So I've lost count of exactly how many days it's been since I looked at porn, but I know that it was on or around November 23 when I last looked at porn. Well, earlier today (July 7) I finally caved in. Life has been stressful lately. Tough new job, been screwing things up lately. I'm kind of involved with a girl, but things between us are not so great (that's a really long story, I don't want to get into it). My closest friends have been busy lately and I haven't been able to vent to them about anything going on.
Hi, so maybe some of you have seen me post here before, though I have not posted lately.
I'm 25 years old and I was hooked on porn from age 18-24. I began the rebalancing process back in October, with several different successions of going without PMO, then binging, etc.
So it's been 160 days without porn, unless you count an unfulfilling, unstimulating relapse about 60 days ago. That being said, I'm at a point now where I am MO'ing perhaps 5-7 times a week, sometimes less. Some weeks are better than others, sometimes I only do it once a week. But in any case, I find myself using fantasy (not porn, just my own imagination) during MO, though I try my best to stray away from that. Over the last few days however, I've become really disgusted with myself, feeling like I am MO'ing because I feel like I'm entitled to do so after 6 months or so of no porn.
Intimacy. Seems so hard to obtain yet it seems to come easily to so many others. I am just tired of this porn addiction and struggle to rebalance getting in the way of me having a deep connection with a woman. I'm 25 years old and have never successfully had sex with someone. Sex has never been pleasurable or enjoyable for me or anyone I've tried to have it with. And no it's not just about the sex but without I'm just a friend.
So yeah I'm hoping that soon I can find someone willing to work with someone like me with a history of porn addiction.
So last night I was talking to a close female friend of mine (totally platonic, for what it's worth), and I told her everything. Told her about the porn addiction, and my rebalancing efforts over the last 6 months.
Barring the exception of an unstimulating relapse 29 days ago (see earlier posts), I have gone 129 days without porn. I've gone 7 days without MO. I feel like I'm doing good, like I could go another week or two without masturbation / orgasm. I feel like I'm kind of in a flatline phase. I see girls, and I see that they're attractive, but I don't get excited about it downstairs. Which is fine. I'm pretty busy anyway.
So I'm about 123 days into no porn (except for a relapse a couple of weeks back that left me completely unsatisfied and unaroused). I am now at a point where I MO about once, twice, and *maybe* three times a week. I still feel like this is too much. I'm trying to go back and try once again for a 30 day no PMO streak (so far I've done a 29 day streak, a 26 day streak, and a 16 day streak), but it's tough.
OK, so a few days ago on Day 100 I gave in to porn. It wasn't intentional - I'd had a really rough day (had my car stolen, among other things), and I was so stressed out I just gave in to the temptation. I quickly went to the old porn clips I used to love...........and it did nothing for me. I TRIED to be aroused by them, and all I did was watch it for a minute or two before being disgusted with myself and the material. I could not achieve an erection to porn.
Day 91 no porn. Last time I MO'd was about 36 hours ago, I suppose. I don't think I'll be MO'ing again for awhile. I just don't have the desire. I've pretty much drilled it into my head that if I masturbate, there will be no fantasy. As a matter of fact, I started to do so the other day, and actually stopped after I started, because I realized that I only wanted to masturbate because a fantasy had popped in my head.
So since I first began this journey in late September / early October, I've gone through three different periods of full abstinence from PMO, with relapse periods thrown in between. The first time I went 16 days without PMO, then I indulged in MO for awhile, before finally looking at porn again after 45 days. All in all, it took 5 weeks for me to get back in the saddle. Then, I went 29 days without PMO, before breaking down and MO'ing for about 3 weeks (but I still stayed away from porn).