Well hey who would have guess my 1 month of rebooting would land on Friday the 13th?
Anyway last night I was in a bit of a rut but I'm feeling alright now. This shitty weather's been dragging me down a bit. The gray and the heat is just terrible.
I actually took my little sister out with some friends. It was good to get outta the house and be a little social. They could see I wasn't really my self. So they were pretty damn good at picking me back up. We went to some arcade with a bar and got a pitcher and just hung out. When I got home one of my lady friends was a little tipsy so I let her crash at my house. She was a little flirty but despite that I was just really not in the mood for anything sexual at all. I didn't feel like kissing, nothing. So she laid on my bed and we had a little cuddle and we just talked about what was going on in our lives.
I'm usually the kind of person to joke around a lot and I'm pretty extroverted except in my lower moments. I didn't even really want to talk. But I talked anyway. I didn't want to go onto the subject of what was really on my mind because well I don't know my fellow reuniters. I don't want to keep going around in circles.
My sexual drive was just not there at all last night. It was probably because of the fact that I hadn't slept good the night prior (again) and everything just seemed so damn gloomy.
I don't believe in extended depression. Even if there's things that cause misery I don't think one should dwell on them. So I try to put my thoughts elsewhere by staying busy. Porn isn't even a tempting factor these days. To be honest with you guys I don't even think PMO was ever a stress reliever. It was just a routine.
Like "well I'm here alone may as well jerk off."
These days when I'm alone I just listen to music or read a book. The music has pretty much been constantly going. I don't know why I feel so lonely right now even when people are around me. I'm really glad I wasn't alone last night. But I had a strange dream.
I dreamt I was at my ex's house knocking on her door but she wouldn't answer. I couldn't help but think of the symbolism and comparing it to the last 6 months. Constantly waiting outside of her life. Knocking but no one's answering.
And even though in a sense I'm home and I'm with my family. I don't really feel like I'm home right now. I feel like there's something more. Something that I should be doing but I just don't know what it is right now.
So the only new thing to report on the reuniting front is my sex drive is pretty much vanished at the moment. But I'm contributing that to the sad days.