Technically this isn't about Karezza but I feel this community is the only place where people may understand my situation... I'm a young male. For a few years now I am fighting debilitating illness, and wasn't able to meet women. During the last 10 months I was bed ridden and couldn't leave the house. I've never had a sexual relationship of any kind and now with the possibility of my life ending like this, I am devastated. I have accepted the possibility of death but the hard part is knowing that I never experienced a deep connection with a woman.
It has been a few years since my last deep conversation with a real person, that was before life excluded me from all social contexts (due to several complicated reasons). Sometimes I see other people when I am out for a medical appointment, etc. and I feel this life out there has nothing to do with me anymore, I'm just someone who watches from the outside as everyone lives their daily life.
I limit pornography and masturbation to a great extent (I am too weak not to, anyway). which makes me very sensitive to woman. I only see a woman my age every few weeks and then only for a few seconds, which makes it very intense. But when I look her in her eyes while her life crosses with mine for a blink of an eye I also know how far away she is and that I am not a participant anymore. Interestingly I feel an enormous sexual tension between us in those seconds, and even if I don't look healthy and energetic, she devours me with her eyes. Every woman (roughly my age) I "met" since Im confined to myself all day does this.
These situations make the loneliness worse. I always thought I have my whole life to explore relationships but that was probably a mistake and I have waited too long.
When I think about people in a "happy", meaningful relationship I think they don't know how lucky they are, but maybe some do know. I hear from lots of people they wouldn't find the strength to face life without their partner and I can understand that. Its those simple things that give you happiness and a sense of wholeness: a touch, a kiss, just holding each other, eye contact. A few words said in a way that shows you there is another human being who is so close she almost merges with your soul. I need these things like I need air but I never got any of those.
I can't tell you how strong I miss a female presence in my life. Its like a half of me is missing, and after long phases of introspection I discovered with relative certainty that in my past life she was with me but I lost her. I get the feeling we both couldn't cope with the bond we share.
There will probably be brighter times, from a greater perspective, but often I come to the point that the amount of physical suffering seems unbearable and sometimes I fear even more about what will happen if my health deteriorates further.
Just getting this all off my chest, I don't write this asking for any help whatsoever. Thanks for reading!