32 days

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Alright, so tis a beautiful sunny day. Feeling a bit better. Despite a recent streak of crappy days I'm pretty much all better now. There's still little twitches of sadness but nothing I can't handle. I tried something new. Since I was sulking over my ex. This might sound a bit strange but it made me feel shit loads better. I created a visual image of myself in my head. The person that was stuck in sadness and gave him advice. I gave all the negative thoughts to him and I pretended to be another version of me outside of myself giving me advice. I think that's what made the positive energy start flowing because I tried to look at it from the outside.

As in if there was a person that went through exactly what I went through I wouldn't feel so bad. I told myself things like "well realistically she isn't the only woman in the world right? And odds are there is someone better for you."

And that's when it became true to me. Because see I did all the right things to get over her but... I didn't necessarily believe them. It's like... I would tell myself there were other people but my heart was convinced there wasn't. But, there is!

There are beautiful women out there. And billions. And to say there isn't at least just one out of all those billions that's good for me is ridiculous. For once though I actually feel like I'm growing up on the relationship front. Because since I've been hanging out with the ladies I'm picking what I want and when an obvious red flag comes up I politely back off.

In recent years I've lost a lot of respect for myself. I've thought and acted selfishly. The guilt contributes to the misery. It's so much more simple than I ever thought it could be. I haven't been focusing on just me. On the things that I like about me. Instead I was just beating myself up and living in the past. I'm not saying I've got it all figured out yet. But I've figured out some things.

A good lover should build you up in your weak moments. Not tear you down. I forgot if I mentioned this or not but during the time that I had the most sever ED I was on an SSRI (I think that's the abbreviation for it) anti depressant called celexa. And during that time I did some research that can also be destructive of the sex drive and erections. So on top of hardcore pmo'ing I was also on meds that killed the sex drive.

When I found out that the meds messed with the sex drive I quit them cold turkey. Which in retrospect was a huge mistake. My anxiety was ridiculous. So let's put this all together...

I was on meds for anxiety and depression, I was pmoing, I couldn't keep an erection, and my ex would freak out and yell at me and give me the silent treatment afterwards. She would literally say things like "well if you can't have sex with me I'm going to find someone who can."

My ego was just devastated. I had never treated someone so cruel and if I had any self respect at the time I would have been the one to leave.

So now that I think about it. I dodged a bullet. And you know what? I don't think she's changed. I don't wish any ill will on her but there's no reason for me to be miserable over someone who made me miserable lol.

Anyway, that's that. I'm putting myself out there. There is actually one girl who is sparking my interest a little bit. We'll see where it goes.



Sorry for your mistreatment.

Never go off of those pschotropic meds suddenly. Your brain needs time to take up the slack.

Glad to hear about that new girl!

Oh it's okay ma'am.

Oh it's okay ma'am.

You know I guess sometimes people are mean because maybe at some point in their life someone was mean to them too.

But I know enough to not let this make me mean to anyone else in the future. And I think I've been beating myself up because I tried my best and couldn't get through to this girl. But now I'm looking at it differently. Because it doesn't mean my best wasn't good. It just wasn't for this woman.

I know I seem angry at her with these posts. But I'm not...

She's human like me, she can make mistakes. Just like I can too. And if she's got something good with this other boy and she's happy it's not my right to mess with that. I'll find happiness... My heart means well even when I mess up.

I always mean well.