Long phase of loneliness

Submitted by phoenix451 on
Printer-friendly version

Hi all!

Technically this isn't about Karezza but I feel this community is the only place where people may understand my situation... I'm a young male. For a few years now I am fighting debilitating illness, and wasn't able to meet women. During the last 10 months I was bed ridden and couldn't leave the house. I've never had a sexual relationship of any kind and now with the possibility of my life ending like this, I am devastated. I have accepted the possibility of death but the hard part is knowing that I never experienced a deep connection with a woman.

It has been a few years since my last deep conversation with a real person, that was before life excluded me from all social contexts (due to several complicated reasons). Sometimes I see other people when I am out for a medical appointment, etc. and I feel this life out there has nothing to do with me anymore, I'm just someone who watches from the outside as everyone lives their daily life.

I limit pornography and masturbation to a great extent (I am too weak not to, anyway). which makes me very sensitive to woman. I only see a woman my age every few weeks and then only for a few seconds, which makes it very intense. But when I look her in her eyes while her life crosses with mine for a blink of an eye I also know how far away she is and that I am not a participant anymore. Interestingly I feel an enormous sexual tension between us in those seconds, and even if I don't look healthy and energetic, she devours me with her eyes. Every woman (roughly my age) I "met" since Im confined to myself all day does this.

These situations make the loneliness worse. I always thought I have my whole life to explore relationships but that was probably a mistake and I have waited too long.

When I think about people in a "happy", meaningful relationship I think they don't know how lucky they are, but maybe some do know. I hear from lots of people they wouldn't find the strength to face life without their partner and I can understand that. Its those simple things that give you happiness and a sense of wholeness: a touch, a kiss, just holding each other, eye contact. A few words said in a way that shows you there is another human being who is so close she almost merges with your soul. I need these things like I need air but I never got any of those.

I can't tell you how strong I miss a female presence in my life. Its like a half of me is missing, and after long phases of introspection I discovered with relative certainty that in my past life she was with me but I lost her. I get the feeling we both couldn't cope with the bond we share.

There will probably be brighter times, from a greater perspective, but often I come to the point that the amount of physical suffering seems unbearable and sometimes I fear even more about what will happen if my health deteriorates further.

Just getting this all off my chest, I don't write this asking for any help whatsoever. Thanks for reading!

Topic:

Comments

So sorry to hear what you're going through

I feel sure there must be forums where you can find people facing similar challenges. If you can't think of one, maybe try an asexuality forum. They welcome people who want to connect but can't have sex for various reasons...at least for now.

Here are some ideas:

http://www.asexuality.org/

"The Cuddle Buddy Network" targets people who want to cuddle with no strings attached. See: http://www.cuddlecomfort.com/

"AceBook" is a site more closely focused on dating for asexuals. See: http://www.ace-book.net

And feel free to post here. Even if we can't fully understand what you're going through, we'll listen.

Meanwhile, here are some videos you might find soothing:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nUDIoN-_Hxs

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QF8NcLDQo2o

Wishing you a swift recovery.

*big hug*

Question.

If you don't mind sharing? what is your illness? is it fatal? terminal illness?

will you ever be cured?

because - i have some understanding of isolation. i'm not sick.. but...are you totally unable to do physical things? no physical fitness? nothing? permanent damage?

without going thru my story - i was in a situation where i was struggling almost broke at times - working 3 jobs and living in apartment - and looking at alot of porn feeling sorry for myself and blaming others for my problems.

somewhere in there - i got the idea of being a dancer would make me feel good inside...i took inspiration from dance movies and it took a while but i slimmed down - got in shape - and i expect in the next few years i'll hire a dance teacher to train me.

i love this old tv series called "Fame"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MPG1Y5xaQHA

but i started to see the value of self-improvement and understanding my personality better and understand the women around me more...in my environment.

for a long time i had resentment feelings because - in my world - women go thru phases where they want to have sex with bad men not nice men - then they become materialistic and want a man with money - the more physically beautiful the girl the more entitled she feels ... then when they get older & age they want a GOOD man....so among many other reasons - my reasons for looking at porn where because i was mad at how the dating scene is for men...and how competitive men are with each other to get pretty women. ... check out this here...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tyn8DDHTsvE

once i started to learn about other cultures and women from other countries - i started to see women differently....and once i changed my environment and focused 100% on self-improvement...positive women started to show up in my life...

if you have the opportunity - you should buy a film called "the inner life of martin frost"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AeauVS9KI8k

i might motivate you - it's a good movie - pay special attention to Irene Jacob. the man in the story is this man who is very isolated and meets a woman who motivates him...to be a better person.

because - if your illness is something that can be overcome...then...this is a struggle that you can overcome....it just means you have to stay motivated...have you ever looked at the Rocky Movies with Stallone?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hW6jgNc158k

i was also addicted to porn too - i would try to upgrade out of hardcore porn and look at something that is atleast alittle classy and has positive characters...have you ever seen a tv series called

"red shoe diaries" - it's a good tv program from the 90's. it was a soft-core erotica series - but it had positive characters and good stories that have a interesting message...when i was aware that i had an addiction - i tried to focus on that show and looking at it..

and..

i just feel that - if your illness is something that can get better overtime - then you have to stay motivated...and sometimes positive visuals can do that....

then once you're in a situation where you can have your physicality back - you got to learn about whether or not you want to keep being a porn addict. i know how hard it is...it's tough...

what helped me deal with resentment feelings was seeing positive portrayals of women that were different from the women around me...i would look at old tv westerns and old family tv programs and foreign movies with subtitles ... and to be honest those movies saved me emotionally...

and once i improved my looks enough to take photos of myself and join all kinds of social media - i was able to connect with german girls, russian girls, french girls and i understood what i was doing wrong.

so - please take Marnia's advice about those chatrooms but also make self-improvement a priority. read alot books. look at visuals and movies that inspire you...and realize that this is an uphill battle...

but you can win...this...