day 117 all good but relapsed

Submitted by needhops on
Printer-friendly version

everythings been pretty good for my lately. unfortunately, i have been at home alone for a long time, and although i try to get out, i let my bordeom, because ive finished school this year, get the best of me and this led to a relapse today. first time ive ever relapsed sober.

im pretty pissed at myself. i feel fine afterwards, but im annoyed that i slipped up at all. I feel like ive made enourmous amounts of progress, and i dont think a relapse can reset me back to far. i think my recent start of MO led to this relapse. im going to cut out MO again for the foreseeable future. i guess i did have a chaser, although in the past this hadnt been a problem. i really hope bad days don't follow. I kinda felt that super dopamine rush but fortunately, when i used porn, i wasnt watching for that long because i O'ed pretty fast, under a minute ( had 2 tho). when i MO'd i would last 15 mins easy.

i feel recently since ive seen a lot of good improvements that ive easeed up on the whole rebooting thing. I think this is what led to a relapse along with chaser. I really need to get more strict with myself. i have also been MOing to just lube and touch just fine, so i feel like any porn ED i had is gone. I hope this doesnt mess with that...

I start an internship soon and i get to leave my house and go somewehre new hopefully that will keep me occupied enough to stay cleaar. ive been doing my best to keep myself distracted, but its hard when most of my friends arent back from school yet. Anyway, can only look forward for now...


Congrats on day 117 and

Congrats on day 117 and finishing school. Two goals I am still trying to achieve. I have gone months without PMO several times and relapsed more times then I can count with both hands. I consider myself to be a bit of a "relapse master." For me, MO almost always/eventually leads back to porn. It may take weeks or even months but I eventually fall back into the web of porn.

I share your sentiment that it is probably best to steer clear of masturbation all together. And I totally know what you mean when you are "annoyed" that you slipped up. As a poster once said to me during my latest relapse episode, " progress is not binary." In other words, a one day F-Up will not set you back the 117 progress you made. Keep it up bud. I feel weird giving any advice as I am not in much of a position to do so. It should be the other way around Mr.Day-117.

thanks for the replies...

thanks for the replies...

yea i think occasional masturbation is good after a reboot if done the right way, but i feel like i shouldnt have masturbated given the situaion im in has a lot of other triggers.

confine...yea im def not back to day 1...i pretty much fine, just not as good as say 2 days ago. i can think of many reasons for why this is, but im sure that the porn and Oing 3 times, 1 normal 2 to porn, have something to do with it. regardless or ur progress, i appreciate the advice.

the next day

also just wanted to add that today i felt a little anxiety but nothing to bad. I definitely feel the urge to look, but know that its a terrible idea. Its amazing how things slowly led to the PMO. First i was alone so i bought a pack of cigs(used to smoke during PMO but just wanted it cuz i was home alone) then i MO'ed normally. then i smoked pot at a friends, and before I know it i had added to many old triggers in front of me. its so amazing; my brain was literally telling myself, lets just go on the site and see if X is up with new videos, but i wont watch. yea right... u can guess where that led to.

so far I don't feel that bad yet. Ive noticed in the past that when i PMOed,i felt like shit abuot a week later. Idk if this was coincidence or what. I felt it was at the end of my reboot, around day 85 or so and another tiem a few weeks after, that this happend. I hope i felt like shit because i was still leveling out, otherwise im like a ticking time bomb set for 6 days. I didnt look for that long at porn and it ended fast so I hope this wasnt enough to screw me up socially.

All in all, whenever i relapse i get such a serious reminded of how much of an addict i am. when i started rebooting i wasnt sure if i was really an addict, but now its clear. when i was about to PMO yesterday, my hands were shaking and i already had a dopamine release, think the psych experiment with the dogs and the bell. i was conditioned and the old paths were lighting up. feel a small urge today, but i feel/hope the worst is over.

Seeing what you're seeing

makes the experiments all worthwhile.

But you owe it to yourself to take really good care of yourself. You matter. Your addiction will never satisfy, so don't listen to any little voices. Wink

Socialize instead if you can.

*big hug*