Another Failure, Another Attempt

Submitted by PornAddictTim on
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I made it 4 weeks on my last attempt. Things were going well until I had a random dream about a transexual. I woke up with an erection and began to obsess over what it meant. I ended up viewing porn the following day. Straight porn was more desirable initially, but I started to switch to tranny porn once I got into the addictive state.

I was so depressed for relapsing that I basically gave up. I convinced myself that this would never go away and that I should stop trying. I ended up masturbating to tranny porn for a week straight. Towards the end, I couldn't even get an erection from porn. I started surfing personals all day to try to find a real tranny to have sex with. It was a sick feeling. I didn't even respond to emails or answer phone calls. I neglected everything in my life. I ended up meeting up with a tranny for sex. I felt like a drug addict on the way to do it. I was nervous and shaking, but I kept telling myself to do it and to stop repressing my natural urges. But, this felt completely unnatural. I feel great after I'm with a girl, yet I felt absolutely disgusted after this.

I can't believe I hit this point. This event finally allowed me to break out of the binge, but the guilt and shame have been horrible.

Comments

so did u have sex wit the

so did u have sex wit the tranny?i used to feel the same way wen i used to be wired to tranny porn and would literally flair up weneva i see them on the trains or wateva but i just knew i could never do anything gay becuz it really just went against everything i believed in and i just had to keep tugging at it and that eventually wit time, the urges would go away .... i started dis reboot shit in august and i kno pathways will prolly never be 100% clean ... shit it might even take me years but i kno i gotta keep tryin ... but keep fightin tho man and try to think really hard about wat ur doin before u do it becuz any decision that u make especially one like dis can affect the rest of ur life ... at least that reasoning helped me

Yes. I have been hooked on

Yes. I have been hooked on porn for over 15 years and wired to tranny porn for nearly 10 once the regular porn got boring. I swore for years that I would never hook up with an actual tranny, but I got to the point where the porn wouldn't even arouse me. Once I became sexually active and started having casual sex with many women, the real-life experience with a tranny seemed like a smaller step to take.

Your story is motivational and I know the same will happen to me if I can stay away from it permanently. It begins to lose its grip after just a month away from porn, but I guess it's not going to be easy to break a 15 year addiction. I fear the same thing about risk-taking activities like this. Luckily, I still have enough sense during my binge to use a condom, but that doesn't protect against everything.

Now that I'm thinking sensibly, I really miss the girl who I pushed aside after relapsing. But, I don't even feel right talking to her anymore. She really helped me keep my mind off of porn, but I feel selfish to make her deal with my addiction. I don't know what the right approach is.

Man i said even if dis shit

Man i said even if dis shit is gonna take me a yr then so be it ... ima keep going at it one step at a time ... dnt even have transexual or gay thoughts at all anymore really which is a far cry from wat i was dealing with 3 or 4 months ago in december nd im still seeing improvements ... u really just have to stay committed to not watchin porn period ... once u pretty much get that in check (which IMO was the easiest part) then ull be smooth sailing from there as long as u can just establish a nice couple of runs of no PMO ... my longest has been 56 and another of 51 days of total abstinence w a couple of 2 or 3 weeks runs and straight days of binging in between ... but even wen i binged to MO i literally almost never watched porn

since startin dis reboot in august i had to have seen porn 4 different occasions which was prolly accumulative of 6 mins altogether tops which is amazing considerin the fact that i used to do 5x that amount everyday before .. well now in terms of the girl the only thing i can say is it depends on ur situation ... ive been avoiding females although ive been stickin my head out of the shell recently bcuz i not only had a porn addiction but was also goin through ED .... so i really never felt like i was ready to pursue anythin w a female until i got that situation situated ... now in terms of u if u dnt have ed and ur just goin through porn addiction and its symptoms i would just go on a lil no PMO run (maybe 2 or 3 weeks) until those symptoms alleviate and u feel comfortable about urself ... after that u have to get off of ur ass and go get her .... my motto is that life is too short and there definitely is no point of doin sumthin tmrw that u can do today .... IMO the sooner u connect to a female that u really like and care for, the happier u will be and the easier it will be to fight this PMO thing especially if ur close w that female to a point that u can even reveal wat ur going through wit... wow if u got u one of those and she looks good then shes definitely a keeper in my eyes but all that shit takes time, diligence, and patience like previously reiterated.... so stop being miserable, stop beatin urself down, stop makin excuses of y u cant beat dis disease, fix ur face and just do it! Sounds simpler then done but anythin is possible if ur dedicated ... good luck homie and god bless u on ur journey

Fortune20

Just shows how low dopamine

can screw with your thought processes. I know the rational part of your brain knows that if you looked at some other genre (animals, scat, whatever...), it wouldn't mean "that's who I am." Transsexual porn is no different...unless your dopamine-starved brain gives it special significance...and you fall for its tricks.

I remember in one of your posts that when you couldn't get off to transsexual porn, you found something "more disgusting." This time your brain persuaded you that acting out would sooth your cravings. What's next? Combining various things you find disgusting? Dangerous sex?

Flashbacks of any heavily used porn pop up for a long time. They're just old brain circuits that fire in response to (often subconscious) cues. If you use them to steer by whenever your brain wants a fix, you'll be veering into a ditch over and over.

But I know you know this. What about a 12 Step group? Get some support. You're a great guy. You can do it.

*big hug*

Thanks. My focus this time is

Thanks. My focus this time is no PMO, period. I always made an exception on previous attempts and it led to failure. Occasional "harmless" masturbation leads to porn fantasy and eventual relapse to porn. Sex leads to chasers that I'm not able to control this early in recovery. I want to go at least 30 days without PMO and then possibly add in sex only.

