Weekly Update #1

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I will only be writing here on Sundays, and that's it. That and to update the guys on the OCD forum. If that proves to be too addictive, I will drop the behavior entirely.

I've replaced the computer with my Nook. I'm most of the way done with CPA now, which has been a good replacement for the computer. I have also practiced more consistently. My goal is to re-learn thoroughly a Beethoven Sonata and a Chopin Etude by January 21, so I can finally take a piano lesson with this guy from a major conservatory. I need to do 3 hours a day minimum for that. I've done 1 1/2 hours consistently, and 2 1/2 hours yesterday. I will try to do better.

I've watched TV and sports a lot, but it's much better than the computer. That will have to be cut back to, but I'm taking baby steps now. I've cut back on meditation recently because my thoughts are insane with OCD or questioning or whatever you want to call it. Brainworms. So I've replaced it with cuddling. That's been really crucial. Every time I spike, I ask for a hug from my girlfriend, regardless of orientation, and I feel my amygdala settling down.

I can't say this week has been real clean. But I'm doing my best, and will strive to make it a clean one next week. And if I slip up, I will talk to myself and not throw it completely away. I will understand how difficult this all is.

On Dec 25, I O'd. The next day, WD. Friday I was alone without my girlfriend, so I was looking for strip clubs in my area online, which was my first real computer use all week. I didn't go. Last night I posted on a bisexual forum, which doesn't do anything for me anyway, so I will check the replies and shut the computer down completely for a week, other than to check my mail and write the practice guide. I will strive to do MUCH better this week. My livelihood depends on it.

There are moments where I feel like my old self again. Much better. Even bantering with guys on my street, or enjoying a pretty girl. And horrible, spikey moments. Still lots of them. That's ok. For me, quitting PMO has to be with quitting internet addiction. I think I can count days til I'm blue in the face, but it won't make any difference if my superspeed trigger keeps messing with my brain waves. On this note, I'm checking off, enjoying my Sunday. See you in the evening for replies, and again next Sunday.

Cheers!

Comments

Good luck to you.

Good luck to you.

I haven't found a good reason to go back to the HOCD boards. Too much spike material, too much reassurance seeking, nothing of very much value and an emotional minefield.

On this board, there are solid methods being discussed, an analysis not on the condition/obsession but if what might be causing it, more positive energy. And it just feels a like less addictive and compulsive to me, coming here.

Thanks guys

@Marnia I will be more consistent. I also realize I need to grow up in terms of how I handle relationships, particularly with my live-in prairie vole. The porn prevented me from that growth. So do other compulsive/addictive habits. That I put a priority for stimulation over relationships. That will probably have to change. More of the same - cuddling, practicing, etc., and I must build on that. Since I'm making headway, it's a start.

@ATL Thanks, GL to you too. Yes, I really may have to ultimately stay off those boards. Even for me, I was using this board for reassurance. I'm pretty hooked on this stuff. So, I'm happy about the solid method of karezza and staying off the internet that Marnia suggested. That's really positive energy for me. So, since I managed to turn this board into a compulsion, I will have to dump it. But ATM, I'm happy to update you all with my progress. I almost didn't do that this week because I didn't think I had enough progress to show. But things are good sometimes, so I'm happy to share that Smile

Ok guys, much love. Thanks for your help. Signing off til next Sunday. Happy New Year!