It's been four days since I last posted, but I'll just write a quick story:
My HOCD has been in pretty much complete remission now for 3 days. That's good. Don't know how long it may last, but it's nice.
We have done bonding/cuddling, probably pushing it too far sometimes, but stopping immediately when we realized (at this point, just feeling up outside of the clothes). I do blame my g/f in part, because she's very horny. But we're ok, and I should know where my limits are. So I'm making sure not to fire up the old brain. That sexual balance can get pretty out of hand much faster than expected. So I'm keeping vigilant about that.
The Miss and I took a foliage-based trip away from city-life, and it was beautiful. A few notes:
I'm feeling more alive. This retreat was the most amazing thing to happen to me in months
First, I'd like to say how nice it was just to hold my girlfriend's hand at night. The touch of a woman is something that can't be argued with. There is nothing better. End of story. Do not try to convince me otherwise!!! (just kidding)
Ok, that was amazing! I am stunned at how this retreat cut through my OCD like Chuck Norris cuts through a knife with butter. It was so nice. First of all, I don't care about my girlfriend's teeth anymore. Makes no difference. Beautiful. The only thing I'm still fixating on - and don't laugh - that her breasts are too big for her little frame. Anyway, I think with healing things should be ok. But I now know I can't be gay after how I felt about the girls in the retreat, and that the guys I was looking at were just making me nervous, which could be confused for that.
Here's something I realized after sitting with the breath and a powerful new practice for a lot of hours:
I don't know if the meditation cleared up my mind or screwed with it. I feel such a pull towards men. The attraction to women is gone. And that's what I sensed when I self-diagnosed myself with HOCD. I really want to just hook up with a man and discover myself. I was touching them lightly today and they were touching me, and I feel so much more natural touching them than women. Women were my go-to fantasy when I was scared of men. But without the porn, I feel like men are the real thing for me. I'm not even angry.
HOCD was hell yesterday, until my girlfriend's girlfriend came over. First, I noticed that my girlfriend is quite hot. Second, her flaw still bothers me, but it really is not a big deal. Doesn't make her any less hot. Just irritates me for some reason.
We have addicted brains. I'm seeing that. I was driving today, and I saw a picture of a hot celeb sprawled all over the back of a truck. I thought she looked like my g/f, started comparing her, then got into HOCD soon enough. My brain is craving browsing. It's quite amazing. Good to know these things.