Withdrawals have been mild aside from guilt and disgust for doing what I did. My normal sex drive is returning already and I want to check out every girl I see, but I'm trying to avoid any type of fantasy during this period.

I may need to consider a 12 step group. It's just difficult to take that step and admit in public.

Still going with the no PMO.

Still going with the no PMO. Today has been the first day where I've had to focus on keeping my mind off of sex. I try to imagine something else immediately to get my mind off of anything sexual. In the past, I would fantasize in my mind about girls throughout the day. I figured if it wasn't porn, it was fine. But, that constant fantasizing eventually led to urges that I couldn't control. By stopping these fantasies before they get out of control, I will be more successful.

The sex temptation has been difficult. I've had a few late calls for sex from girls I've hooked up with in the past. It's hard to resist, but I want to make it at least a month with nothing. I'm tired of trying to find loopholes in this recovery process. I would also like to stop my habit of sleeping around with multiple girls. I would like to find something more meaningful in my life.

dude

just look at it this way, you only live once. do you really want to spend your whole life behind a computer screen?

Finishing up Day 8 with no

Finishing up Day 8 with no PMO. It's becoming easier to keep my mind on other things. I had a busy weekend which contributed to my success. It felt great compared to how horrible I felt last weekend. I'm just trying to stay aware of how easy it is to relapse and how miserable I feel when I do. I tend to lose focus over time.

Staying away from sex is challenging. I am not craving it myself, but I feel sort of obliged to have sex with one girl. I don't know if she will understand my issues, but if I don't explain them, she will take it the wrong way when I reject sex with her.

Made it through Day 15 with

Made it through Day 15 with no porn or masturbation. I'm trying not to focus too much on the count of days since my goal is to overcome my porn addiction completely...not just set a personal time record before relapsing again.

I've continued to immediately shut out any fantasies or HOCD thoughts as soon as they pop into my mind. This approach has kept me from obsessing over things that lead to relapses. I still have stumbled across some racy photos on Facebook or similar sites that tempted me to look for more, but the impulses have been manageable.

Despite the desire to stay completely PMO-free, I ended up having sex twice with the same girl who I've been sexually active with for months. I did have erection issues in the past due to chronic porn use, but this hasn't occurred in the past 6-8 months due to me distancing myself from porn and frequent masturbation. So, she's always been impressed by my sexual performance. Withholding orgasm during sex is an option I should try if I continue to have sex.

Still going on Day 20 with no

Still going on Day 20 with no porn or masturbation. The urges and HOCD have been difficult to deal with lately. In public, I want to have sex with almost every decent looking girl I see. My sexual attraction to women is pretty clear, but I still get the trans thoughts and porn fantasies often. I try to dismiss as soon as possible. The HOCD has once again come back strong. It's been difficult for me to even have conversations with other guys since I keep testing myself to see if I'm attracted in any way.

I know how crappy I will feel if I relapse, so I plan to stick with it. 20UK had the same background story and he recovered after a few months away from the trans porn. If I can make it 2-3 months, maybe I'll start to see the same changes.

As mentioned, I've had sex a few times over the past 20 days, but with the same girl I've been with for months. This is adding to the HOCD since I'm growing a bit bored with her. Since I'm not as aroused mentally during sex, I keep telling myself that I must not be interested in women.

A wild idea

Would she have any interest in trying karezza for a while...with daily snuggle sessions? I know it sounds bizarre, but I think you might see that the way out of the boredom is actually more sex...less orgasm. Sex becomes a playful game with a lovely flirty energy that is exchanged between you. It's not unusual to find someone less interesting after orgasm. Neurochemical changes are to blame. See The Passion Cycle

Just a thought.

Tomorrow will be 4 weeks. I

Tomorrow will be 4 weeks. I feel confident about it. Staying away from masturbation this time has been helpful. The HOCD and porn thoughts have still been pretty intrusive, but I try not to dwell on them or start testing myself to see if they still turn me on.

I haven't really had a chance to try the karezza. I wasn't really trying very hard to hide my boredom and lack of interest, so I think she has given up on me. I feel like I miss her after this happens, but when she is there, I don't really appreciate her.

Good job

Keep going.

It's hard to feign interest. The challenge of mutual desire has to be solves at a neurochemical level...or it won't be solved. You can't fake it.

Made it to day 33 without

Made it to day 33 without porn or masturbation, but yesterday and today have been difficult. It's probably the closest I've come to relapsing. I saw a really attractive girl yesterday and I started imagining her as a transexual. I felt aroused from the thought and it seemed like I would actually prefer that over a normal girl. It has been very difficult to dismiss this thought and the impulse to go look at porn again. I don't know if I'll ever get over this kink. It's not really even something I can accept since it will likely be impossible to find. Most transexuals look disgusting and masculine in reality. But, I can't get rid of the fetish I've developed for a completely feminine girl with male genitalia. I really hope this will begin to fade from my thoughts.

nah, you'll get rid of it

it takes time to rewire the brain. If you stay away from porn and socialize with girls and find someone you can spend time with and cuddle with and have sex with, you'll be fine. The pathways from transexual porn will fade away. The thing to do is avoid triggers and when your mind comes up with these thoughts, don't resist them. It's cool, it's perfectly fine. They will pass in their own time. I'm sure you know about the Red X method which can help, but sometimes it's best to just acknowledge a fantasy as just that and not resist it, just let it have its life and then it passes when it passes.

Thanks! Still sticking with

Thanks! Still sticking with it, but I nearly relapsed this morning. The abstinence from masturbation is making me very short tempered, so I almost decided to give in to calm down. I started looking at some soft core stuff but stopped after a few minutes. I actually am with a girl sort of who I'm sexually active with, but we don't see each other often enough to keep my mind off of artificial simulation.