Had a pretty bad internet relapse yesterday, no porn, of course. A little facebook browsing too, but I'm quitting all of that again. I think my negative thinking got me back here. I'm gonna do the 15 minute email/reuniting limits, twice a day, and going on for work-related things.
I think the cause of a lot of this, of course, is the porn, which was great to quit, but last night might sum up why I think the relationship might not work. This would suck, because as a girl she's perfect, but it's the way I view her, or may/may not be attracted to her in the way that's good for us. I tried to put on a happy face about this for the 2 1/2 years we've been together, but last night was the sort of "honest moment":
The gay stuff is virtually gone, probably because I'm just not letting myself go there. But I'm starting to find myself very horny for girls, especially when I'm home alone. It's sometimes hard to focus, but I'm actually getting things done. Also, I'm 5 days away from tying my personal reboot best. It's been much easier this time, especially without browsing. Except my porn mind is focusing on how "hot" some of the CNN anchorwomen are (one I am actually totally into).
I woke up feeling emotionally raw. I noticed it when I was meditating. Like I wasn't so on edge, but a little sad. Not depressed. Just sad. I slept for 10 hours, and the weird thing is I was testing in my sleep. I think I'm finding comfort in the gay thing, and it's so weird. I never expected it. I always thought I'd be into women my whole life.
but not bad. We had a wonderful date this afternoon at a concert with some of the great musicians of our day from the front row. The violinist in the chamber group is her teacher. The pianist was an inspiration to me.
I hung out with my Ford model friend today. We sat down for coffee at a cafe next to this girl. He's single, I'm not. I talked to her with such confidence. He let the cat out of the bag early that I was in a relationship, not that it mattered one way or another. But after, he was seriously impressed with my game/how I talked to her. He said I could have EASILY gotten her number. Interesting, she was the one girl I didn't find terribly cute in the cafe, but while talking to her I thought she was really cute. It's all in the mind. Same with my girlfriend, I'm sure.
Back and forth between good and bad days. Today was awful. My fantasies tell me how much I'm into women. Always have. But I don't really want to fantasize so I avoid it. Unfortunately, the reality tells me I'm into men. I was at the bank opening a joint account with my girlfriend today (big step!), and this very good looking banker was there and my whole reward circuitry went off! I tried keeping calm, and I only told my girlfriend afterwards how much it was spiking me, but it felt so good in the moment. After, I couldn't care for him or any other men.
Practiced 3 1/2 hours today. This no internet thing is very good for me. It's allowing me to live my life and connect with my girlfriend. I realize how detached from reality I have been. I have been absent in all aspects - musically, financially, socially, etc. I watch quite a bit of TV, but it's a huge upgrade over the internet. The lack of browsing is very good for me. But the TV will have to go sooner or later too.
It's nice cutting back significantly on the internet. I can see that TV is also a negative influence, but what's better about it is that there's no edging quality to it. You have much less control over what exactly you're watching, and commercials are nice because you can take a break. It's still draining of positive energy, and replacing it with more negative energy. But immediately, already, I'm feeling more alert, active, and more present. It's also bringing up emotional issues.
Starting in the morning. Will only use it twice a day for 15 minutes to check e-mail, facebook messages/alerts, and my reuniting posts. I have a problem, and I don't get anything done. I must start to do things, so I will get rid of the internet and replace it with other activities. This will be really really hard, and there might be really bad withdrawal, but I need to do this. This is a 10 day experiment.