In my last blog I mentioned I was going through the flatline period. I noticed that after some days it came with some other withdrawal symptoms (I assume they are related). I have been experiencing a lot of the flu like symptoms like runny nose, headache and fatigue. I also mentioned that my motivation was great during my last blog. Recently it also feels flat. I pretty much feel like I have been PMOing in that my head feels in a fog and I am always tired. I could pretty much sleep for the entire day if I chose to. My concentration was also not great today in school. However, thankfully there is really no urge to PMO. Not feeling horny at all.
I have been pretty strict on myself regarding what I look/think about. For this reason I don't think that the PMO like fog is from anything else that could have triggered those sensitized pathways. I am able to get fantasy and porn flashbacks out of my head pretty quickly nowadays, and besides for one "relapse" in which I let a fantasy go on for a little to long I feel as if I have not left to much room for error.
In terms of morning wood i feel like they are technically there, however very weak. However, even this tiny erection made all the difference; it was pretty much what started my fantasy. Still I felt very different today and I think that the morning wood correlates. I thought girls looked better today like many people report. Girls who I would typically dismiss weren't looking that bad. Still no Spon erec, although after the fantasy my erection was surprisingly big, kinda shocking/nice.
I also mentioned that my social anxiety is gone in my last blog. I think I was being a little optomistic, maybe because of a good day. It has definitely dwindled, but it still lingers at times. Again, i feel like this might be because I don't feel that unshakable confidence yet. Another thing, I feel like I don't need to be in my head as much as before, but since this PMO addiction has been with my for some time, I feel like it is second nature. This can be very annoying because it probably starts up the anxiety a little. For example, if I saw a girl i wanted to talk to I would want to go up and talk and just go with the flow, but my natural response is to plan things to say. My rational brain knows that conversations are random and good conversation is natural and genuine, which in turn makes it very exciting, but my other "micromanaged brain" still wants to follow a game plan. It's almost like for some reason my brain thinks that I will have no idea what to say; it doesn't have that confidence. I know this is ridiculous because when im relaxed, i always have a good conversation that tends to be fun and lighthearted. Again , im hoping that this will improve with an increase in libido and confidence.
---------added later at night---------
Add giant mood swings. Was feeling really awesome and upbeat. I actully felt a libido surge; and it was not the desire to masturbate, but rather have actual sex and connect with a girl. I really felt great. I went out to get some food and idk what happend but it all seemed to crash fast. My social anxiety seemed to return. My voice felt weak, and I all of a sudden did not want to talk to anyone. I felt awkward walking around, felt like people were staring at me.
back home this sent me into a depressive phase. I suddently felt hopeless. I realized how long i have actully felt this way. I have a a few vague memories of what it was like before I had these problems but I realized how distant they seem. I began to doubt that I would ever recover, or that I am some freak case where my brain won't recover properly. I also started to realize how much I have missed out because of PMOing. I don't have some awesome story/memory/feeling about the first time I kissed a girl like most people do when they are in middle school or high school. My first time came when i was wasted at some concert with a girl who couldn't describe if I tried. I've never had a close intimate relationship with a girl. This is something ive always wanted, even when I was PMOing, but now I suddenly crave it. I realize all that could have been and all that I missed out on. Its sad because I can never go back.
I began to realize that while some of these things are true, a lot of what I felt were irrational thoughts, and that I was going through a withdrawal period and people expressed similar symptoms. This made me feel better, it just sucks that I will be at 5 weeks no PMO tomorrow and I haven't really seen the improvements others had at this time. I know i might take longer to recover because I started after a traumatic event and because I also started at a pretty young age, but it was still a little discouraging. I also realize that these just started less than a week ago, so I should probably prepare myself for more and more to come. after writing this and putting things into perspective I felt a lot better.
I also feel like I might be at somewhat of a midway point. not because of the days (34 out of the generally perscribed 60, although im prepared to do much more) but because even in this depressive mood I did not want to PMO. it's like ive given that up as medication, but my brain still needs healing. Also, to modify another positve that I posted in my first blog, its true that sex is not on my mind 24/7, however, it is hard for me to not think "sex" when talking to a girl. I've read that others have had this problem and it eventually goes away. This might be the thing I look forward to the most because I feel like it causes so much of my anxiety and lack of confidence. When things go slowly, step by step, its not bad. if I want to be with a girl, talking to her first would be nice, getting to know her and then if things develope thats great. But when you just associate sex with a girl, your brain tries to oome up with a way to get some complete stranger to get naked and get into a bed with you. Without the small steps it seems like an insurmountable task. On top of that, it makes me feel like a complete sleaze ball. on a cognitive, rational level, I do not want to have sex with every girl I talk to, its just my brain that automatically makes the connection. This also has nothing to do with libido.