"I´m gonna quit! For real this time. No more of this bullshit. I´ve had enough, I´m better than this!"
How many times have I uttered those words and sentences to myself?
If you wanna know my backstory, read up on my previous posts here:
I feel like I need to start up a blog and be consistent with reporting about my reboot and recovery. Its been almost 3 years since I first decided to quit. Ive learned so much about myself and about addiction, but still I´m not free. I feel much better in general than I did a couple of years ago. Less anxiety, no panic attacks
The first two months of 2012 have been quite a failure. Been under a lot of stress from a massive workload, and my social life has been almost non-existent. The fact that its been a dark, cold and windy winter where I live has just made things worse. I felt like I wanted to isolate myself from everything and everyone. Strange, because growing up in an even colder city surrounded by mountains, I used to love winter. Skiing, snowboarding, just taking walks on frozen lakes, everything like that. Now I hate winter.
The longest I´ve managed to hold up from PMO this year is 14 days. This week I´ve been on a binge from sunday-thursday as I´ve been at home all week with the flu. Today, friday, I´m sobering up i guess. The strange thing is that I havent even felt horny, so to speak, to look at porn. It has just been a need. This kinda scares me, because I think my brain has become numb to what Ive been watching the last years, and now wants even more extreme stuff. When I look back I can see how much this addiction has escalated. Damn, I used to be turned on by just seeing a nice bum in a thong. Were there any hotter on earth than two girls just making out. These are just two of the many thing that doesnt even affect me a bit anymore. I havent felt any need to look up the most extreme (legal) things I know exist just a few clicks away, but who knows where my brain will be in five more years? A few years ago I couldnt imagine that trans porn, ws, domination and other fetish stuff could do it for me. Damn, if it wasnt for porn I would never even have known that these things exist, less getting turned on by them.
Today I feel empty, so empty inside. I´m usually a creative person with a lotta ideas, but now its vanished. And in some way it feels like I dont even care anymore. Of course, at the core of my beeing I care more than everything, but it seems like there´s a big thick wall that I´m unable to climb over or break through. But I have to, if I want to live the kind of life Im longing for. If I want to be who Im supposed to be.
It feels like I could write a novel here today, so many things I need to get out of me. Later on I´m gonna write down some of the effects Ive seen from my addiction and the harm it causes me in different areas of my life. See you in a couple of hours!