 - At a crossroads

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So, things have begun to be a little different lately. Maybe it's just the spring air.

I don't understand many things.

1) I had serious dopamine rushes to guys, but when I finally touched myself for a second, it felt wrong, and the female fantasy felt right. I stopped immediately, because I didn't want to ruin my reboot. I hope this stops after a while.

2) When I was looking at girls in the supermarket, I had weird thoughts, about which girls would be attractive based on their height (e.g. I wouldn't do it with a tall girl, even if she's really hot), and they didn't make sense. For example, if I'm with a beautiful girl for real, it wouldn't make a difference. My girlfriend is a foot shorter than me, and I love making love to her.

3) I think I have a horniness problem. I got home and made love to my girlfriend today. I came. Accidentally, though she claims it's not an accident. I think it's somewhere in the middle. Definitely not intentional, but me acting on my libido. I tried to use karezza to squash the sexual tension, and I wound up coming.

So, I'm wondering what to do. In 72 days, I've watched no porn, masturbated once, and had probably 4 or 5 orgasms, including two in the last 7 days. Should I continue to practice karezza? Should I let the sex slide, even when I get horny? I am trying to figure out my gameplan for the remaining 18 days, and also, I'm wondering if I should keep it going to 120 days, considering all the setbacks. I understand snuggling is a good gameplan, but I'm still getting horny, and I'm wondering if this will balance out in the coming weeks.

I've had all sorts of urges lately, to look in peoples' windows, to find an "outlet". And when I do it, I do it for a second, and look away because it's pointless. Same with testing. I wind up doing it, but then I instantly stop. I just hope I'm not on a route back to porn. I'd much prefer balance. I feel like I'm 15 years old at times these days, with the resurging libido, but on top of that, with this stupid confusion. I hope it will sort itself out, and I can be happy post-reboot.

Comments

This morning

I had a really vivid sex dream. There were men, women, homosexual people, transsexuals, and what's weird is that I wasn't aroused. Just vivid and pornographic. Maybe I should lay off the sex until at least day 90. I really don't understand what's going on. I just want to go back to normal. I'm scared it won't happen, because right now, my body gets horny, but I don't know if it's connecting the dots between porn and reality. I'm afraid that when I get sexual, it will just go for the next big thing and go back to porn again. Hopefully not. But I don't want to get tired of my girlfriend, and I don't want Karezza to be too arousing, but since I have my libido back it might be. Eesh. That's a lot of anguish Smile

On another note, my girlfriend is coming around to Karezza and enjoying it much more now. I think it's the intimacy of it, for her.

Dreams are meaningless

Those kind of dreams are perfectly normal during rebalancing, which can go on for months. They don't "mean" anything. Really.

Think of them as a kind of mental housecleaning. The fact that you weren't aroused is your brain practicing handling erotica a new way. This is normal too.

Relax. Boredom When you assign them meaning, and get all revved up, you are running an old, unhelpful pattern.

You might find this useful: http://www.addictionsandrecovery.org/post-acute-withdrawal.htm

PS

Don't force sexual performance.

How is your chaser? You seem anxious, judging from this post. That can be a chaser effect. If you're having a severe chaser, then stick with karezza for a bit longer, even if you sometimes go over The Edge.