A New Member and Convert!

pianoluvr's picture
Submitted by pianoluvr on
Printer-friendly version

Greetings to the Reuniting Community, and thank you for all the great information and sharing that takes place here.

I'm a 45 year old male who has been married to the same woman for 24 years. We actually met in High School, but spent some time apart in College before deciding to get married. We have 3 children, 2 have recently flown from the nest, and one just started 6th grade. My wife and I operate a small business together: She as administrator, me as a technician.

Another interesting fact about me: I grew up in the Mormon church, and was taught that masturbation was a sin. I went through a difficult time psychologically because I had discovered masturbation at quite an early age - in fact I remember being interested in sex almost as long as I can remember. So I had been indulging myself for quite sometime before learning that it was "wrong". I tried to stop numerous times but always would fail in the end. I even talked to my Bishop about it. By the time I got into high school I was happy to discover that a couple of my other Mormon guy friends also had Masturbated. It was such a relief to me and them to know we weren't the only ones struggling.

Soon after that, I started dating my first girlfriend who had a very healthy Libido. Soon thereafter I decided to leave the Church. It wasn't that hard as I had numerous friends both in and out of the Church, and I was too much of an intellectual to keep believing in such a preposterous mythology. It was such a liberating feeling to be away from it.

My Relationship With Porn
I discovered pornography when I was about 9 years old - I found my 13 year-old brothers stash. I was absolutely fascinated! I seemed to know that it was somehow "naughty" but at the same time my parents never seemed to give me the impression that there was anything dirty about the human body. I also remember stealing a book of erotica from the library when I was around 11 or 12 years old. I believed I masturbated to orgasm 5 times that first night! It was exhilarating and exhausting! I continued to use porn into my adulthood. I never thought of myself as an addict. I was usually satisfied with a small stack of magazines hidden under my dresser.

Then came the internet! My hunger for porn definitely increased as the availability of free material and faster connection speeds. It also made it easier to come across extreme porn that I would never have been exposed to. I would get uncomfortable with my level of use, and worry that it was effecting my relationship with my wife. So I would quite for a while, but eventually the cravings would bring me back - first to the milder material, but eventually that didn't satisfy, so I would move to more extreme material, that also made me feel more guilty.

My wife had always been very tolerant of it. She figured "boys will be boys" and she also felt it took some of the pressure of her to meet my sexual needs. We always felt our sex life was pretty "normal". Over the years it was up and down, but until this past year we probably tended to get it on once a week or so, more or less. We might sometimes go almost a month. However, I would still be masturbating regularly, often once a day usually in the shower. I had proscribed to the idea that daily orgasm was a healthy thing. At the same time I also struggled occasionally with overeating, and mild depression. But overall I figured this was normal too.

Then there was a major event in my life last year that shook me up - my father, who at 75 was still very active, working full time and fairly healthy, suddenly died of a heart attack. At the time (December of 2012) I, myself was about 35 pounds overweight and struggling to get enough exercise. My dad's death was a real wake-up call. I watched some inspiring movies about diet and lifestyle ("Hungry for Change", and "Fat, Sick, & Nearly Dead") and started delving into health and fitness books. I started losing weight and exercising more and was feeling better than I had in years. Then I came across a book that really was a life changer for me.

The title is Man 2.0 Engineering the Alpha: A Real World Guide to an Unreal Life: Build More Muscle. Burn More Fat. Have More Sex. This book really spoke to me, and it had some real surprises in it. One of the biggest was its advice to not use porn - not from a moral perspective but from a fitness perspective. In the book Jon Romaniello argues that porn interferes with achieving the best hormonal balance for optimal health. Also in the book was the information about Testosterone spikes that happen 7 days after Orgasm. For this reason he recommends not having an orgasm more than once every 7 days. Wow! I hadn't gone that long without an orgasm in more than 35 years!!

Flashback:

In college I took a class about Yoga. One of the topics that was touched upon was the idea of conserving semen. Being curious I thought I would give it a try. My young wife was surprised at my idea to try it, but was open-minded. We had sex once where she attained orgasm but I withheld. It made me feel very powerful and in control. We continued our love making the next morning, but the achiness in my groin became fairly intense, so I went ahead and allowed myself to orgasm. That was the end of that interesting experience.

Now flash forward to the summer of 2013. I decided I wanted to try it again. This time I had Google to help me out! I actually came across reuniting.info while searching for ways to help "blue balls". I got some helpful tips here and also discovered a wealth of information.

Transformation
My wife and I have now been practicing sex with limited orgasm for almost 6 months. It has been a mind-blowing journey that I would never have thought possible! We keep saying to ourselves "how did we not know about this before?!". We went from having sex once every week or two, to having sex almost every day, and sometimes 2 or 3 times a day! We are more patient with each other, we kiss and embrace more often, we smile at each other more often, the list goes on.

Because we are having so much more sex, we have gotten better at it! We have discovered so many new levels and feelings. It is really remarkable. It feels too good to be true, but after 5 months its better than ever.

