Since my last report three days ago, I'm noticing slight improvements. I still have some pretty major anxiety about sexuality or whatever. But I don't feel so incapacitated. It's not like a crazy mental illness at the moment, which is nice. We practiced karezza last night, and it was beautiful. I'm really falling in love with it, and at times I find her so pretty and beautiful, when I don't have brain worms. She begins to remind me of those girls you see when you go skiing or hiking in the summer - not made-up or whatever, but just healthy.
I'm feeling really down today. I feel these urges for guys, and I just want to talk about it. I love my girlfriend, and I've always loved women. Deep down inside, I always felt if I gave into my urges for guys, I'd love it. Though I'm disgusted by it half the time. Maybe I'm bi. And that would be ok, so long as I can have my relationship. Maybe it's my reptilian brain going for the next big stimulation.
Saw my therapist today. According to our discussion, it really seems like withdrawal. He thinks my arousal to the feminine quality of men is due to me wanting porn, but it's the femininity that I love, one way or another. I couldn't even answer all his questions about childhood and stuff. I just sat there shaking like a leaf half the session. And I have no focus on anything, including just counting his money. Anyway, I'm going to go practice piano now. Maybe it will help me regain focus. At least raise my dopamine levels.
Today is terrible HOCD. Reading about people who had similar experiences as me, and then they realized they were gay. I feel like it's happening to me. Just very sad about everything. Want to die. Idk. Seeing the therapist tomorrow. I feel like I'm in full-blown denial, and I'm just not going to suppress being gay much longer.
Just do. HOCD is a cockmonkey. I have little joy from touching my girlfriend. Taught a couple of good piano lessons today, but have little motivation otherwise. At least I got to the piano for the first time in a week for 8 minutes. Plan to practice more today. I meditated too for the first time. But these are not achievements. Achievements will be when I actually am working and becoming a productive member of society. Yes, I know, have compassion for myself. True. But I'm really depressed and unhappy. Maybe it's withdrawal.
Severe HOCD. Shaking for a couple of hours. Horrible. Thoughts like I had when I was a kid, "I'd grab that guy's ass, suck his d*ck, hahaha". No arousal. Then, the brain worms would wake up. Horrifying. I think it happens when I get out of my comfort zone, such as practicing karezza. We practiced beautiful karezza last night, and I had weird dreams with gay people, but ultimately checking out hot babes together, which was somewhat relieving.
I'm in some weird state of mind. On one hand, I miss PMO. On the other, if I even go to fantasy-land, I feel even worse and just weird. I don't like it. I'm irritated by my GF's appearance, and I'm just not in the mood for anything. I just want to roll over and die, though I'm very much awake, in spite of the fact that I got little sleep. Half the time, I want to cuddle with her, the other half I hate her and hate her face. Isn't that awful? And I think I've been doing everything or most things right, like practicing gentle karezza, and not even everyday.
I feel like I want to be motivated, but I'm just not right now. Like I'm just lethargic, though a little happier. I do want to take today off because it is the Friday after Thanksgiving. But I don't know if I'm ready to deal with the stress of tomorrow - getting back to practicing piano and stuff. I have to just muster the courage, but I just have never been able to deal with that stressful life. I hope quitting PMO makes it easier, but I think it's really hard to do, even without it.
I'm starting my day on 1 1/2 hours sleep. I couldn't sleep all night. Also was bad the night before, but this is getting really crazy. Maybe it's all the pent up sexual energy. We practiced very light karezza, barely stimulating, very gentle last night. Was calming and relaxing, but I can't even get an erection so it wasn't intense at all. So I don't know what's going on with my sleep. I guess it's time for my day now. Will meditate for 30 minutes now, maybe it will calm my mind.
Today ties my reboot record. Most of the day I've felt very stable. When my mind goes sexual, the brain worms begin. I find my girl unattractive and all sorts of BS. Also, in reflection, I realize how much of a struggle this has been mentally. How many brain worms there are. Easier days like today make this more apparent.