so today is day 120 since i got really serious about this reboot. I added the * because unforunately it hasnt been completely porn free. After day 80 or so, i slipped up when i was drunk twice and then 2 days ago PMOed twice due to boredom/being alone/ to many triggers. I kept the counter going because the main thing that i wanted out of this reboot was to lose the panic attack feeling around girls and the minor porn slipups didnt set me back in the long run. getting to day 120 has been bittersweet because I had 5 O's on day 117/118 so i have the depleted feeling. Had my haircut today and really didn't feel like talking to the lady cutting my hair even though I found her sort of attractive. I think the combination of porn, which sorta numbed me out, and the sexual exhaustion made me feel this way.
I think im still sorting out the bad habits i have that resulted from PMO. these all have to do with my social skills. I think when i was so numbed out from PMO, and didnt know why, I would try to find things to say and try to think through my numbness, and this just made me very awkward. i realize i don't need to do any of those things anymore. it would be great to get another long run of no P M or O (aside from sex) to help this. I'm definitely getting better but i think i sort of get in my own head to much. this is by far my worst habit. I've mentioned that ive been trying to be myself more and not think about what i'm going to say. It's tough because it has become such a habit from PMOing. Also when i was a kid i didnt have all these sex hormones running through me so it was easier to relax and be myself. the best way to describe it is it's a 3rd persons perspective of myself. if im watching myself and my actions when i need to just be. Overall I think im heading in the right direction. when i drink it gets better because i just relax, but i don't want to be dependant on substances. I basically know what i want to do and how i want to feel, i think its just gonna take some more time to get there. ive seen flashes of what i want out of myself, so i think, like ybop said, that guys who started with porn really early (12 i think) will see improvements even after the reboot. I actully sort of think that I make things harder on myself.
for people who struggle with anxiety, something ive realized is that fighting the anxiety just makes it worse. Recently, i just decided that attractive girls are going to make me a little nervous when i first meet them. with all the testoserone this is normal i realize. After i just accepted the nervousness, it actully decreased in severity, and i stopped trying so hard to find things to say. still a work in progress, but accepting the inevitable is going in the right direction. who knows, maybe the nervousness will disappear all together one day.
Im making another new mini goal for myself, since ive really eased up on myself, im going to try for another 30 days of no P or M and eliminate as much fantasy as possible.
thanks for the all the support guys