Musician's blog

Day 66 - to find a balance?

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Maybe this orgasm had some value? It was a reminder of how much I liked girls, in porn at least. But at least it gave me a security as to what my sexuality likely is. So it kind of makes me happy. The downside is that I'm a little more lethargic and sloppy. Before the O, I was really sharp - actually, so sharp I couldn't get anything done, because my analysis flew me up into the sky. But I would think that in practicing, I would be more lazy and less apt to work. That actually is what screwed me up in college.

Day 65 - Over the edge

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Hmmm... what an unusual day.

We woke up practicing karezza after being out last night. We did it for hours and we went too far. She pushed me, but I gave in. While we were doing it, there were just moments of pure emptiness. All our thoughts stopped. For her and for me. She was crying, actually. I kept pre-cumming, like 4 or 5 times, so I just let her have her first orgasm since probably August (she used to have them on the reg with me), and I had one too. She was in even further tears.

Day 62 no PMO - meditation retreat

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It was a weird retreat for me. I couldn't even sit or focus. I told my instructor about all the gay/straight stuff, and she said I should take a break from the Buddhist path for a while until I can sort out my anxiety. She said orientation is not important, what's important is sorting out the anxiety. She will recommend a therapist. My family is pro-her advice.

Day 58 - Sorry to complain

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Today has been possibly the worst day in this entire reboot. I could not stop thinking about gay fantasies. Fantasies of boys, and how sweet the sex would be. It was horrible. I couldn't take it. It wouldn't stop. I was crying all day. Getting close to guys (not even on purpose, but just by some "attraction" - big guys, practically openly flirting with them). This was the breakthrough I was afraid was going to happen. I don't know my orientation, and I don't care. But I'm just so sad, scared, and upset by all this.

Day 55 - Not too much new

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Still HOCD. Was more social earlier in the day. That energy ran out I think, for now. Wish I was more attracted to my girl. Still have no urge to even see her. Truly heartbreaking. Will practice and go watch a boxing match with my buddies tonight. Maybe watching those guys beat each other's brains in will bring the alpha out in me (though I honestly think it's the most un-alpha behavior in many ways - and alpha in others).

Day 54 - A bad day

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Maybe it's because it's the third day after my wet dream and my dopamine levels have taken a dive. It's so annoying. Lots of HOCD/ROCD/anxiety. I would think it's because of that. The day before the WD was the only day I was doing better. All the days before that were horrible. The 2 days after the WD were good too. Now this. I'm positive it's HOCD, in spite of what my brain says. But more importantly, I hope my dopamine levels return soon and I can begin to be happy again. And hopefully straight and loving my girlfriend.

Day 53 - Doing better, so far

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A LOT of positives to report, including my girlfriend just mentioning I'm smiling more, and it's making her happy.

God, this gorgeous stranger girl walking on the street looked at me with such a smile. Like in the movies. Can't believe that happened to me. There was HOCD with that, but thinking back on it really is great. What's going on?

Day 51 - Slight setback/progress noted

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Had a wet dream last night. Feel lethargic and somewhat negative. Like OCD is around the corner in a few days.

I have learned though, that I have raised some degree of positive energy in the past weeks through cuddling and karezza. Yesterday was a great day, but I guess it came down a little. Sure, there is anxiety and negativity lurking in the background, even on days like yesterday. But I had lots of good, active energy, and a nicer sound at the piano.

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