End of march, after two weeks without orgasm, I suddenly felt a sense of general optimism, a feeling that whatever problems I have, I'll finally overcome them. A few days later depression kicked in, however, I thought maybe there is something to the 2-week-cycle because never before had I such a glimpse of positiviy, even if it was only subtle.
This weekend I had a wet dream and after it masturbated 3 times. It is more than one year ago that I failed like that.
What I notice is aggressiveness, anger and apathy. It isn't important what the cause is, important is taking responsibility for your life. This is where I am atm because it's hard to take responsibility for things other people have done to me.
The good news is I feel positive in a kind of grim way because I want to change things, despite the swamp I am in and I finally realized (at least intellectually, still have to act on it) that no one will come and save me. I'll have to do it myself. How, I don't know, but I'll fight.
The book in which I found the following quote has helped me with this:
"If a person loves only one other person and is indifferent to the rest of his fellow men, his love is not love but a symbiotic attachment, or an enlarged egotism. Yet most people believe that love is constituted by the object, not by the faculty. In fact, they even believe that it is proof of the intensity of their love when they do not love anybody except the "loved" person. This is the same fallacy which I have already mentioned above. Because one does not see that love is an activity, a power of the soul, one believes that all that is necessary to find is the right object - and that everything goes by itself afterward. This attitude can be compared to that of the man who wants to paint but who, instead of learning the art, claims that he just has to wait for the right object - and that he will paint beautifully when he finds it. If I truly love one person I love all persons, I love the world, I love life."
- Erich Fromm, The Art of Loving
I always waited in despair for the right woman who loves me and than everything will be fine. Off course, this is how the narcissist percieves the world: The outer world is there to fullfill my needs, to safe my life. I didn't want to love, because my love was restricted to one person, I wanted to find the haven where I can hide from a cruel life. However, hiding will not bring my the ability to love myself. Seing love as an ability which I have to actively work on and not as a passive "posession" will help to see my own responsibility.
Love is impossible without loving ones self. But I hate myself and I hate the world and that's the reason I cannot love and finding a partner will only lead to addictive dependence in a submissive way. Only when I have healed my own wounds I am able to percieve reality more objectively and thus I will be able to see others more as they are, not as I wish them to be. This, in return, is a prerequisite to an equal relationship.
So what is love? Love is the ability of the authentic person to see others as they really are and, consequently, connect to them on a very deep level. Authenticity is when a person has overcome his narcissistic behaviour caused by an inhuman culture that reduces man to a mere robot.
Our relationship to the world is either based on love or on the absence of love. When we love ourselves, then love is at the core of every communication with all creation and only then we are able to live a sexual relationship based on real love.