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Submitted by Musician on
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I just spent 5 hours edging and then getting off. Here is what I noticed:

First, my penis being too sensitive, then it took all the effort I could muster to get off. I couldn't deal with the chaser. The thoughts were too intense. And I'm seriously into porn which has nothing to do with what I'm into in reality. The good thing is I can see this more clearly, since my HOCD has been in remission. So I'm not panicking. But I'm worried.

I can't deal with my crazy sexual energy. I couldn't hug or make contact with my girlfriend today because I'm sick, and it cost me dearly. Now I'm sure I'll suffer. Ugh. But I have always spent extra time on the computer when I'm sick, because I can't do much else. And lots of time on porn. And I use porn to deal with my anxiety. Then I have more anxiety. Sadly, it doesn't completely go away without the porn. That's probably what I'm not accepting here in giving it up.

Here is what really worries me. My girlfriend told me today I need to make a choice today between porn and the relationship today. And for me, it's a no-brainer (literally). I choose the porn. Easily. I have no interest in the relationship. Too much anxiety. I just need to make it through those first three weeks. Those are so hard. Porn is the easy way out. I love my girlfriend, I think she's absolutely perfect. I just have no interest in her.

There is so much sex everywhere! I can't stand it! On TV, even in the book on piano pedagogy I'm reading - it had a picture of A GIRL! That's what started the whole thing. A fully dressed girl. Goddamnit! I hope it eases. And that I can keep busy. But I feel if I go out, I'll see a girl and wanna screw. See a picture and I'll want to fap. I'd love to detox. Completely. Get this stuff out of my system. But it feels so good, I don't even want to, in spite of the fact my life is falling apart. Crap.

Logically it makes sense to quit. It's not in my heart yet. I hope I don't have to lose her or something else drastic. Man...

Comments

Is there any chance

Is there any chance of taking a couple of weeks holiday with your girl and going camping or do something completely away from any distractions? It might just give you a chance to slip out of the PMO cycle.

It's worked for me

That's a good tip. When I've got out of town with my girl, the first day or two is kinda tough, the thoughts hit me hard. But then, the skies clear and and things get a lot better. I am not on the internet as much, less stress, just hanging out with her and being somewhere new.

I'd recommend it, even if it's just for the weekend or something. Break out of your routine, get rid of the distractions. Just remember it might be tough at first.

Also, feel good about your HOCD being in remission. That's fantastic.

I'd love to take holiday

But I have to work. I'm just sick, so being idle doesn't really help. Anyway, I decided to wear a rubber band and anytime I have a thought about either porn, porn-grasping in reality ("man, I'd f*ck him/her"), or HOCD, I will gently flick it and bring my mind back. I've been doing it. I think it's much better than porn-fantasy. Personal relationships are way better anyway. And honestly, even though I edged and found the porn really hot or whatever, it's actually quite boring. Really monotonous. The infinite fluidity of relationships is infinitely more interesting. Anxiety provoking, but it's ok. Definitely more important to be on that bandwagon other than p*rn,

Definitely happy about the HOCD. Thanks ATL.

I'm learning much. Will renew effort. One day at a time.

Ugh

Ever thought of a porn blocker?

Why are you on the computer at all? It's like a drug for you. Your frontal cortex isn't yet doing it's job, so you need a good porn or Internet blocking system that will. You can't "wait" until you have the willpower. You have to stop the porn/Internet until your brain regains executive control.

"Sick" isn't an adequate excuse. Make a list of other things to do. Smile