What a lousy day. I lost a piano student. My life isn't together. At all. My girlfriend is fed up with me. 2 1/2 years of me talking about change, and even though I quit the porn, it means nothing because I'm disorganized, disinterested, and disconnected. She doesn't believe me, and frankly, I don't see my life happening for me. No matter what I say or what changes I try to make, I'm hopeless. My spirits can be high, but the results are the same. Frankly, I don't give a shit anymore.
I got drunk at my grandma's birthday and according to my girlfriend, rightly, was eyeing and chatting up these two 13 year old girls. What's weird, is when I imagined getting with them, I felt as numb as I did with my girlfriend. And of course, my g/f was pissed. And of course, it's creepy as hell. Geez, what am I stooping to? But I am looking for sex everywhere but with her. I'm a mess. And it's like I have no attraction to her. The old ladies at my grandma's bday were commenting that my girl is very pretty.
My worst OCD yet! Ever. I swore it would never ever happen! My mind is telling me I'm rooting for the Yankees. I have Yankee-fan-OCD! OMG, I'll never root for the Mets again. My life is over! Somebody, please tell me I'm still a Mets fan! Can someone really turn from a born and bred Queens native Mets fan for his entire 27 years into that! A YANKEE FAN!!! Is this God's punishment for moving to New Jersey? Please, someone answer me and tell me that I'll be alright, though I know I shouldn't be asking for reassurance. I'd rather turn gay or have ROCD than be a Yankee fan!
I am beginning to learn much about myself right now, especially as I relapse. I can see how finally, the mistakes I make are producing more clarity than when I wasn't making them.
As I get my libido back, I can see a lot of lousy things. First of all, I have been practically porn-free for almost 4 months. And M free other than accidentally finishing with my g/f. O's and edging hasn't been that good. Definitely lots of O in the first month and a half, 4 full times in over two months, and lots of edging as I've experimented with slow sex.
No HOCD anymore. Feels nice. Nice day today. ROCD present. Finding flaws in my girlfriend, though one of the flaws has tuned nice. I'm blaming it on the fact that I had an completely insane, very accidental orgasm 2 days ago, though I've complained about this flaw forever. Anyway, I'm sure it's all in my head. Otherwise, I'm feeling fine. Definitely not as hungover. This is good news.
Had a sunnier day today. Something snapped, and things became more positive and proactive, aside from the fact that I woke up at 2:30 in the afternoon. Unfortunately, I was touching my girl and I came in my sweatpants, while wearing underwear. I guess my sensitivity was so great that it just happened. Weird. Not a bad thing, but I'm scared of the orgasm cycle.
OCD acting up today. Yesterday, g/f was hot. Today, I can't see her. I need models and I cringe at her.
I am reminded of how porn fucked us up with this story:
The HOCD definitely came back a little yesterday, but that's because I was hanging out with my male friends. At least I went out and socialized. It started earlier in the day when I played a funeral and there was this model-quality girl, and I felt I could pick her up if I wanted to. Then, in my fantasy - which I shouldn't be doing - I tried thinking of how I could woo her with my playing and I felt nothing. I only felt something for guys. So the HOCD started.
I made a promise to myself that if my HOCD went away, I would start posting on a specific HOCD website giving my success story and tips for how to overcome porn addiction, if it does apply to those people. I had never posted there before. I can say that I am doing that now!
OCD'ing, I guess. Picking on my girlfriend. My girl's breasts aren't firm enough to my liking. Or as perky - not even close, at her age of 25. So I need another girl and I don't love her anymore. I can't cuddle with this girl. I feel like my attitude is all wrong. I know, the ripples will sort out. But I'm just unhappy. At least my HOCD is at bay. But now this...