So I knew hanging out with girls will eventually land me in trouble.
I don't know why I keep agreeing to see them but I guess subconsciously (ok, consciously) I wanted sex especially with my urges going through the roof these days. So long story short, we were cuddling in the sofa and then she started grinding against my crotch and she proceeded with her hands. Despite my promise to not reject sex if it happens, I felt like I was stronger than this so I stopped her before getting too far by making up some dumb excuse (she probably thinks I ejaculated already, sigh). After fiddling around a bit, I called it a day and took her home. Crisis averted? Nope. When I got back to my place, my urges soared.
I lost control and started masturbating. I didn't use any porn but I kept replaying the visual + tactile sensation of her grinding against my crotch and the feel of her hand. I guess since it actually happened, it isn't exactly a porn fantasy. But is it even a fantasy if I didn't really add to the memory that's fresh in my head?
What's really creepy (yet familiar) is that at the back of my head I knew what I was doing is not good but I kept going unable to stop myself. I don't like this sense of being enslaved. Goes to show how strong this demon inside me is.
It's been pretty much 2 weeks so far (well, 13 days only because I masturbated today). I feel a bit disappointed right now, but it isn't as soul crushing as others felt after a relapse from what I can tell. I will observe myself in the next few days and see what happens and post up some thoughts.
If what happened today didn't happen, my next post was going to ask whether I should be undergoing this 90-day no-PMO journey and I wanted to hear some of your opinions. I guess I will write it out anyways since I am really curious and it'd determine whether I want to restart this journey again in the near future:
Yes, I did look at porn before I started this journey, quite excessively too. However, I was able to stop pretty much cold turkey as soon as I started no-PMO. Throughout the past 2 weeks, I didn't really have trouble suppressing urges to view porn (they were never that great). I didn't put a porn filter on my computer but I do try to avoid obvious pot holes. When I do accidentally come across naked pictures of women, I may admire them a bit and maybe get a little excited but I have no urge to whip it out and masturbate or go look for videos. I had no trouble closing windows and resuming my activities as if nothing's happened. In other words, I don't think I was experiencing what others have reported about the mind-warping effects of seeing porn during their no-PMO journey.
Back when I used to watch porn, I always used the videos as scaffolding for imagining real-life girls that I know to act in place as the actresses in the video and then I just close my eyes and continue the video in my head before getting myself off. I was never that into just watching porn and masturbating.
Now here are the questions:
If my urges are telling me to masturbate to fantasy moreso than porn, does this still mean I have a porn addiction?
The way I was imagining real-life girls I know in the porn scenes, is that a sign of more severe porn addiction or less?
If I can continue to not watch porn but masturbate maybe weekly to fantasies/memories of plausible sexual encounters, would that still help rewire my brain?
Anywho, I have some soul searching to do in the next few days. This is all so new, have never done this before so I guess even relapsing can be an educational experience. I just hope I don't binge =/