My goal has been too keep my orgasms down to once every 30 days, but there are the occasional "happy accidents!' We have also discovered that there are "mini-orgasms" and sometimes what we call "big mini-orgasms". When I finally let myself have a full blown orgasm, the intensity and release are like nothing I had had before. My wife has orgasms more frequently than I do, perhaps once a week. I usually like to give her one right before her period, since we know there will be taking a few days off.

I don't know if you can call what we are doing "Karezza" because we still have a lot of hot and heavy, body pounding intercourse. In fact I have never seen my normally innocent looking wife build herself up into such a frenzy. She always had a healthy appreciation for sex, but this is completely new! She has really been inspired to release her inner wild woman! She becomes my Sex Goddess! We also have enjoyed the slower "Karezza" style of lovemaking, but aren't ready to give up the grunting and thrusting variety yet! The variety has been wonderful. I still get mildly sore from time to time, but it is totally worth it.

I wish I could tell everyone I know about this, but of course that would be awkward to say the least. It makes me sad that we are so restrained when it comes to talking about sex. It also makes me sad that that so many relationships I know seem stagnant. We almost feel guilty that we are having so much fun! Who thought it would be so easy?? That's why this forum has been valuable. Thanks for letting me share. I hope others can be inspired by my experience.

Topic:

Comments

thank you for your wonderful comments

Your experience is great to read about. 

I have had a slightly different path but we're in the same place, more or less, and life has never been as good. I avoid orgasm altogether if possible, maybe had 3 or 4 this year, and my wife is orgasmic but I consider this a form of Karezza. The intentions and the actions we take are very different. And our frequency is 4 times or so a week, or more often, rather than once or twice. And it's 30 minutes or an hour not 5 or 10 minutes, LOL. And we've never gotten along better and I've never been happier.

I did tell buddies about this and still occasionally do, but of course nobody pays it much mind, which is fine with me.

And interestingly I went from masturbation about every day, to never. I not only have no interest in it, it doesn't even seem like something I could do. Which I don't want to anyway. I never feel like it. I am astounded when I think back on this transition and how quick and easy it was. I avoid porn triggers pretty studiously, and notice when I look at pretty girls how my mood is subtly affected and my perceptions of my wife change.

The reason it was quick and easy for me to stop masturbation was the time my wife and I spend together cuddling and so forth. That is so satisfying and amazing, I don't know if you've noticed how great this can be with you and your wife. In fact, it's gotten so much better over the last 2 years, and continues getting better. Everything continues getting better. Everything.

When we have sex it is the quantity or intensity of pleasure I used to experience only during orgasm, but it can last for many minutes. My wife doesn't experience that, but she does have orgasms, many more than she used to. I am not tempted to have one, except when I fall over the waterfall "by accident" which will happen rarely, but not something I aim for.

Anyway, glad you shared your experience.

Thank you for the thoughtful

Thank you for the thoughtful comments, Emerson. Wow, 3 or 4 orgasms a year is very disciplined! I'm finding my need/desire for orgasms has diminished the past couple of weeks. I'm not pushing it to the limit as much as I was the first few months. With practice I find I am more sensitive to the feedback my body is giving me, so I'm not getting quite so close to the edge. My wife has also gotten better at reading me and knowing when to put on the brakes!

I sense that we are moving slightly out of our "honeymoon phase" with this practice, and are getting used to this being normal.

I too have found that masturbation is something that I have lost almost all interest in. I have not given myself an orgasm since late June. The desire just melted away. If I were single, it might be a whole different story, but having so much physical closeness with my wife has eclipsed it entirely.

We have also been amazed by some of the extended love-making sessions - often 60-90 minutes and occasionally over 2 hours. Its like escaping in a wonderland of passion and pleasure and oneness. It really is almost like being teenagers or newlyweds again (except way more experienced)! We have also been enjoying brief sexual connections - sometimes I stop in between appointments and get to have a 10 minutes session that leaves us yearning for each other.

Its inspiring that you have been at it for 2 years and feel like it continues to get better! I wouldn't have believed this would be possible 6 months ago, but now I understand it!

Fascinating story

I second Emerson's comments. It's great to hear stories like yours, that reach back to the early years. I'm intrigued by how we get introduced to eroticism. Our nascent prurience is like one of those ticks that hang on dead grass stalks for years on end, just waiting for a hot blooded host to pass by. We latch on to something, that often happens by chance, and it escalates from there.

I'm coming to realise porn is a form of mind food, as difficult to resist, but just as unworthy, as sugary snacks - which we also latch on to pretty early in life. As with real food, the closer to the source we eat, the better off we will be.

If only

we could stop mothers from producing pre-sweetened breast milk, we'd be able to evolove our tastes away from liking sweetness. 

42 cals fat, 28 cals sugar, 4 cals protein.  

Wink

Quizure

Sweetness

[quote=Quizure]we could stop mothers from producing pre-sweetened breast milk, we'd be able to evolove our tastes away from liking sweetness. 42 cals fat, 28 cals sugar, 4 cals protein.  ;-)Quizure[/quote]

I suppose we're wired to want sweetness in food, but presumably in a world where it isn't readily available. I was at a children's party recently, and given a straight choice between raw vegetables, savoury titbits, chocolate biscuits and cake with pink icing made entirely of sugar, the icing was most sought after. Everything else had one bite taken from it before being pushed to the side of the plate.

