Having good sex, but not seeing much progress, needing advice

Submitted by mwa on
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I have been having good sex, often multiple times in a night, but not seeing much progress with my erections. I am very rarely at over 70% and usually have to do a fairly soft entry before I get hard enough to have sex.

I notice that if I feel the slightest bit of pressure, such as when she is ready to go and instigates sex, or we want to do something different like go at it in the car, I'm lifeless down there. Also mornings are more of a problem than evenings.

I'm at about 105 days with one recent PMO episode last week. Do you think that one slip could have caused some of this? This week I feel like it's been worse than usual.

Is there something that you would suggest I do? Stop having sex to O for a while? No sex at all? I'm interested in Karezza but when I tried it I just stayed limp. I don't think we are ready for it yet.

Honestly I thought it had been more time than it actually has, but it's frustrating to still be struggling. I've been with this girl for about 6 weeks. In the past any ed issues have been long gone by now.

Any advice is much appreciated.

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sex without O maybe

you say you tried Karezza...all you have to do is get that penis in her vagina, even if it's soft. And then let things take their course. And don't let yourself get to the point of no return. I think this is very helpful actually. Here's why.

First, with soft entry and NO orgasm intentions, you have no pressure on. You stick the penis in, have some fun together, and at some point you pull out. No pressure!

You can stay inside for a long time this way, even hours. And your penis will go soft and go hard and who cares. The sensations are incredible.

See, this is a whole new way of living. It leads you to trust your body and to STAY in your body rather than dwell in your mind, in the land of "my penis should be harder...how hard is it now? And what about now?" That is no fun and this is HUGE fun.

You may want to explain to your girl that you're not going to come for awhile. She will be very surprised. And not believe you maybe. But try it for 3 weeks and see how things go.

Thanks Emerson, I was hoping

Thanks Emerson, I was hoping you would comment. In my gut this feels like the right answer. She's a good girl, too, and definitely interested in that sort of thing.

I feel like now that we have some time down and had good sex, it's easier to take a different approach.

No pressure, that's perfect.

Recommended reading

Good suggestions from Emerson there. It seems one of the benefits of Karezza is that it helps take the pressure off. Anything that stops you thinking "I should be X, what if y happens" is great. I've found that the less I think and the more I just enjoy sensations regardless of what happens down there, the better I feel.

I recommend reading The New Male Sexuality by Bernie Zilbergeld. It's helped me with similar thoughts. One of the biggest helpers was finding out that sexual problems are so common and almost normal. Most guys have some sort of anxiety about performance, we just don't tell each other! If you're having great sex, who cares if you're soft on entry. You're getting the desired result in the end.

There is a construct about sex and the penis that is unhelpful - that it's "long hard and full of steel" which is nonsense. Porn unfortunately only reinforces this construct and fuels our fears about how we 'should' perform.

I'm still on my own recovery path, but this book has certainly helped. Recommended.

Great recommendation

the Zilbergeld book is quite good. Men have watched so much porn (as have women) that we have objectified ourselves. The Zilbergeld book is refreshing.

If you are interested in Karezza, Tantric Sex for Men by Richardson is really excellent.

Thanks again, that sounds

Thanks again, that sounds like exactly what I need. The other day the new girl and I connected mentally for a while and laughed quite a bit, which let to some amazing sex. I felt relaxed and naturally stayed hard. It makes me feel kind of silly with all this. It's amazing the expectations we put on ourselves.