Musician's blog

Week 4 - Day 18

Musician's picture
Submitted by Musician on

I O'd today, but not even through sex. A pretty much wasted O. I think a big key to recovery though for me is no porn and masturbation. I'd love to get rid of the O's, but I can't get over the hump.

HOCD is better. Some days worse, some days better. I'm probably coping better. I just want to restore my old self. I'm triggered by less things now. Still triggered. The old self does come to light though.

Week 3 - Day 10

Musician's picture
Submitted by Musician on

Hi, I'm back.

Interesting week. Did a lot of checking online earlier in the week. Kinda realized it was pointless.

I had an O on day 9. Woke up, without touching myself, fantasized about two girls I know. I'll say one thing: I'll take fantasy with real girls any day over spikes or porn. But I did have a massive chaser, resulting in a half-orgasm in the middle of the night. Sleep is dangerous when flirting with sexual things.

Weekly Update #2 - Day 3 no PMO

Musician's picture
Submitted by Musician on

I don't want to write too much, especially as I've already spent way too much time on the internet this week, and things are fresh.

One thing that's really helped: every time I have a thought about HOCD or porn, I take a rubber band on my wrist and gently flick it. When I have a real porn craving or my mind goes off, I flick it harder. I flick it less and less as I train my mind. I'm more present because of it.

I'll have more to say in a week, if I make progress or if time will show me more things about life. I'll check back later tonight.

Cheers.

Ok -

Musician's picture
Submitted by Musician on

I just spent 5 hours edging and then getting off. Here is what I noticed:

First, my penis being too sensitive, then it took all the effort I could muster to get off. I couldn't deal with the chaser. The thoughts were too intense. And I'm seriously into porn which has nothing to do with what I'm into in reality. The good thing is I can see this more clearly, since my HOCD has been in remission. So I'm not panicking. But I'm worried.

Something I Found Beautiful

Musician's picture
Submitted by Musician on

I played a funeral gig today where an elderly husband was burying his wife, and he inserted into the funeral program a poem by Khalil Gibran called "The Prophet". Since I'm lying here in bed sick today (as well as practically everybody else it seems here in this area - and I rarely get sick), I'll take a moment to post this. Some of you may or may not have come across this (I haven't before), but I wanted to share this with you anyway:

MIdweek note - real ups, some downs

Musician's picture
Submitted by Musician on

I know I said I wouldn't post midweek. I will check again Sunday. I need to get this off my chest.

Porn reboot is hard. But it's totally worth it. In every way. I'm really beginning to see this. What all the rebooters are talking about. What is necessary for me is to quit my internet addiction. That has been the most crucial step. I'm finally beginning to see it. All because I am getting rid of the internet, this super-speed triggering behavior, though I might actually be on it also to chase my present relapse away.

Day 1 - total relapse

Musician's picture
Submitted by Musician on

Saw girls, escalated to old stuff again. Then I saw guys and it really got me aroused and disgusted at the same time. But in the end, girls. Ultimately, this sucks. And I did it in completely humiliating fashion. I guess I was looking for a kink rather than living a wholesome life. What a mess. I humiliated myself and my girlfriend so badly. She's pissed that I did this, especially after beautiful love with candles. I can't seem to get this together. Ugh. Don't know how I'll get past all this.

Pages