So as I mentioned earlier today, this is another day 1 for me. I have lost track over how many days thats been day 1 these last years.
I took a long walk outside, still pretty cold but sunny. I tend to think better when I walk (or maybe its just beeing away from the computer and internet). I thought a lot about how this addiction to porn has been harming and crippling me in so many ways.
Ive always surrounded myself with friends and family. Always outgoing and adventurous. Playing in a band. Playing in a team. Travelling. Getting attention from girls etc etc. Just a driven and openminded person in general. Now I dont feel like socializing at all. Sometimes not picking up the phone when friends are calling (even tough Ive been gettin a lot less calls lately). Sometimes I wanna lock myself up in my apartment, eat junkfood, be depressed, watch tv and porn and not talk to anyone. Sometimes i feel so miserable that I wanna break up with my girlfriend just to make it easy for the both of us. And while Im at it, why not just quit my job also. After like 10 days of abstinence, all the feelings are vanished and I feel a connection to the world again.
Anyone in the mood for some running or weightlifting after a binge? It simply doesnt happen. We deplete ourselves of energy and motivation. Eating junkfood, snacks and candy on the other hand, is something this addiction gives us motivation to do. I used to be fit, not a single gram of fat on my body. Lets just say its not like that anymore.
Sometimes I feel like Im losing it. That Im seriously gonna end up in a mental facility. Im afraid of escalating even more than I already have. Im afraid Im totally gonna lose control over this. What if I wake up one day and just cant help myself from buying sex from a prostitute (something Ive never done)? Even worse things?
Then of course, we have mister Depression Regrets. Bringing me down, down, down. Regretting everything is the worse, cuz thats something I cant change. I can actively choose my path for the future, thats up to me. But wasting more than 15 years on total crap that gave me absolutely nothing back is hard to swallow sometimes.
The last year having trouble getting it hard without me "helping". No morning wood. Less actual sexual attraction towards real girls. Less sex with my girlfriend and when we have sex Im too often cumming too fast, probably because I wank myself to the brink of release just to get hard enough. And last, morphing sexual tastes. Not turned on by the female body like I used to be. Instead Im turned on by things I didnt use to get turned on by.
I graduated from a good university with quite good grades, but I feel like I could have done more with my time as a student. Better work and more social activities. Even tough I have to say I was WAY more social back then. Nowadays its affecting my work, as I have a hard time concentrating the days after a relapse.
Ive become a whining little boy. Complaining and feeling sorry for myself. My girlfriend has hinted that Im not enough of a man for her. She wants someone who stands up for himself, someone who is calm and confident. A man. She says that I used to be more like that before. Too bad she doesnt know why Im not at the moment. Same thing here, after some week of abstinence I feel more secure and more manly. But when I relapse it goes down the drain and my swagger is gone.
Probably a lot more things. But I have to get some sleep now. Please give me your thoughts and experiences. How have you felt in different areas of your lives as withdraw from PMO?