Welcome pianoluvr

I don't know if what you're doing is karezza either, but all that matters is that you find what works for both of you. I'm glad that playing around with the ideas has moved you to a new level of satisfaction, joy and intimacy.

Thanks for sharing your adventure.

It does indeed feel like an

It does indeed feel like an adventure, Marnia! And we feel like we are at the beginning. I think as time goes on I can see us experimenting with Alice Stockham's approach, but for now we are enjoying revisiting our teenage vitality for sex!

Thank you for being so outspoken about the subject. I'm looking forward to reading your book, and continue to enjoy learning from your site. I'm sure you have brought much happiness into the world!

I like your statement "sex

I like your statement "sex with limited orgasms". Sounds like a realistic approach to easing into non-orgasmic love making. When I first started I jumped in cold turkey, but of course my body took more time than my mind to get into the groove of forgoing orgasm, so unintentionally I too experienced "sex with limited orgasms". I also experienced the transformative effects of approaching sex this way. Similar to what you said, a lot more of it, deeper pleasure and more connection. Yes, how is it that everyone doesnt know about this wonderful way to enjoy each other!! AND...it continually gets better and better, there seems to be no end to the movement and opening.

I think setting a goal of once every 30 days for an orgasm is a great idea. When you get to that, consider moving it out further. I've gone a year or more without one, completely dont miss them at all and love how I sink into a sweet groove when they're not a part of my sexual experience at all, believe it or not.

Thanks for the reply, Darryl!

Thanks for the reply, Darryl!

One of the interesting aspects of our new sexual relationship is that I've started redefining what orgasm is. So when I described our practice as "sex with limited orgasm" I was partly describing the interval between orgasms (in this case shooting for 30 days {pun intended}) but also the fact that I have been experiencing what I would call mini-orgasms. Sometimes I can experience several of these within a 90 minute love-making session. They range from just a light feeling of tingling energy flowing up the shaft of my penis, but with no perceptible fluid release, to an intense surge that requires a strong muscle response and mental focus to keep from succumbing to a full blown orgasm (this is usually followed by a slight release of semen, and a loss of erection. But it doesn't diminish my interest in sex nearly as much as as the typical orgasms I used to have.

I don't know if the former, less intense version can truly be considered a type of orgasm, but it seems to be on a continuum.

When you say you've gone a year without orgasm I'm curious if that includes these less intense, non-emitting, semi-orgasmic experiences?

I think what you are talking

I think what you are talking about the Taoists call a "valley orgasm". A release enough to notice a surge of energy but not enough to end a love making session. Usually if semen is part of the release then things tend to be over.

I think of the whole experience a bit like surfing waves. Some of the waves are small and relaxing and I ride them easily, some are big, exhilarating and I pay a lot of attention when riding them so I dont tumble off into a full orgasm. There's an ebb and flow to the experience and I catch the waves as the come with no focus on orgasm. Maybe small orgasms are like the rise and fall of the waves, of energy waves.

I've been doing this for so long that I dont pay any attention to orgasms big, small, or in between, my focus is on the dance, the play, the connection between me and my partner. The feel of our bodies together and all the delicious sensations that comes with it. As a man there is nothing that compares to the sweetness of the feminine and how she opens to me when I cherish, adore and honor the gift that she is. Orgasm, any orgasm, pales in comparison to this, at least for me.

I think you're getting the hang of it quite nicely...enjoy it all, there's so much to explore when people move over from mating sex to bonding sex...and it just seems to infinitely expand.

I'll give you my answer to the "orgasms" question

 

I love the pleasure I get from sex now as compared to before, without the orgasms.

So that's why I do not have orgasms at all unless it's accidental. Which it isn't that often.

But the main thing is, I focus on my root during sex and I put maybe 25% of my focus on her breasts and the energy from my penis going into her and coming out of her breasts. I'm not a woo woo energy guy, but this creates a huge amount of pleasure that is off the charts and at least as much as the orgasms from "the old days". I can do this for as long as I want, just not falling over the edge, and it is extraordinary.

And with this I have no desire to have an orgasm ever.

There is no fluid release other than the usual amount of precum I suppose. If I fall over the edge, different story.

One thing I've observed, one of the many reasons I don't like to have orgasms anymore.

I have noticed how much my perceptions change after orgasms, at least for a week or so. Sometimes not so much about my wife, but sometimes her. Sometimes it's being horny when I see a pretty girl. I don't normally feel horny or desirous of other women so I notice it now.

I don't like this feeling. It's a feeling of dissatisfaction and I don't like that. 

Now, most of the time I feel very happy and satisfied and fulfilled regardless of the external world. That is a huge change that has crept up on me more and more over the past two years, and I don't like how that kind of doesn't end exactly but diminishes after I have an orgasm.