Musician's blog

Day 35

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Things have been improving, I think. Meditation has been a huge help. I'm noticing a real difference in my relationship. More love. Good stuff.

I am taking a bit of a step back, though that's maybe because I've taken a leap forward, and somehow I'm developing cravings again.

Day 24

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Hi Marnia,

First of all, I think I'm seeing improvements. I'm a little more social due to me being more used to things as they are, and I don't want to watch porn. I'm productive, and I'm keeping busy. Big difference so far from my last reboot. Practicing, teaching, working, etc. I also realize I have social issues and issues with women, but maybe that's just my own emotional stuff I'm dealing with, including embarrassment for having fetish-like arousals to some unpleasant situations. But things are clearing up sexually, which brings me to my next point.

Day 18

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Hi Marnia,

I'm having a rough day. I know those happen. There have been many positives also. Would it be possible to link me to success stories and recoveries/potential timelines for weird tastes switching back to normal? Otherwise, I'm doing ok. Pretty productive, and living life, and definitely no porn. This is just to give me motivation and a little encouragement. Cheerleading, let's say.

Thanks,
M

Day 14

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Wasn't going to post for a little bit, but the nightmares are horrible. Yesterday, dreams of being in a chemical attack. I dismissed it, because I didn't know if it was porn-related. Today, dreams of being the center man in a very-multiple person porn situation, but actually feeling the disgust of the other guys around me. Also, to replace the porn habit last time, I was peeping into other apartments.

Day 13

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Recovering, baby steps. Feeling overall better, porn is so evil because it creates lots of damage. That's my take on things. That when I look at guys and they give me a spike, I notice a similarity between that and my porn-viewing habit. Hence, the evilness of porn. And I don't normally believe in good/evil things, considering I'm a pretty liberal dude. But porn messes you up.

Day 10

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It's tough. Triggers, images, etc. I hope over time it fades. I have noticed significant improvements to start though. I'm more attached to my girlfriend - in a good way. Feel better about girls, period. Noticing the "fetish" quality of men, etc. It's painful to see, but nice to know how it's working.

I had a talk with my girl, and she says how easy it is to relapse, and how crucial it is to be strong and stick this out. I agree. How the easiest times to relapse are when times are good. So, I will keep trucking.

Week 6 - Day 32

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So a few things to talk about:

- The practicing has been about the same as the week before. Better than previously, but needs improvement. I had this habit of stopping my practicing almost compulsively to try and look at the windows in the adjacent apartment building across from us. That interfered with my practicing and my relationship. I have since given up the binoculars and am going to recommit to my relationship.

Week 5 - Day 25

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I'm posting a day late because I didn't want to post yesterday on such a horrible night. I had a terrible HOCD freakout. But it subsided, kind of like a ship in stormy seas. I really had crazy spikes near my brother, with whom I did things as a teenager.

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