Hello everybody, it's been a long time since I've posted here last, but I'm currently in a situation where I feel the need to share about my struggles again.
I indulged in FMO for the last time back in 2013, when I was interested in somebody. However, it ended in another buried affection; and I even got so depressed at some point that I lost any interest in fantasizing.
Anyway, things have changed. I'm doing much better by God's grace, and I have even met a very nice, handsome and spiritual young man with whom I've been working with lately. We are not in a courtship at this point, however we became sort of special friends. So I started fantasizing again – and of course all my imaginations involved him and me doing exciting things together in bed. Of course this is a challenge for me that I haven't had for a while. For almost 1 1/2 years, I almost didn't have to fight against the urge. I only remember once waking up during the night and having an orgasm, which was quite strange. And of course this touch hunger has always been present, but I haven't ended up stimulating myself.
Now, with my new friend, the devil has tried very hard to bring me down again. I remember one morning back in February, I was not in a hurry to begin my day, when I started rubbing and humping pillows again. A few weeks after that, I did something similar, imagining having the most wonderful sexual experience with this young man.
Anyway, it was about 8 days ago when I found myself in bed being totally exhausted from work and temporary sleep-deprivation. I had this strong feeling that I needed relief. So I ended up stimulating myself to orgasm. I tried to finish as quickly as possible, without fantasizing. It felt sooo good, and I felt so much better for the rest of the day. However, I wanted to leave it at that. But unfortunately, two days later, I FMO'd again. I had a very bad feeling aftwards. I went down on my knees, asked the Lord for forgiveness, reciting Psalm 51. I could see very clearly the ugliness of sin.
Nevertheless, I felt good physically. I felt so refreshed and relaxed. This has been one week now, and I'm doing ok as far as the temptation is concerned. It's still hard for me though to switch off these erotic fantasies that involve my new friend. How can I switch off something that I've been craving for after all? I'm just wondering why the orgasms have helped me so much to somehow get back into balance. Or is this a deception?