Unsure if I'm repressing my GF

Submitted by orangeram on
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My gf gets really really horny and turned on whenever we have sex and that hasn't changed with karezza sex. I've constantly tried my best to get her to relax by breathing into belly, taking longer breaths, synching her breathing with mine. She would typically loose control if she's on top of me or if I'm thrusting at a moderate speed. Almost always I can feel her vagina constantly and unwillingly contracting and squeezing my penis. It would only relax a bit after I get her to breath deeper.

She has agreed to doing karezza sex and does see that it has had an effect on us. Though I wonder whether I am repressing her because I feel like whenever I try to get her to breath, she's "under control " and I'm afraid I"m not allowing her to just let loose.

I also don't completely let loose because if I do - I'll ejaculate and orgasm.

Also, what are your experiences of the pros and cons of including a bit of aggression even if not orgasming ? Things like bites and butt smacks ?

Any thoughts ?

Thanks !

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Isn't it up to her

to decide if she's being repressed or not?

The best way to answer questions about " Is ... okay?" is to stick with what you want to test for a bit, and then try 3 weeks without it. If you like the results, then go with it.

Don’t Be an Orgasm Nazi

I don’t know about repressing your girlfriend but when you say, “I've constantly tried my best to get her to…” you sound more than a little controlling. When you use words like “constantly” and “to get her to” it sounds like you are dealing with a child or subordinate. The point of Karezza is bonding and making love which requires openness and vulnerability between equals. Instead you sound more like the Orgasm Nazi.

My girl and I have a “No Fault Orgasm Policy”. Sometimes orgasms just happen; if one of you wants to have an orgasm, so that’s OK too. Making love isn’t a contest nor can you make someone love you in a particular way. I think if you back off and tell her that “you” would like to practice Karezza and if she does or doesn’t orgasm it’s all cool, she will likely be more responsive to avoiding orgasms.

BTW, everything you are doing with the breathing and stuff is right on, you have done your homework. Now the but, I have found my girlfriend responds differently to some of those techniques than I do. I relax my stomach; this does nothing for her if she tries it. If we stop for a few minutes, I am cooled off and she is just as hot as 5 or 10 minutes before. My point is that the male sexual experience is different than the female sexual experience. At the risk of sounding sexist, women are more governed by their cycle. You may find that your girlfriend is more prone to orgasms at certain times of the month because that is what her body is telling her.

About the biting and spanking, are you talking about s/m or just a little fanny patting? I like tickling my girl—but that has had some bad consequences too!

I think you have a point

I think you have a point there saying that the female sexual experience is different than the male sexual experience. I'll definitely look into understanding the differences a bit better than I do now.

What I didn't like about your comment is that you came to the conclusion of me being an orgasm nazi a bit too quick. I also don't think I'm making her love me a certain way. She has expressed her appreciation for my attempts at calming her down and relaxing her. She does find it beneficial and she said that she's a bit more sensitive from it and feeling more pleasure. She's noticed how her constant moving and shallow breathing put her into an orgasm seeking and inattentive mode.

We have established a "no fault orgasm policy" as well. I sometimes ejaculate by accident - not even a warning - so she has ensured that I'm not hard on myself when that situation occurs. I'm not hand on her either if she looses a bit of control. I'll typically smile at her and she'll understand.

good discussion

Good information.

I'm not at a point where I can introduce the ideas behind Karezza to a woman yet, but it's cool for me to read this because...

I see some of the challenges I will run into implementing this with a woman. It's not such a smooth road I see, things can get alittle rocky and confusing but if both partners are determined things can work.

It's funny for me because - I've been conditioned like most people to feel the pressure to get into sexual aerobics and be a performer and it's fascinating to see people's challenges even transitioning to and implementing it.

I see it's not always super easy. Both partners need to have patience and a mature mind to do this.

I look forward to sharing my challenges here and solving them too.

I don't know if it would be helpful

but if your partner is willing to try the Exchanges in the back of Cupid, it can be a way to stop the performance expectations...at least for 3 weeks. By then, you should be communicating well enough talk about the subject honestly. She might appreciate being excused from performance demands too.