Week 4 - Day 18

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I O'd today, but not even through sex. A pretty much wasted O. I think a big key to recovery though for me is no porn and masturbation. I'd love to get rid of the O's, but I can't get over the hump.

HOCD is better. Some days worse, some days better. I'm probably coping better. I just want to restore my old self. I'm triggered by less things now. Still triggered. The old self does come to light though.

I'm particularly concerned about my relationship. I see my girlfriend more as a relative than as my sex partner. I really think it's the pill. I want to switch to condoms, but after much consideration on her part, she chose the pill. Her concern isn't even so much the pregnancy thing, but the fact that it helps with her moods and will help her with her stage-fright, as she says it has, in spite of my pleadings that hugs and karezza will do the job for her. I know I have to take her decision, but I know when she's on her period and even if she doesn't immediately take the pill on the first day, she's a different person sexually. She wakes up, I'm turned on, and I don't feel like the wasteful use of a boyfriend I otherwise feel like sometimes. I feel like I can do things for her, many many things, I normally would not do for anyone else. But that just doesn't happen normally, though I admit responsibility for that.

Recently, I've gotten into a habit of replacing the porn with checking out a naked girl or two in the windows across from our building. This had led to fights between us, obviously. I find it much less harmful than the porn. I just wish I had my girl's sex life with me. We've tried the cuddling, karezza, etc. It just seems put on, because we just aren't feeling it for each other. I love her, but I think I'm looking for that emotion I can get from another person with porn, replacements, whatever. I have a vow never to watch porn again, and that's fine. I just would like to have my love life back. But if I won't have it with my girl, I will have to just do my best and be committed to her anyway, whether I like it or not. Something good will have to come from being persistent anyway. I hope.

Also, she got those braces. She looks super cute in them.

Comments

I think it's tough

to see the full potential in bonding behaviors when you're ejaculating so often. I'm not surprised you have moments when you aren't "feeling it."

But it may all work out fine if you keep going without the porn and OCD behaviors (checking, analyzing etc). Dunno. Definitely worth a try.

Glad you like the braces.

Yep

I will try. On the other hand, I do think that this time away from porn and OCD behaviors is helping me find what pieces of the puzzle are working and what isn't. I know orgasm has much to do with it. It's also a drag when I ejaculate at the snap of a finger - and not even during sex Sad so I'm not even going to try to avoid it. I'm just gonna be careful and keep trying, but I won't be too hard on myself. Meanwhile, I'll try to put all the other pieces together, see what's working, and try one thing or another, as well as lack of O. I'm kind of happier anyway. So I can go on with a more positive attitude and shoot for all the things I want to do - relationships, music, lack of orgasm, teaching, etc. Hopefully, with good decisions, good things will continue to come.

HOCD boards?

Glad to hear you're doing well.

Have you stayed off the HOCD boards? Just wondering if that might contribute to the improvement in HOCD.

I'm doing well too, and I haven't been on them myself in awhile (<-- for Marina Lol

ATL

Hey guys

I HAVE stayed off. I even didn't write on Sunday, but today (Monday). So at this moment, seems like that connection is fading.

I had a bit of a funny day (though not so good - but still worth a laugh). I got into a fight with my girl over those binoculars, and she climaxed in front of me on purpose out of spite. I told her it was a bad idea, but she did it. I found the whole thing funny. What's even funnier, is that the binoculars really aren't all that exciting. I'm kinda tired of them, like a boy tired of a new toy after playing with it for a while. I'm more excited about my relationship, and making it work between us. That's the real excitement. Yeah, I get a small kick out of the binoculars. But I made a commitment to stay away from porn, I'm doing it, and I'm happy with my choice. I'll keep plugging away. I think I'll get sick of those things in a week or two. There are very few girls to choose from to look at with them anyway, so I'm already tired of that.

Also, I had a porn stash under my bed for a few years, and I threw it in the dumpster today. True, I haven't looked at the mags since I got involved with my girl, and they were all dusty. But I threw them away with a heavy heart. My fake girls with their fake boobies doing all sorts of wonderful shit. But I got a big kiss from my girl for that, and as sad as it is, it's quite liberating to thrust myself more into this relationship. I've been meaning to do this for a while, and finally I did. Now, I will have to forget about it for a time and focus my priorities more on us.

ATL, I was reading another post of yours recently, and I think the way to quit addiction is to completely give everything away. Get it out of your life. So I'm on my way.

Musician wrote:

[quote=Musician] ATL, I was reading another post of yours recently, and I think the way to quit addiction is to completely give everything away. Get it out of your life. So I'm on my way.[/quote]

I'd agree, and that's the stance I am taking on HOCD. Get it out of my life, and that means staying off the boards. And it means no hours-long online checking binges and sexuality analysis.

Congrats on getting rid of that porn. That's a great thing. And you're sounding very positive about your relationship, too.

Sometimes I marvel at the hole I dug myself in with porn, without even really knowing it. I had no idea it could be addictive or dangerous, and I didn't even notice the addiction, I just figured I had a high libido. Years and years of that stuff until my body basically said "no more" and shut me down. This process of coming back has been pretty interesting.