The HOCD definitely came back a little yesterday, but that's because I was hanging out with my male friends. At least I went out and socialized. It started earlier in the day when I played a funeral and there was this model-quality girl, and I felt I could pick her up if I wanted to. Then, in my fantasy - which I shouldn't be doing - I tried thinking of how I could woo her with my playing and I felt nothing. I only felt something for guys. So the HOCD started. I felt I could easily hook up with my adult male student, especially after touching his hand during the piano lesson and kind of liking it. So, it's weird. And my girlfriend herself has found this student to be not attractive. So this is weird.
Anyway, what's most important right now is that though much of the HOCD is gone, I am living with some sort of mental illness, or mental illness remaining from the OCD. Like on every corner, I'm messing up the order of words, like spoonerisms, my mind spaces out and I think I'm on one road and I realize, "holy crap, I'm on a completely different highway", like totally out of the blue. Like I wake up from a dream, but I was totally awake. It's so weird, like I have a tripped wire in my head. And it's happening all the time. For example, I'm hanging out with my buddy and his new girlfriend, and she's talking about what she does for a living, and I start to laugh. I don't know what happened, and it was so embarrassing. Everybody looked at me like I was the biggest jerk, but I didn't mean it like that. I still want to kill myself today. It's like I have psychosis or no decency. But that was like the reaction I had during childhood anyway. That's why I found solace in masturbation. Without it, it's like I'm the real me unleashed, a horrible, brash, disrespectful me. This is why I don't hang out with my friends, because when I do, it's a gamble and a crapshoot, and the odds are against me that people will like me. It's like I trip a wire or something. On my own, I'm probably more normal. After I laughed at my friend's girlfriend, she became so distant and cold to me, and I understand why. She was nice and friendly before. I just was stupid. And I'm pretty sure my friend wasn't pleased either. On top of the fact that I haven't called him in months because of HOCD, and we were close before. So I feel like shit, especially since friends don't come easy and I'm just a bad person like that. I really believe in good people and bad people. And I know that I definitely have a lot more evil in me than good, in spite of how I act or try.
P.S. I know this has nothing to do with karezza or porn addiction anymore, except maybe that masturbation would ease my pain. Sorry to be so self indulgent. And I don't believe in therapy either. I've been doing therapy for over half my life. And I have such a longing, a desire to just look at naked girls online and indulge myself, my brain telling me that I'll feel better. Like a man going for his bottle. It's so painful without it. But I'll try to be strong and to practice piano, cuddle, exercise, and do other stuff instead.
Update (2 hours later or so): I got done meditating for 30 minutes and what was hitting me today was whether I have a social/mental disorder where I can't gauge people in conversation, so I start babbling, being disrespectful, interrupting, not listening, acting out. When I turned from meditating to contemplating "basic goodness", as in our tradition, I realized I couldn't even do it because if I gave into others with being good to them, I'd have to do gay stuff with the gay people, which I think is how my HOCD started in the first place. Thing is, instead of a mental disorder, I think my social disorder, tripped wires, and OCD may have something to do with a defense mechanism against getting hurt, and it seems real. Getting hurt either with gay stuff, getting drunk/high, or anything else. I don't know how much porn recovery will cure me of this, but I don't know how I can help myself get over this. I don't really believe in therapy, and I've been to many therapists over the years. Any suggestions, ideas?
One more update (2 more hours later): Damn, I'm stressed. Social anxiety/ineptitude, fighting with everyone, HOCD, etc. I am dying to relapse. The end.