I have decided, I need to make a change. My life is very much out of balance. I'm giving up sex until December 1. I will use that time to get my sleep in order, bond with my girlfriend, and to structure my time productively. Practice a minimum of 3 1/2 hours a day, do meditation, exercise, and live life. Also, I would like my PE to subside, and to have a healthy, strong libido, and soul connection with my girlfriend.
Spent lots of time cuddling and karezza with my beautiful girlfriend. I went out with my buddy last night for a 2 AM burger at a nice restaurant. He's married, and he was saying how maybe he could do better. I told him about karezza and he was interested. That the orgasm cycle could really mess you up, and he agreed with me. It was a cool conversation. There were many beautiful drunk women in town, but he made a point of how disgusting they were, whereas all I see are legs and tits.
Talking to my mom about how the relationship got messed up. How the porn escalated when I realized that physically my girl wasn't what I wanted, even, I think, compared to other girls. My mom believes in us, and she wants me to see a therapist. But unlike other relationship problems, I don't believe a therapist can save a relationship where the man's not attracted to the woman, no matter what the chemistry was before and the friendship that existed. I'm so much happier away from her, and no desire to look at porn. I'd love to instead go out with the guys and meet women.
Stupid day. I am feeling so negative. I know, it's not good for me. Still, I don't know how to handle this.
We were practicing karezza this morning - or my excuse for edging. I began to cum, but it was more like edging. I didn't really cum though.
And I relapsed. O with my girlfriend. The worst thing, is that I was at the store and I found myself attracted to a girl I found not attractive last week. Which was nice. But then I got home and I was repulsed by her smile (she really needs braces, but I'll get them for her - is this way too vain of me?) And yet I made love to her karezza style and got off. She was warning me the whole time that I will cum, and I knew it, but I wanted to do it again holding back because karezza worked last night. Well, now I FUCKED MYSELF OVER! SHIT! I don't even know what to do anymore.
Feeling a little sick. Might blog more later. I'm just a little bothered today. I always would M to women on purpose, because everytime I had the thought or feeling as a little kid (like 10) that I might be into boys, I always needed to negate that nasty or uncomfortable feeling, and to feel good about my heterosexuality. Needless to say, that cost me my genuine perception of sexuality. Almost 50 days into my reboot, I'm feeling that again. Yesterday, I had the urge to look at women and I wound up seeing a couple of topless women on the computer by accident. I wound up spiking.
Polarizing day. Best of both worlds.
- Felt more authentic. I felt normal and assertive when talking to the parents of a new student, which I got today. Actually, got two new students. This is good.
- Girl and I are getting on much better.
Girls look beautiful, but not feeling it in touching them. I get spurts of good emotion. When it's bad, it's as bad as my best moments were a few weeks ago. So, I'm making progress. I see how bad my habits have become due to this addiction. I was teaching, and I was convinced I gave copies of a piece to my student, but she didn't have them so for a few minutes there was nothing I could teach her. It was so embarrassing that I screwed up like that. I got out of it, but it made me see how my depression and OCD screwed up my life with inattentiveness and absent-mindedness.
Mood is like a controlled manic. Kind of irritable.
I went to my girlfriend's concert performance today. Spikes today. It was so weird, at the concert, I found her beautiful at first, then when she played I didn't, and now at home I can't look at her without finding her irresistible, especially since she put her hair down. Jeez, I'm a mess.