I O'd today, but not even through sex. A pretty much wasted O. I think a big key to recovery though for me is no porn and masturbation. I'd love to get rid of the O's, but I can't get over the hump.
HOCD is better. Some days worse, some days better. I'm probably coping better. I just want to restore my old self. I'm triggered by less things now. Still triggered. The old self does come to light though.
I'm particularly concerned about my relationship. I see my girlfriend more as a relative than as my sex partner. I really think it's the pill. I want to switch to condoms, but after much consideration on her part, she chose the pill. Her concern isn't even so much the pregnancy thing, but the fact that it helps with her moods and will help her with her stage-fright, as she says it has, in spite of my pleadings that hugs and karezza will do the job for her. I know I have to take her decision, but I know when she's on her period and even if she doesn't immediately take the pill on the first day, she's a different person sexually. She wakes up, I'm turned on, and I don't feel like the wasteful use of a boyfriend I otherwise feel like sometimes. I feel like I can do things for her, many many things, I normally would not do for anyone else. But that just doesn't happen normally, though I admit responsibility for that.
Recently, I've gotten into a habit of replacing the porn with checking out a naked girl or two in the windows across from our building. This had led to fights between us, obviously. I find it much less harmful than the porn. I just wish I had my girl's sex life with me. We've tried the cuddling, karezza, etc. It just seems put on, because we just aren't feeling it for each other. I love her, but I think I'm looking for that emotion I can get from another person with porn, replacements, whatever. I have a vow never to watch porn again, and that's fine. I just would like to have my love life back. But if I won't have it with my girl, I will have to just do my best and be committed to her anyway, whether I like it or not. Something good will have to come from being persistent anyway. I hope.
Also, she got those braces. She looks super cute in them.