So the add med finally wore of (took 30 hours to do so...prob took to much haha). For those 30 hours I was very paranoid that the progress I felt that I had made was because of the euphoria the med was giving me. I think its safe to say that i happend to kinda snap out of my PMO trance when I was the med. don't get me wrong, in only on day 39 out of the rest of my life so I feel that I still have a long ways to go. I feel that I will never want to masturbate or even watch porn ever again ,which is why I say "the rest of my life". I honestly feel that if I am not watching porn or using a ton of sexual fantasy that masturbation would be boring and not worth it. Therefore, the only thing that I will eventually do out of PMO is the O.
One thing to be weary of. When I had this sudden change in feelings I felt great...so great that the thought of PMO entered my mind. I felt it would give me the ultimate rush. This is obviously so counter productive because it would actully cancel out the great feelings I had. Luckily I could rationalize this, but be careful. I found myself thinking "one time couldnt hurt" but we all know yea it definitely can...
When I said that I snapped out of my PMO trance, I feel that I can say that I am still somewhere in the middle of normaility and the PMO trance. It's great to see progress but its kinda uncomfortable. For example, I still happen to think about sex A LOT. especially when im lying in bed, its just a compulsion. I think from now on, when I wake up i need to just spring out of bed; all of the sexual thoughts that come up when im lying down can't be good for my progress. Also, in my PMO days I felt the need to micromanage my thoughts and think about what I would say. I don't really feel the need to do that now. Things kind of just come to me now. However, the one problem is that ive been micromanaging my thoughts for so long now that its almost second nature. I don't want to analyze everything but I keep catching meself doing it. Anyone else have this problem? will it go away? I think/hope that its just old habit and eventually it will go away. I have a feeling that it is just a product of my preoccupation with sex; feeling the need to "figure out" how to get a girl to wanna have sex with me. I think the urge to connect is coming back but theres also an urge to have sex. the urge to have sex is obviously normal, but I still feel its a little overpowering, which is why i feel i am not completely healed.
It's kinda scary when I think back to the PMO days of micromanaging thoughts. I remember thinking to myself when thinking about talking to a girl, "just be yourself, don't try and think of things to say, go with the flow ect.") However, I feel I was doing these things because I truly did not WANT to talk to the girl. I just realized I NEEDED to in order to try and have sex with her, and that is why micromanaging started. I feel nowadays when im in a group, the urge to talk and connect is coming back.
My energy levels also seem to be up. I was playing soccer the other day. I don't generally play soccer and im not very good. I was plaiyng mid fielder. Generally, when i play a sport I don't really excel in, I kinda go through the motions, and usually just play offense because its more fun. this day however, I felt great, I was playing both offense and defense and was actully getting quite a thrill on defense. I seemed to have this motivation to shut down people on the other team. you guys might not be able to relate this this, but to me it was a definite sign of improvement.
Overall, I do feel great, and life definitely feels "turned on". Some of these positive thoughts/feelings i'm having seem familiar. I think i recognize them from before I started PMOing.