My day 30 update

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I don't have very much to report. I'm still experiencing brain fog, a lot of anger, dopamine spikes, etc. On the bright side, I've stopped testing on the internet completely for about 15 days. In turn, it's brought my testing away from the internet down to practically nil, or at worst, a couple of minutes a day max.

We've practiced some karezza, which was very good for us at times. I intend to keep going on this path, though it can be risky because of ejaculation - and I'm just learning to navigate the waters here. Part of the risk is trying to stay present and enjoying it, instead of not knowing whether I'm fantasizing about other girls or testing to other gay-related things while doing it, rather than enjoying her company.

On day 25, I accidentally ejaculated while practicing karezza (I'm tender from the reboot and inexperienced in this), and I felt ok for a few days, with no chaser, but then I saw her computer screen and got a crazy flashback on day 27, and I'm still recovering from the effects of it. It was horrible. I want this all to go away. I hope I didn't kill too much of my reboot with this. And I've had no desire for her lately or any other girls, and dopamine spikes to boys, which is really hell. I want my life back.

We've been also practicing non-intercourse snuggling, which might be wise at times. I just thought it would be the right thing to do on day 25, and maybe I was wrong.

I'll give another update in no less than another week, to give myself more space to recover.

Also, can pre-ejaculate make a girl pregnant?

Comments

Non-intercourse

snuggling is always good.

Spikes are spikes and they become less frequent (but not necessarily less intense) with time. Lack of attraction from time to time seems to be normal too. Just the brain running different circuits in its search for jollies. Steer for what you want, and don't worry about what you're feeling just yet.

Not likely to make a girl pregnant. http://www.reuniting.info/node/2403

30 day is excellent.

Also,

I'm deciding to quit Facebook for the month of March, at least. My brain is looking for all outlets to use, and while I'm not looking specifically for anything titillating on Facebook, the compulsions to go to a deeper and probably more unhealthy place are there. So I'm giving it up for a month to help increase my reboot and to prevent relapse back into porn.

There are other things I'm doing which aren't good (like occasionally looking out the window to see if there is a topless lady in the building across), but that may be something I may tackle later, depending if it gets a hold on me and if it doesn't consume me too much. I may even include Google News, if the entertainment/romance stories create a trigger. So far, they haven't, but my brain is starting to go into active porn-searching mode. And I'm getting borderline rageful. I've got some pills to counter that, if need be.

At the moment, here is my banned list:

- no porn (forever)
- no Internet sexual orientation testing of any kind (forever)
- other peoples' recovery stories, of which I even read one briefly today (probably forever)
- Facebook (month of March)

Reboot's a bitch, and my brain's looking to trick me, but these appear to be the most obvious ways I can stay ahead of the curve.

Good insight

An addiction to internet porn is partially an addiction to seeking and searching. Anticipation raises dopamine and gives you that, "Oooooh, I might hit the jackpot" feeling that we (mistakenly) equate with feeling "alive and sexy." It's akin to a gambling addiction...and, in reality, it's about jacking up dopamine with your own actions. Like a person parked at a slot machine.

The more you detach from those kinds of self-controlled "dopamine-drips," the more you can get your jollies directly from life and its unpredictable pleasures.

Glad to hear you stopped testing

Long time lurker first time poster. I have been following your blog and many of your experiences and hocd symptoms match mine. Right now I am watching the oscars and trying not to test to all the celebrities there.

I was motivated to do nofap after my girlfriend and I broke up which was destroyed by ocd and fap.

I found nofap helped ocd alot as did doing new activities ie daily exercise. One thing I don't hear discussed on the forums is medication or therapy. For me, high doses of inositol a supplement that reboots dopamine receptors combined with valerian and NAC reduced my obsessions but it still took all my effort not to give into compulsive checking and porn.

The way you keep working on it despite setbacks and stay with your girlfriend despite all the craziness is an inspiration.
-df